Edtv

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your funniest moments and most tragic times.

You've laughed, you've cried, you've almost died.

But now we'll take you where you've never been before.

No script, no actors, no editing.

All day, all night, all true.

Every second is true on True TV!

This spring.

So, any questions?

- Yes. - Okay.

I think we get that it's true, but what is it?

Cynthia, why don't you come up here. This is your moment.

Folks, this is Cynthia Topping,

she's the program director at True TV.

She's the one that's gonna be strapped to a Scud missile if this idea doesn't work.

Thank you, Mr. Whitaker. I've always wanted to travel. The missile. Yes?

Isn't this show similar to a show that PBS had on in the '70s, the Loud Family?

No, this is completely different.

We're gonna pick one person,

one normal person, uh, not like you folks.

And we're gonna put that person's life on television all day long, uh, live.

It's not PBS, it's not Real World.

We're not gonna film it and then edit it later.

Is that how I sound? I don't sound like that, do I?

More or less. On a good day.

You never said anything?

Look, I don't mean to be negative here.

Ooh! Hey!

Now, I know this was your idea and all,

but doesn't this have, like, a great chance of being...

A big, smelly bomb? Oh, you betcha. Yeah.

And wouldn't that be, you know, a bad thing?

Keith, we're getting our butts kicked by the Gardening Channel.

People would rather watch soil.

I mean, we are this close to having chalk outlines around our careers.

I love that we're doing this, and I love that it's risky.

All anyone ever does in this business is follow the pack.

I mean, hell, if people tune into this

twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit.

And you know what finally convinced me that this could work?

Half a dozen wine coolers?

It's when I realized that the person we pick,

the guy that's on TV all day long, doesn't even have to be good.

I mean, if he's good, great, but if he's bad, even better.

Bad is better?

People can't turn away from an accident.

You know, you drive by and you say,

"Ooh, I hope there's not a head in the road. That would be..."

But then you look. You don't want to miss it.

So we put a guy on TV, and we just sit and wait,

and see if that head starts rolling down the highway.

Now, that's fun for the whole family.

So, what's our next step?

Yeah, I'd love to know that.

We find ourselves a big, fat, rolling head.

Are you seeing this? Are you looking around you? Are you...

God, you know what this is?

Oh! This is a horror show.

What are you going off about now, John boy?

You know what. This doesn't bug you?

All our friends and everybody getting married

and they're having kids and their careers.

And their kids are having careers. It's a mess.

Why would that bug me, man?

I mean, look at us, right? We are doing fine.

Oh.

Okay. You have a beer around your neck.

- That's my point! - Hey, there's Ray!

Your brother's here. Go long, man.

I'm gonna go over and say hi to Kim.

Oh, hey, yeah, listen. That was great tonight. I loved it.

Oh, man.

What's going on, man?

I'm telling you, it's weird.

It's like, we meet, we go out a couple of times

and then, bing bang boom, she's got me meeting her parents.

What do you mean "bing bang boom"?

Buddy, you've been going out with her for six months.

Yeah? Yeah.

I suddenly feel like the walls are closing in on me.

You know... The father is sitting there asking me about my career prospects.

Can you believe that?

Oh! At dinner,

the dog is sniffing my balls.

I mean, at least I hope it was the dog,

because her mother disappeared for a while.

Hey, what's going on over there?

They're doing audition tapes for that True TV thing.

People are sending them in from all over the place.

Oh, yeah? That's cool!

What's cool?

To be that guy, that guy they watch all day. Get out of here.

Hey, I'm telling you. Mark my words.

That guy is going to be famous.

He'll be able to get whatever he wants, whoever he wants.

Hey. Trust me. This is my business.

What is?

Show business.

Oh, you're in show business now?

Yeah, I service video equipment.

That's like saying the people stitching Nikes in Panama are in the NBA.

Hello.

Bed wetter. Thumb sucker.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to go make a tape. You know what?

I'm excited.

All right, so... I know that I can do this.

It's my turn. I'm next.

Hey, Buzz, can I get one more?

You got it.

Hello, there. Hey.

So Ray met the family, huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I heard the dog really liked him. Yeah.

Oh, the whole family loved him.

Of course, my whole family really loved the last guy I went out with

and he strung me along for a year and then dumped me.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with,

the minute it's over, I could tell you what went wrong.

How it went wrong,

why it had to go wrong.

But when I'm in it,

lost.

I'm like a love coroner!

You know, bring me the corpse, I'll tell you what killed it.

But how to prevent it? Lost.

Hey, y'all!

I'm Ray Pekurny!

I'm from right here in San Francisco,

the greatest city in the world.

Yeah!

Are you with me?

Go Niners!

Yeah!

Okay. I want to introduce you to my girlfriend.

She's really cute, she's really cool...

No! ...and she's really strong.

She's a UPS person, you know. She lifts packages. Not beefy or anything.

She told me this joke. "What do you get when you cross UPS with FedEx?

"Fed up!"

It's her joke.

Oh, my brother. Ed, yeah, come on.

Come on, say something, Ed. Asshole.

Come on, man. Say something. All right. Um...

I don't know about this whole 24-hour TV thing you all got going,

but if you're gonna go forward with it, this is your man.

Smart man. That's it. The Ray-man here. This guy's got stories.

This guy has lived. I've got stories. I've lived!

Tell them about that dog-grooming business you started.

No, no, no. Not here.

No, you gotta tell them about that. I don't really want to.

Ray, tell them.

All right, I'm telling, I'm telling. Here we go.

This guy? Yeah, take a look at this kid.

...was gonna start up a mobile dog-grooming business.

He's cute. Really?

Yes.

He doesn't want to be like everybody else. No.

He doesn't start it in a van or a pickup truck or something like that.

No, the Ray-man, he starts it in a Camry!

Camry! Camry! Camry!

So, he gets a tub, right? He puts it in the trunk.

He throws the dogs in the tub, slams the trunk shut, starts driving around.

Speeds up, stops real quick, turns left hard,

turns right hard to get the dogs all sudded up, right?

Pretty smart, right? Now, guess how he dries them off. Guess.

With the exhaust!

What do you say, I mean, we bring him in?

We just... It can't hurt. Just talk to him.

Well... I'm from East Texas.

Yep. And, uh, when I was, like, 13,

my mom got remarried to my stepfather who was a traveling salesman.

He got transferred up here to San Francisco,

so, you know, we all came along.

- Here we are, here I am. - Mmm-hmm.

- Terrific. - Yep.

And did you go to college or...

I had a year at junior college.

Home of the Bear Cats.

Oh! Scary.

What did you study?

Studying? Um...

Jeez, that'd have been a big help.

That really would have. Where were you then?

That's cute.

Straight ahead. What? Oh, yeah.

And as you see, I can get rid of the Texas accent whenever I want.

Or I can just slide

real deep on into it like this.

How do you decide?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I find that, uh, this accent here don't do me no harm with the ladies.

Know what I mean, darlin'?

Yep.