Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Excuse me, excuse me. Hi.

I'm Jake Peralta.

All right, all right.

I'm so thrilled to be here today.

As many of you may know, I used to be a cop.

Hey, I was dirty. I took tons of bribes.

But as a former detective, uh,

I know a thing or two about life sentences.

And, Angie, Marco,

you just got slapped

with the best life sentence there is.

Marriage. Aw.

To Angie and Marco, make us proud, have a son. Salud!

Salud!

Hey, I love the spray tan, Joey.

Hey, let me take a picture of you.

I want to show this color to the guy who stains my deck.

Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night.

Hey. You're one of us now.

Do you know how long I've been waiting

for one of you old men to kiss me?

He's a good kid.

I've got to say, out of the four of you, I think Vito's the best kisser.

Ah, what a wedding, huh?

Although the meatballs were a little dry.

Dry meatballs.

That's Peralta's signal. Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on! Let's go!

Stay where you are. Hands on your head!

Stay where you are. Hands on your head! (WOMEN SCREAMING)

Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Stop!

Nobody say anything. Nobody talk.

Get your hands off of me, you piece of...

Hey, Captain Holt. Long time, no see.

How ya doin'? This is not the time, Peralta.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

I've missed us.

He's here. He's here. Jake's here.

Okay. Let's do the prank where we don't even acknowledge him

when he comes in, okay?

Shh! Shh! Everyone, shh...

Back in the Nine-Nine!

Whoo! Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake.

Played to perfection, Charles.

God, I missed this place.

Let me just soak it in.

Oh, yeah! Stale coffee,

fingerprinting ink,

whatever Charles is fermenting in his desk.

Beans. Beans.

It's like I never left.

All right, fill me in.

Tell me everything I missed.

It won't take long. Only three things happened.

Terry chipped his tooth and had a lisp for a week.

Listen up, Steven. (SCOFFS)

I'm sorry, did I say something amusing to you?

Answer me, you son of a bitch!

Number two, Santiago and Boyle wore the same outfit to work one day.

How does it look better on you?

And Captain banned headphones from the office due to the Gina incident.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

Great recap.

Welcome back, Peralta. Captain.

Everyone has a lot of work,

so you have exactly two minutes

to share personal anecdotes.

Those two minutes began when you entered.

You now have... 12 seconds left.

Challenge accepted. Undercover highlights.

Fixed a boxing match,

smoked a whole cigar without vomiting,

was once in a room with 10 guys named Sal,

and missed you all so very much.

Everyone back to work!

All right, Jake.

Hey, so, we didn't get a chance to say hi.

Hi. Hi.

Can we talk in private for a sec?

Okay, so, now that we are alone,

I have to ask.

Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?

Oh, my God, yes.

I should've told you immediately.

Perp Name Hall of Fame, right? Oh, yeah.

First ballot. I mean, that's right up there with

Sylvester Stools and Janet Storkmuncher.

Uh, but, also, I just...

I know we left things kinda weird.

You know, me saying that I liked you...

I'm still with Teddy. Romantic styles.

Oh, good. Good. 'Cause I was gonna say,

I know we left things weird,

'cause I said that I liked you.

But that was a mistake. You know?

I was nervous about going undercover.

And I think I just kind of freaked out,

and you were nearby, so...

I didn't mean it.

But, that's great. Good.

Hey! So, Joe Uterus, what did he do?

Killed a bunch of stray dogs.

Huh. Name's funnier than the story.

There's a confused old woman here who wants to talk to a detective.

Oh, come on. Another drill?

Hello. My name is Adelaide.

I'd like to report a crime.

So we're just doing one of these every day?

Oh, you got it!

I know you got it. I want my money.

Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Why are we doing this?

It's Captain's orders. My name is Adelaide Van Hoyt,

I'm 89 years old,

and I'm here to report a crime.

Not a problem. We can help you.

Adelaide Van Hoyt, 89 years old.

Goatee, 6'3", 290 pounds.

Hey! This is a tight 240.

Show Adelaide some damn respect.

Hey, Charles. You pretty excited about Jake being back?

Yeah. It's like when I was a kid and my grandma came home from the hospital,

only better, because Jake's not unresponsive.

Ah. Every time you talk, I hear that sound that plays when Pac-Man dies.

Charles, I'm concerned that you're gonna tell Jake about the incident.

Nobody can ever know that we had sex, all right?

I have spent years cultivating a reputation

as someone who sleeps with bike messengers,

or better.

Look, I don't want people finding out about it either.

I don't want to be known as the office slut.

Yeah, well, Jake's back and you tell him everything.

No, I don't.

I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees.

I was fine until they went inside the hive.

Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him.

It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow...

It definitely won't be later than tomorrow.

So, pretty much today or tomorrow, then.

Peralta. Special Agent Marx is here to make your transfer

back to the NYPD official.

And on behalf of the Bureau, I wanted to personally thank you for your service.

Bureau. That's FBI lingo for FBI.

Yes. I've been a cop for 30 years. And I've seen movies.

Roger that.

You'll be happy to know that the operation turned out

to be one of the biggest RICO busts of all time.

RICO stands for Racketeering Investigative Cop Awesome.

I have to ask. Do you think awesome begins with an "O"?

Yes. Fifteen of sixteen targets are in custody.

Wait. Who got away?

Freddy Maliardi. Tac team screwed up, hit his apartment up a couple of minutes late,

and he disappeared.

But Freddy's, like, the worst of all those guys.

Extortion, terrible breath, murder...

I put terrible breath too high on that list.

I should go back undercover, see if any of my contacts can tell me where he is.

No. They're looking for a rat.

And as a former cop, there's no way they're gonna trust you.

I guarantee you they do.

Me and those guys went through some pretty intense stuff.

(SINGING) Sing us a song you're the piano man...

In the mafia, once you "Joel" together, you're bonded for life.

Look, you know those guys, but I just think this is too big of a risk.

There's nothing you can do. Sometimes things are just out of your control.

Not good enough.

Boyle, we're going undercover.

You look amazing. But you smell really bad.

That's my cologne. Welcome to the mafia.

Okay. If Freddy's still in town,

Benny De Conti will know about it.

He owns the restaurant they all eat at.

He knows everything about everything.

Good. Hey, when you were undercover, did you, like, have a mafia best friend?

I'm not jealous, I'm just wondering.

Uh, I don't know. I guess, I did a bunch of jobs with a guy named Derek.

Great. Great. Derek. Sounds like a great guy.

Charles, don't do this to yourself, all right?

Okay, fine. All right. So we're going to the restaurant.

What's my cover? Am I in the mob?

Ooh! I've got the perfect thing!

A sun hat?

Mafia. No, just be yourself, a cop.

Benny might think I'm a rat,

so I'll go in and talk to him,

then you come in a minute later with your badge out,

pick a fight with me, and punch me in the face.

No! I could never hurt you, Jake.

Well, you've got to hit me somewhere.

Fine. It'll be the balls then.

No! Just hit me in the face.

Look, if it's so hard, imagine I'm somebody you hate.

Derek. I barely know him.

Fine! Come on.

Captain! We are done with the drill.

The old lady confessed to a 40-year-old unsolved murder in Rhode Island.

We filled out the interstate file request

and remanded her to the custody of her daughter.

Adelaide has successfully transformed back into a giant man, sir.