New Girl

Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston,

months ago I warned you that winter was coming.

And for the cold and wretched days ahead,

I stressed our need to take lovers

- and take them quickly. - Your head is huge.

Your hat's

the size of a garbage can.

You look great in that hat, man. What a hunk.

You look like Jewish Pharrell.

Th-Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Okay,

now, winter is now here.

And I vow that we will not miss

our final opportunity for sexual realization in 2014.

Did you steal my belt buckle, you Silly Billy?

Enough out of you, Winston!

Silly Billy? Dude.

If you unzipped your face and an old white woman popped out,

I would not be shocked.

- Really? - No.

- I would. - I would be very surprised.

That is why this year we will not

be celebrating Thanksgiving.

Instead, we will be celebrating...

Remember last Thanksgiving when I almost died?

Bangsgiving! We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving!

Why can't you let me just have this, you guys? Please.

Okay. You've been talking about this for, like, a week, Schmidt.

We get it. Let's just pick names already.

Jess, I can't believe that you are into Bangsgiving.

I just want to meet a guy so I can forget about Ryan.

- Just date him, Jess. - 'Cause I'm his boss,

and it's against the rules for me to date him.

Just date him. It's a dumb rule.

- It's against the rules. - Take the hat.

- Oh. - Now, whosever name you pick,

that's who you'll be bringing a date for.

And no date leaves until everyone is laid.

I just want to meet a nice fella.

Can I have permission to send them home

- without sex? - No, you do not.

I think everybody's date should be able to leave.

Yeah, your plan sounds a little kidnappy.

What's the rule on that, Winston?

Eh, gray area. We're good.

Winston is in. My man. And, okay, nobody say

who you picked. It'll ruin the surprise.

Oh, crap. You picked me.

- No! How'd you know? - And now

you're gonna set me up with you, aren't you?

Cece, I-I know that this holiday

is a bittersweet memory for your people,

- Wrong kind of Indian. - But, please, do not take that out on me.

Okay, well, I picked you, too, so I want to re-pick.

No re-picking. And no more telling.

So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me,

I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately,

- so do with that what you will. - No one do anything with that.

- Can I just say no mustaches? - I'd like someone tall.

- She's got to have an ass. - Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?

I want to say who I picked so bad.

I'm looking for a fake redhead. With a medium-sized neck.

I just want to be slapped around.

S04E09 Thanksgiving IV

So, Pearl, I told Winston that you work at my school.

And, um, Winston is about to become a cop,

which you've probably already gathered from the fact

that he pinned his badge to his sport coat.

What?

How did that get there?

Let me freshen your drink.

Excuse me a second.

Hey, Coach. Coach.

Look at what Jess brought me.

Oh, Pearl? Yeah, she's great, man.

Hey, come here. You got something on your face.

- Really? What is it? - It's, like, right...

What were you thinking, bringing me that girl

from the police academy?

What's wrong with Pepper?

Allow me...

Arms!

She's jacked, dude. You should've warned me

you were setting me up with one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

I'm sure she's not that bad.

Whoa.

Where was she when I was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

Look, she's fantastic. She's beautiful.

You're gonna love her.

Now, if you jerks will excuse me,

this Bishop's got to capture himself a queen.

She's doing push-ups.

For your lady.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Jess.

- Pearl, she's... - Yeah, she's great.

What grade does she teach?

Oh, she doesn't teach. She's the lunch lady.

- You said the lunch lady? - Yeah.

So where exactly is this "date" of mine?

All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked.

Your date's name is Geoff

and he will be here. By the way,

he spells Geoff with a "G," so you know he comes from money.

Well, I think the real difference is

crocodiles are man-eaters

- and alligators... - What in the bloody hell?

Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here?

Oh, well, I picked my own name.

So you said to bring somebody. So I thought it'd be weird

if I didn't bring someone. So I just brought Tran.

You brought an old Asian man to my sex party

so it wouldn't be weird?

Relax. He didn't come empty-handed.

He brought a game. It's like Thailand Monopoly.

Yeah, all the squares are jail except for one piece of property

which we all have to fight each other for.

But don't get caught in the Red Light District.

- This isn't a freaking game night, Nick. - Okay, chill out.

You... You're making a mockery of this holiday and you know it.

I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand,

if that's where you're from even.

- Hey. - Lucy.

- It's so good to see you. - How are you?

- Oh, I'm great. - Lucy? Lucy's here with Schmidt?

Where's my set-up, already? I'm looking at the menu,

and I see a lot of skirt but no steak.

I think that Coach picked you, so watch out.

'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring one of his clients

or weird, like, gym buddies.

Ryan.

- What? - Ryan. Ryan.

- Ryan-Ryan? - He brought Ryan. Oh, God.

I don't think I can even look at him,

like, without getting pregnant.

He just oozes sex.

Good holiday to you! I've come with biscuits!

Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt, Lucy?

- I-I used to date Lucy. - Oh, I know, bro.

I met her that day you gave me the pass to your gym.

Hey, do you have any snacks?!

Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't think it would be a problem.

Oh, it's a problem. I'm telling you it's a problem.

And I forbid you from dating her,

so... cut it off.

- Grounds? - The statute of limitation hasn't expired.

You dated her three years ago

for, like, two and a half months.

The statute is very specific. 1,000 showers.

- After that, no claim. - And if you think

I've showered 1,000 times in the past three years,

then you're out of your mind.

Did you ever spend more than $65 on her, not including tip?

It's tough. There were a lot of coupons involved.

Did you ever watch her dog?

Trick question: She had fish and I killed them.

You ever get her a gift?

Every time we had sex.

- No claim. - No claim?

Hi, Nick. It's been a long time.

Lucille. Great to see you.

Do you still like to eat, uh... popcorn?

- I guess so. - Oh, you see that? I know her foods.

You must have spoiled her, huh?

You know, if you'll excuse us, I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.

Come on, Lucy.

I'm calling my penis "the tour."

My tour's more satisfying.

His is all about him. Mine's about you sometimes.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight.

I-I didn't realize this was a singles party.

Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.

Did Coach say that with a Sean Connery accent?

Did he say "shingles"? 'Cause he was...

He actually meant shingles. Like the... Like...

The... Everybody here is a roofer.

Look, the last time I saw you, I kissed you.

I know that. We both know that.

But this can't happen. Are we attracted to each other? Yes!

Do I sing Oasis songs to myself,

and pretend that they were inspired by your love for me? I do.

But my job is to enforce the rules.

And I love my job, and I worked hard to get it. So this cannot happen.

Is that why you locked me in your bedroom, and undone the top button of your dress?

I didn't undo the top...

Well, I did...

But that was an accident. That wasn't for you.

It was for me.

I just need to know that you will respect the rules

- and that this will go no further. - I'll do my best.

Looks like you missed a few.

What?

Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof because Bangsgiving is in peril.

All of you are focusing on things

that have nothing to do with getting laid.

Let us please not repeat the mistakes that we made

at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.

Now, what is the freakin' problem?

Coach did the opposite of what I asked.

Come on, Jess, you guys would be great together.

- It's a dumb rule, all right? - Dumb rule.