New Girl

Buying a phone's a big deal.

I mean think of how long you'll have this thing.

It's like buying a car or a bra.

Eight years, man. Ow.

Hey, uh, sorry, I was just checking your credit score,

and I got this number that's crazily low,

so I'll try again.

Don't bother. I'm sure it's right.

- Seriously? - Are you kidding me?

250?! You get 150 just for being alive.

Hey, Mojan!

Got a 250 credit score!

Well, I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off.

Do you have, like, a box of charity phones

you're sending to Africa?

- Can he just have one of those? - Claire, Brendan,

this guy's got a 250 credit score.

We're bringing everybody out?

Look at this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing this a long time.

I've just never seen a score this low.

Did you just wake up from a coma?

But you've always wanted a thing.

This could be your thing, like, the guy with no phone.

Well, who is that guy?

I don't want to be that guy.

No, no, no, it's like mysterious.

It's like, "I want to call Nick Miller."

"You can't; He doesn't have a phone."

"What?!"

You can go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.

See, that's cool.

I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person.

Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia.

We were in the Greek mythology zone.

I mean, you knew every question.

Perseus, Icarus, Medusa...

Medeuce, deuce!

Guys, you're shouting.

I mean, you knew every answer.

Like, what was the tiebreaker you got?

Calvin Coolidge's birthplace?

Little Plymouth Notch, son.

Wow, I'm done with this. Hey, Shelby...

I mean, seriously, how did you know that?

How do you forget that?

You don't.

Jar!

I'm gonna jar myself on that one.

- He's like a trivia God. - Girl, get up.

Winston, don't worry about it, man.

It's your public school education.

You'll catch up.

Jar again.

Excuse me?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, hi, hi, I'm Russell Schiller, Sarah's dad.

- Oh, yes. - We spoke on the phone.

I'm Jessica Day.

Did you just curtsy?

I did, yes; I did.

Is this a bad time?

Nope, no, no, no, I was just cleaning up

from the sexual health class.

I had to take condoms

off 30 cucumbers,

and condoms are harder to take off than I thought.

I know how to put them on,

but I didn't know how to take them off.

I guess someone else has always done it for me.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got off a flight from London.

Maybe I'm a little out of it.

Oh, London.

Did you have a busy sch...

Se-dule?

Did you have fun?

No, I was advising a merger.

Oh, fair enough.

Um, you wanted to talk to me about Sarah's art.

So, this is one of the pieces she did.

Um...

That one's called, um,

"At the Mall with Grandma."

She made that in dream-cess, which is where, um,

I let the kids have time to create something.

Sarah's gonna be opting out of dream-cess from now on.

She'll use that same time

to review her other schoolwork with a tutor.

Oh, did you talk to Sarah about this?

Well, I don't need to.

I want her to know fractions before she goes to high school.

- Well, I follow the curriculum. - My daughter is wearing doll's heads

around her neck, so whatever you're doing,

keep it up.

Okay, I talk to your daughter every single day.

Do you? Because hiring a tutor

is not the same thing as spending time with her.

I'm her father, not her friend.

I know what she needs.

Give my best to Mrs. Monogamy.

Cheerio.

He's the third largest donor in the city.

We take his money and then what, we have to answer to him?

So, you're asking me to give up my integrity?

That's what I'm telling you to do.

Yes, we need his money.

So, he pulls his donation.

You know what? I'll raise the money myself.

I'll get a ragtag group of kids together.

A lost soul, an orphan,

a Jewish kid with a keyboard,

a little slut who can dance,

and one fatso,

and I'll choreograph some dances,

make a show.

You did that already, Jess.

It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Please don't make me apologize.

You're gonna go to his office.

You're gonna say that you were wrong.

Say you're never gonna let the kids do anything creative

ever again.

From now on,

your classroom is full-on North Korea:

Math! Math! Math!

Make sure he doesn't pull the donation.

When he was yelling at you,

did do that little thing with his mouth?

You know, that little smile thing?

You know, like, like where he goes, "Mmm"?

That's really weird, Tanya.

Apologize.

Why did you make me look stupid

- in front of Shelby last night? - Wait, what?

Which of the five great lakes is located

entirely in the United States?

- Lake Erie? - Yeah, if Lake Michigan didn't exist

and we won a fictional U.S.-Canada war.

- Lake Michigan. - Correct!

Oh, you want me to take a dive next time?

- Take a dive? - You know, like pretend like

you know more than me when Shelby's around,

so it seems like you're smarter.

I know you'd do the same thing for me if I were the dumber one.

Wow, okay, so let me get this straight:

You think because you know a few facts about Princess Kate,

- that makes you smarter than me? - First of all,

Kate is a duchess and whip-smart by all accounts.

And second of all, don't be so prideful.

Look, man, there's nothing wrong

with being the second smartest in the loft.

You know what, let me take that back.

Jess is a teacher of children.

You memorize facts.

I can memorize facts.

That doesn't make you smart.

Okay, well, maybe,

but I'm definitely smarter than you.

Whew! Glutes are done, my man.

I'm gonna go to the stairwell,

work on my calves. Come with?

Hell, no.

You sure?

I have to grovel.

I hate groveling.

I would have lasted two seconds

in the court of the Sun King.

- I think about that all the time. - You do?

Do you know how much I grovel on a daily basis?

It is literally obscene.

Come the weekend,

I'm the one who's filling up my cart

with Fila, Nautica, Impulse Fila,

Hilfiger, CK,

BR Leather cuff,

and more Fila.

This is the problem, Jess.

It's rich people.

We are right where they want us, Jess:

Just suckling on the teat of consumerism.

- Yeah. - That's the exact reason

I got rid of my phone.

You were denied a cell phone

because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

How I got here doesn't matter.

You weigh more than your credit score.

I'm here now,

- and I'm loving it. - Yeah.

I'm the guy with no phone.

I mean, right now,

I'm writing a letter to my friend, Kev,

seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday.

"What up, Kev?

"You in?

- Nick Miller." - Yeah, Nick,

he might pull the funding from the school,

so I'm just a little bit...

Blame your period.

I've actually done this before.

I mean, both parties knew