Idiocracy

As the 21st century began...

human evolution was at a turning point.

Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest...

the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest...

a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man...

now began to favor different traits.

The Joey Buttafuoco case--

Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized...

and more intelligent.

But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.

A dumbing down.

How did this happen?

Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.

With no natural predators to thin the herd...

it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most...

and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

Having kids is such an important decision.

We're just waiting for the right time.

It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.

No way.

Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!

Shit! I got too many damn kids!

- I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no!

Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.

Brittany? No, you didn't!

- There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm.

Not with the market the way it is, no.

God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.

Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!

Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here.

- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon!

Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Well, we finally decided to have children...

and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.

And this is helping.

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to--

It's always me, right?

Well, it's not my sperm count.

Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

That's my boy!

Whoo! Whoo!

Clevon is lucky to be alive.

He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...

into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.

But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research...

and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...

Clevon should regain full reproductive function.

Get your hands off my junk!

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack...

while masturbating...

to produce sperm for artificial insemination.

But I have some eggs frozen...

so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know--

And so it went for generations...

although few, if any, seemed to notice.

But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C...

a simple army librarian was unknowingly...

about to change the entire course of human history.

Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!

Hey, Bauers.

This is Peterson, your new replacement.

- My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you?

- No. - Some new assignment.

They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.

I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.

- I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

No one ever comes in here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.

I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.

Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."

It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

That doesn't embarrass me.

Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.

You're just gonna have to follow.

Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.

Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...

our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.

Now, as you know, throughout the years...

many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders...

often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.

With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men...

frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.

Joe, here, is not one of our best men.

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.

Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.

The most average person in our entire armed forces.

Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried...

is an only child, and both parents are deceased...

making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions...

should something go wrong with the experiment.

We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks...

and were forced to look into the private sector.

This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family.

Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...

in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.

We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp...

a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly--

With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.

Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year...

and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways...

with the local authorities in running his pimp game.

First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.

Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

Sure. Let me just finish here.

You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

Collins!

Fine. We'll move on.

It is a fascinating world though.

Jesus, Collins.

Yeah, that's--

Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects...

are to be placed into a dry freeze...

for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.

As you know, this is highly classified.

However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

- What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service.

Oh, private sector. Okay.

- So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that.

Wow, that's great.

You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way--

doing a little of this and a little of that.

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures...

and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

Yeah.

So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?

- Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or--

- Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great.

- Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly?

I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Who wants to go first?

Me.

What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.

- What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me...

in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!

Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.

Who's Upgrayedd?

He's my boyfriend.

Man, how do you know this shit's safe?

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.

They've tested it on dogs and everything.

What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep...

we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again.

- It'll be fine. - All right.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch?

See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student.

His name was Untgrad.

Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.

Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.

See you in a year.

The Human Hibernation Project...

was one of the army's most ambitious experiments...

and one of its most secretive.

But it was not immune from human error.

Freeze!

Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed...

the base was closed.

It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.

Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed...

and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...

would correct this trend in evolution.

But sadly, the greatest minds and resources...

were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline...

until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems.

Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever...

leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505...

which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.

- Hold on. - Next, on The Violence Channel...

an all-new Ow! My Balls !

All right.

That guy got hit in the balls.

Ow, my balls!

Huh?

- Where's-- - Hold on. Shut up!

- Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up!

Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris!

- Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

In your face, ass! Shut up.

I'm sorry. It's just-- Where am I?

Shut up! I told you already!

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

Come in here and not shut up.

Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like--

Unaware of what year it was...

Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.

But the English language had deteriorated...

into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts.

Joe was able to understand them...