New Girl

Oh, the female reproductive system.

Kind of looks like the Chicago Bulls symbol.

- It does. - Now, this is the only part that matters.

- The money train. Sure. - Hey, I call it my nine-to-five.

'Cause it's my job to work it. You know what I'm saying?

The large intestine, you degenerates.

What?

- Let me see that. - I told Jess

that I don't want to teach health.

I'm not good at it. Such a hassle.

Studying, planning, giving weak kids good grades. No.

I heard that. There are good things, too. Like you get

to come with me to a dope two-day teaching conference in Palmdale.

I want to stay and hang out with the guys at Guys' Night.

What's Guys' Night?

Oh, yeah, we're celebrating you being gone. No offense.

- Guys' Night! - Guys' Night!

Guys' Night!

The conference is gonna be really fun. We just have

to work from, like, 9:00 to 7:00.

And then after that it's a par-tay.

Until 10:00, when quiet hours are strictly enforced.

But before then we rage. For three hours.

Actually, two because there's the half an hour of setup time

and the half an hour of cleanup time because we have to actually

be in bed at 10:00.

Ooh!

Are you kidding me?

Ryan is going?

Ryan-Ryan? The guy you have a crazy crush on?

I had a crush on him. Principal Foster

says that administrators can't date teachers. It's forbidden.

That makes it so much hotter.

It makes it crazy hotter. But, look,

it's not just about Principal Foster.

This is about how I worked

really hard to get to Vice Principal,

and I'm not gonna let some British guy get in my way.

Some redcoat bastard.

That's why I keep all

of our interactions strictly professional.

Hey. How was your weekend?

That's personal.

I can't risk learning any personal details about him.

What if he taught his dyslexic sister how to read?

I can't know that. I'll go crazy with lust.

- My pants will turn to ash. - And so exactly

how do you plan to avoid this man

that you are trapped in the same hotel with?

There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.

Yeah, but no porns have teachers.

Every porn has a teacher.

Well, I'm not worried, okay?

'Cause I'll probably never even see him.

Jess?

Can you believe we're right next to each other?

S04E08 Teachers

- Hey, you guys want sangria? - It's Guys' Night!

- Only beer! - Yeah, what is this, Spain?

Great sangria burn, man.

- Really? - Never let your guard down!

- Aah! - Oh, takedown!

Never let your guard down.

- Well played. - All right, first up,

we eat meat.

How much meat?!

Then we take a fart nap.

- Not for me. Pass. - All right, guys,

- it's Guys' Night. Let's think. - Okay.

Anything else we can't do when Jess is here.

Wow.

- Look at that stretching. - I don't want to...

make this sound too creepy, but I want to own those girls.

I wouldn't touch them. They'd want

for nothing. But I would know they were there.

- Stretching. For me. - I want

to French braid that girl hair.

I want to French braid that hair so good.

The third hottest one just waved at me. Hello!

Ah!

- Ooh! - Oh, no.

- Oh! - No!

- No, no, no! - Oh...

- Jess is gonna kill you. - Shoot! She's not gonna kill me.

I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna

have it cleaned, I'll have it cleaned.

- Schmidt, red wine sets. - Shut up, Winston! It sets.

- Why don't you just wash it? - Why don't I just what?

Wash it.

Just wash the blanket.

Unless you can't.

Come on, man. Get out of here.

I've known you for a lot of years

and I've never seen you do laundry.

Never seen me do laundry... Get out of town.

Wait, wait. Is that true?

Come on, you guys, this is so...

Really, this is silly.

Then do it.

Right now.

We'll watch.

Doing the laundry...

It's no problemo.

Little bit of this.

What in the world...?

Straining the soap.

Get that in there.

Back in there.

Um, okay.

And...

That's it. Laundry.

Can't... Oh, so silly.

Forgot to put the quarters in.

That's right, the quarters.

- Schmidt... - All right! I don't know how to do laundry!

- I knew it! - Forget it.

- Finally! - That is insane!

Hope you're happy.

Nerd. Nerd.

Dud.

Lady nerd. Goofus.

- Virgin... - Hey, Coach, I need you to be my buffer!

Okay, but Nick can never find out about this.

Wait, what? Hmm?

- What? - What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

I need you to be my buffer between Ryan and me.

He's so sexy.

- Really? - Yeah.

That guy?

Beautiful. Did you make that?

Looks like a Boys Department mannequin.

Yeah.

- Hey, Jess, can I, um... - Nope.

No time for chatting.

We have to sit down.

You can't sit there.

Coach likes to sit in the middle.

Mm-hmm.

I sit bitch or I don't sit at all.

- You're weird. - You're weird.

- You're a weirdo. - You're weird.

- You're weird. - You're weird.

Shh.

I am education guru Brenda Brown.

Oh, no. Who is this? She looks like

one of those ladies who talks you into having a baby in a tub.

You. The talker.

Mmm...

Stand up.

- Talk to us. - There were other people talking,

- I just want to let you know that. - Why are you a teacher?

Uh, 'cause my...

my roommate made me.

Hmm.

What?

I'm worried about you.

You're a worry.

Wor... why, why are you worried about me?

Teaching is an awesome

responsibility.

You are not prepared for it. Sit down.

Okay.

Today, we will learn

about our fellow educators,

their hopes, their dreams,

their bitter regrets.

The things they wish they'd said to their birth mother...

So, partner up.

Will you be my partner?

Mmm, sorry, I'm with Coach.

No, I can't do it.

- I'm going to the bar. - What?

- Buffer out. Buffer out. - No, buffer in.

- Buffer in. Buffer in. - Buffer out.

Everything okay here?

Yeah, sorry.

My, um... my partner just left.

Or... did your partner just arrive?

Oh. Um... No...

- Wicked. - Everyone!

Look at your partner, really look.

Take his or her hand and say,

"I'm excited!"

- I'm excited. - Oh, crap.

We just came to say we're sorry.

Guess you think I'm pretty dim, huh?

A man who can't do laundry.

You weren't born this way, were you?

Born not knowing how to do laundry?

Like everyone else?

Yes, Winston, I was. It wasn't till after birth

- that the trouble really began. - Here we go.

Nana wouldn't let me in the laundry room.

I think it's because my hands were always covered in butter.

And so I went to college unable to do laundry.

- I'm making jean shorts! - I'm doing laundry!

- Big day for both of us! - Yeah, it is.

As I pulled out my maternity corduroys,

I spied a six-pack of Pi-Phis.