Clerks

Hello.

What?

No, I don't work today.

I'm playing hockey at 2:00.

Why don't you call Randal?

Because I'm fucking tired.

I just closed last night.

Don't give me this.

What time do you think you're gonna come in, 12:00?

Be there by 12:00? Swear.

Swear you'll be there by 12:00 and I'll do it.

Twelve or I walk.

Shit.

Thanks. Have a good one.

- Do you mind if I drink this here? - Sure, go ahead.

- You open? - Yeah.

- Pack of cigarettes. - Are you sure?

- Am I sure? - Are you sure?

Am I sure about what?

Do you really wanna buy those cigarettes?

- Are you serious? - How long have you been smoking?

- What is this? A poll? - How long have you been a smoker?

- I don't know. Since I was about 13. - Thirteen.

Let's see. You are about 19, 20, am I right?

- What in the hell is that? - That's your lung.

By this time, your lung looks like this.

- You've gotta be shitting me. - You think I'm shitting you?

Here.

- What's this? - It is a trach ring.

It's what they install in your throat

when throat cancer takes your voice box.

This one came out of a 60-year-old man.

Oh, God.

He smoked until the day he died.

He used to put the cigarette in this and smoke it that way.

- Could you... - This is where you're heading.

Cruddy lung, smoking through a hole in your throat.

Do you really want that?

- Well, if it is already too late, I guess... - No, it's never too late.

Put the cigarettes back and try some gum instead.

- Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this. - It's not the same.

It's cheaper than cigarettes and it certainly beats this.

- Oh, Jesus. - It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.

Keep it.

- I'll just take the gum. - Fifty-five.

You made a very wise choice. Keep up the good work.

If you're gonna drink that coffee, I think you ought to take it outside.

No, I think I'll drink it in here, thanks.

Well, if you're gonna drink it in here,

I appreciate it if you don't bother the customers.

Okay. I'm sorry about that.

Pack of cigarettes.

- What's that? - This?

How long you been smoking?

We need some tits and ass. Yeah!

I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money.

And then we're gonna go to that party and get some pussy.

I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'm gonna fuck this bitch.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

What the fuck you looking at? I'll kick your fucking ass. Shit, yeah.

Don't that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks?

You know, tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head.

Take out his fucking soul.

If he tries to buy something,

I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.

Yeah, what's up, baby? What's up, sluts?

Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know?

But you're cute as hell. I'd like to go down on you, suck you.

Line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.

Oh, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I love women.

What you want, Grizzly Adams?

You're spending, what, 20, maybe $30 a week on your cigarettes?

- Yeah. - Forty.

Fifty-three.

Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes? Come on.

Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you?

Because that's what you're doing now

by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.

Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.

It's that kind of mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive.

Of course we're all gonna die someday. But do we have to pay for it?

No, no.

Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars

down on a counter and say

"Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please.

"Sell me something that will stink up breath and my clothes

"and fry my lungs"?

- Now, wait a second. - Yeah.

Yeah, here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job

by following orders.

Let me tell you about another group of hate mongers

that were following orders.

- They were called Nazis. - Nazis, that's right.

- Fucking Nazi. - Yeah.

And they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth

just like cigarettes are doing now.

- I think you got to leave now. - You want me to leave? Why?

Because somebody's telling it like it is?

Somebody's giving these fine people a wake-up call?

No, you're loitering and causing a disturbance.

I'm a disturbance? You're the disturbance, pal.

You know? Here. Now I am a customer. I'm gonna buy some Chewlies Gum.

All right? I'm a customer

engaged in a discussion with the other customers.

- That's right. - Yeah, now shut up so he can speak.

Yeah. See, he's scared now. Because he sees the threat we present.

- He smells the changes coming. - You can smell it.

You definitely are the source in this area

and we're gonna shut you down for good.

For good, cancer merchant.

Cancer merchant, cancer merchant.

Who's leading this mob?

That guy.

Freeze.

What's going on?

Let's see some credentials. Slowly.

You're a Chewlies Gum representative?

Chewlies?

And you're stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment

to what, sell more gum? Get out of here.

And you people, don't you have jobs to go to?

Get out of here. Go commute.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Bunch of easily led automatons.

Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes.

Pack of cigarettes.

All right. Don't you think you're taking this a bit too hard?

Too hard? I have enough indignities in my life

and people start throwing cigarettes at me.

- Least they weren't lit. - Oh, I hate this fucking place.

Then quit. You should be going to school anyway.

Please, Veronica. Last thing I need at this point is a lecture.

All I'm saying is if you're that unhappy, you should leave.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

I know. I stopped by your house.

Your mom told me you left, like, at 6:00.

The guy got sick. He couldn't come in.

Don't you have a hockey game at 2:00?

Yes. And I'm gonna play like shit

because I didn't have a good night's sleep.

Why'd you agree to come in, then?

Hey, I'm only here until 12:00. After that, I'm gone.

The boss comes in.

Open the shutters, get sunlight in here.

- Someone jammed gum in the locks. - You're kidding.

Bunch of savages in this town.

Thanks.

How much money did you leave up there?

Like, $3 in mixed change and a couple of singles.

This time in the morning, people just get paper or coffee.

- You're trusting. - Why do you say that?

How do you know they're taking the right change?

Or even paying for what they take?

Theoretically, people see money on the counter and no one around,

they think they're being watched.

Honesty through paranoia.

Why do you smell like shoe polish?

I needed shoe polish to make that sign out there.

The smell won't come off.

Do you think anybody can see us down here?

Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?

Can we?

- Really? - I was kidding.

- Like you can't get enough of me. - Typically male point of view.

How do you figure?

You show some bedroom proficiency, you think you're gods.

- What about what we do for you? - Women?

Women as lovers are basically the same.

They just have to be there.

Be there?

Making a male climax isn't at all challenging.

Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat.

How flattering.

Now, making a woman come, therein lies a challenge.

Oh, you think so?

A woman makes a guy come, it's standard.

A guy makes a woman come, it's talent.

- And I actually date you? - Something wrong?

I'm insulted.

Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off.

Just being there, as you put it, is not enough.

Oh, I've touched a nerve.

I'm astonished to hear you trivialize my role in our sex life.

It wasn't directed at you. I was making a broad generalization.

You were making a generalization about broads.

Those are my opinions based on the few women

who were goodly enough to sleep with me.

- How many? - How many what?

How many different girls have you slept with?

How many different girls? Didn't we have this discussion once?

We might have, I don't remember. How many?

- Including you? - It better be up to and including me.

- Twelve. - You've slept with 12 different girls?

Including you, yes.

What'd you do that for?

- You're a pig. - Why'd you hit me?

Know how many men I've had sex with?

- Do I get to hit you after you tell me? - Three.

- Three? - Three including you.

You've only slept with three people?