Just One of the Guys

- Terry? - Denise, why aren't you in Science?

They're showing a filmstrip, everyone left. I have to talk to you.

- I'm really into this article. - I know, but I need your advice,

and you are my best friend, and I tried to deal with it myself,

and I'm really stressed out.

Three guys wanna take me out. I'm not too thrilled by any of them,

but think I should go in case I don't have a real boyfriend by the prom.

- Okay, who are the guys? - If I give you names, you cannot laugh.

I know, you have the perfect college boyfriend.

- You think Kevin's perfect? - He's a god, okay?

Can we talk about me now? Where was I?

Bruce Shulman, Edward Zink and Roger Gibbler.

- This is serious. - I know.

All right, on a scale of lame to cute, who rates the least low?

They're all lame.

Put Roger in a rent-a-tux, he might move up to semi-lame.

Okay, forget looks. Who's got the hottest car?

A Pinto, Dad's Skylark, and a Schwinn.

Looks like you're gonna have to skip the prom.

Hey. Hey, everybody. Listen up! Hey.

A lot of you've been giving me grief

about this Sun-Tribune journalism competition.

Well, I finally got all of your submissions read.

Now, during my planning period,

I picked the best two, and then from those,

and from those submitted by your pals over at Sturgis-Wilder.

Thank you.

The Trib will pick one and award somebody a summer internship.

Okay?

I'll post the names of the winners in the trophy case after I finish my lunch.

Tuna salad on whole wheat.

A summer job at the Sun-Tribune, think about it.

I'll think about that. You think about me at the prom with a lizard.

- I think you're exaggerating. - Hi, Denise.

Are you busy Saturday night?

Sorry.

That's four.

Mr. Raymaker.

Mr. Vino, the driver's ed. teacher, just ran over a dog.

Should I take a photographer?

No.

What's up, Terry?

- Ah, how's it going, Terry? - Hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

- Am I invisible? - They were in a hurry.

You are so hot.

Buddy, I just ate.

- Thanks for stopping by, Bud. - Anytime, sis.

Our parents are gone for two weeks. Know what that means?

Their king-size bed is empty.

Well, what do you think?

I think if you and I were the last man and woman on Earth,

the human race would die out.

You want time to think it over. I understand.

I have two words for you. Slumber party.

We'll invite every girl you know. Tall, short, loose, easy.

I'll be the bartender.

They can use my bedroom, they can use my body.

- I wanna help. - You wanna molest my friends.

- Forget it. - Why?

You'll have a party, and I'll...

- Oh, God. - Does he do this at the dinner table?

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never had sex before.

I've had lots of sex. It's just that now I'd like to try it with a partner.

We really have to get back to school.

Yes, we must get back.

Wanna make sure my article's in the trophy case.

Yes, we really must get going.

You have to get going? I'm 15 years old.

In two years, I reach the peak of my sexual powers.

The clock is ticking, I have to get jamming.

Can't you hear what you're saying?

- Aren't you a little embarrassed? - Nope, I'm horny.

Horny will kick embarrassment's ass every time.

Budster, listen to me.

Don't you want your first time to be with someone you love?

I guarantee you, I'll be in love.

There's Lisa Macadoo, I hear she'll do anything with anybody.

She looks pretty cheap to me.

Me too.

I am so excited. You know this job means, like, everything in life to me.

I know. Just work in the sports section.

That way we can interview all the cute jocks.

You are gonna be so proud of me, I'm gonna make such a great reporter.

- I'm not there. - Why aren't you there?

Neal Perlow and Joseph Dreyer?

And then I had Terry Griffith, fourth period Civics.

Did you see what she's wearing?

The legs do not stop.

I say we flunk her, keep her here for another year.

You better be careful, you could lose your job.

It'd be worth it. It's not that great a job.

- Terry. - What's wrong with my article?

Well, there isn't anything wrong with it, per se.

It's just not outstanding work.

Well, I think it is.

What do you give me straight A's for, my wardrobe?

I give you the A's because of your hard work. And you write well.

But this contest, it's a completely different ballgame.

When I read those articles, I have to ask,

"Does this person have a nose for the news?

Do they dig out the most interesting angle?"

So what you're trying to tell me is that the nutritional content

of our school lunches isn't interesting.

Look, Terry, I know that you're disappointed.

But I had to pick kids who've got a real shot

at becoming professional journalists.

I am going to be a reporter.

That's good. I like that attitude.

But don't you think it would be nice to have something to fall back on?

- Like what? - Uh...

Well, you're a pretty girl, you could be a model.

Be a model?

Why, because a pretty girl can't possibly have a brain?

- Look, what I meant was-- - I know what you meant.

This is a great article and it belongs at the Sun-Tribune.

And you are so clueless to life, it is really pathetic.

Terry, it's Mr. Wonderful.

Always when I'm busy.

- She's in the pool. - What took you so long?

- I knew it was you. - I keep forgetting how young you are.

What a waste of a sports car.

Listen, everything's gonna be all right.

How'd this get in here?

- Why do you always tie double knots? - Kevin, please, forget the knot.

What I need is a little sympathy.

I had my heart set on that summer job.

Oh, Terry.

I know exactly how you feel. Hmm.

Can I tell you a little story?

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with being a fireman.

I used to set little fires in the backyard, and I'd practice putting them out.

Then one day...

when I was 12, I learned I could never be a fireman.

Why, what happened?

I found out how much money they make. Pitiful.

Don't you understand that I don't care what reporters make?

I can't remember a time when there was anything else I wanted to do.

And it's discouraging when Raymaker tells me that I should become a model.

Hey, why not? You're a knockout.

Besides, models make some pretty nice bucks.

You don't think I can do it either.

Well, no, that's not exactly what I said, exactly.

Yeah, well, it was close enough.

You know, it's lucky for you I'm in love with you, I think,

or I'd probably never speak to you again.

I'd like to be alone, please.

Now? Can't you be alone when your parents are home?

Since you haven't listened to one word I've said

why don't you try reading my lips. Goodbye, Kevin.

Would you rather spend the night at the frat house?

- All men care about is sex! - I resent that.

Big improvement, huh?

The room needed something.

Your room is why my life is totally screwed up.

You guys think beautiful women are nothing but decoration, total airheads.

Hey, not me.

These women have my deepest respect.

For showing their boobs?

And for their minds.

It just so happens that Kim here reads Vonnegut in her bubble bath.

And Luanne has dedicated her centerfold

to help clean up toxic waste.

And the only reason Barbara does her physics homework buck-naked...

is because that library's hot.

Come on, Buddy, admit it,

you would love to spend your entire life just using women's bodies.

Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds.

I'd like a little time to reminisce.

Can't you think of anything more profound than getting laid?

A blowjob?

- Hey, I'm sorry. - This is the perfect end to my day.

I mean, it's as if women's lib never existed.

Today's woman has the freedom to be just as sick and perverted as us guys.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, I write an excellent article, and just because I'm cute,

no one takes me seriously. It's not fair.

And yet, somehow you find the courage to go on living.

You got guts.

Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.