The Silence of the Hams (Il silenzio dei prosciutti)

You are about to witness a murder. My murder.

Alfred!

Why was I stabbed in the chest?

Did I know too much?

Did I know too little?

Did I know just enough?

Or was it my shower cap?

It all began three short days ago in Los Angeles, California.

It was a day like any other day.

Can't we all just get along?

Hey, hey, hey excuse me, hey, Rodney.

Hey, could you give me another take of that?

Last time I shot it, it was too dark.

It was night, remember?

- Thank you. - Hey!

Stop where you are!

We're going to take 'em down!

Dead or alive!

No more "Mr. Nice Guy"!

Tell me, don't die!

Tell me quick, who was it, who was it?

It was-- Who was it?

It was The Gimp.

These are the feet of rookie FBI agent Jo Dee Fostar.

He is in heavy training for his first big case.

FBI rookies get the finest training equipment.

Thank you, Jo.

Pleasure.

See you tomorrow!

Morning, Jo.

Morning, George.

Still running, I see.

Sure.

I used to run for office.

Now you run to office.

What's so funny? I didn't get it.

- It's nothing. - You want some?

Thank you, I got my own.

Go for it.

Good Morning, Jo.

Morning, Bill, how's it going?

Fine, fine.

"Dawn of the Dead" is it?

I see the presidential escort is out, but where's the president?

- He's right here. - Here?

I only see her husband.

What's so funny?

What's he blowing so hard for?

You know he doesn't inhale.

And no one in the US of A will inhale after I tax the air they breathe.

What do you mean by that?

This is the way you thank me after I save your ass from Saddam's killers?

Those missiles cost money, you know?

Who's going to pay for that?

Halt!

- You Jo Dee Fostar? - How do you know?

30 years out on the job he wants to know.

The boss wants you!

- The boss wants-- - And where in hell have you been?

- I went outside on-- - Shut up!

I didn't authorize you to speak!

- Can I say one thing? - Why? Sure.

Okay, now look--

Shut up!

Unbelievable, have you read this?

Guy can go out and get a sex change one day.

And the next he comes into the office and we're supposed to call him madam.

Unbelievable.

Never mind him.

Remember, here you not only got to know how to talk, you got to know how to listen!

After all, this is...

...the FBI!

Jo followed the sergeant to a division of the FBI...

...who deal only with the most violent criminals.

The game is up lady.

We have had you followed and we know what you're about.

Miss Sharon Bone, cut the crap and come clean!

I told you what happened that day.

I have nothing else to say.

Sharon Bone, you're lying.

Stop pulling our legs!

If Jo thought this was going to be a routine assignment...

...he was in for a big surprise.

Now wait here boy, and stay put!

Remember, learning how to wait is one of the secrets of the FBI!

His boss, Inspector Putrid, was a man of energy and passion who held nothing in.

Hi, Jo.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I don't feel too good.

Must've eaten something to upset my intestines. Could have been those oysters.

Fried the shell with Mexican refried beans, onions, paprika...

...peanut oil, dates, okra, jalapenos, a touch of Ginger.

Not now, Ginger.

Boy, I feel down in the dumps!

Speaking of dumps, that's the sixth time today I've ridden the old porcelain pony.

Anyway, the mission I'm entrusting to you is very delicate.

It's a dirty job.

It really stinks, because the killer is a psychopath.

Extremely, extremely dangerous man.

In order to get the most accurate information possible...

...we decided to question all prison inmates who have the same hang-up.

What conclusions have you found?

There are no psychopathic inmates in the entire US of A.

That's too bad. I would've given $10,000 to meet one.

Here's one! Found him!

I just remembered that I have one up in the Hollywood Nuthouse.

Pay up, Jo.

Boss, come on now. It's just a figure of speech.

Settle down, boy.

Close the door.

Close the door!

Now you remember, boy, we don't use figures of speech around here.

You belong to the FB--

Thank God he missed my car.

$10,000.

This man is smart as a gorilla.

He's strong as a fox!

You be careful.

Thanks, boss.

Jo, I am sick of sneaking around during my lunch break.

Either we get married or no more pokey.

Jane, marrying you is my dream, but right now times are hard.

Yeah, I can see how hard they are.

But darling, money isn't everything.

I can get by on your cash flow.

Jane, let's not touch that subject for the moment.

Lunch is over.

We got to get back to the office.

Jo, you're the longest boyfriend I've had here in Los Angeles...

...but I can't take it anymore.

I want respectability.

I want a house with a white picket fence.

I want children parked in the garage.

I want a station wagon playing in the yard.

Wait, what are you trying to tell me? You want to leave me?

You know this is a delicate moment. I have to finish my FBI training course.

They just assigned me to a very important case...

...that could launch my career and you want me to marry you.

Knowing I just got a divorce.

All right, she was my mother, but she's still a woman.

And she loves me.

Which reminds me, I have to pay alimony.

Which I can't do because I don't have any money. Don't you see my dilemma?

No, of course you don't.

Nope, you don't understand.

Or you don't want to understand.

No, you don't want to understand and you're selfish.

You don't understand, you're selfish, and you're inconsiderate.

You don't understand, you're selfish, inconsiderate and, and...

I'm sorry, you're sick and tired of hearing this aren't you?

You must leave, darling.

Jo, I've never seen you so mighty before.

It's nothing.

I always get this way when I'm in the act of solving a case.

I'll give you a lift.

That's okay, I can catch the bus right outside.

Jo was nervous.

His investigation had to begin at the Hollywood Nuthouse.

There it was, ominous and intimidating.

Jo needed to proceed with caution.

And above all, not lose sight of his objective.

Good evening. FBI, I have an appointment.

It was a tough prison.

Inmates were released only if they consented to medical experiments.

Okay, malicious Mel.

Here are your personal affects.

Must be pretty excited to be getting out of here after 30 years, huh?

This one just had cosmetic surgery.

Thank you, see you later!

Bye bye now.

The man you want to see is in this wing.

Good luck.

Master, master, why do I have such an ugly face?

Here, kiss this, it'll make you prettier!

It's alive, its alive!

Buddy, you better be real careful.

Dr. Animal is very dangerous.

His intelligence goes beyond the borders of the human mind.

His savagery goes beyond the borders of the animal.

How'd he go beyond all these borders if he doesn't have a passport?

There's little to laugh about.

Look what he did to his victims.

Take those photos, it's terrible.

Well that's why they called him Dr. Animal Cannibal Pizza.

He was a psychiatrist and one day he got evicted.

Homeless and with no office and being of Italian origin...

...he began to see his patients in a pizza joint during closing time.

You go down through this tunnel, then I'll open the gate...

...which will lead to Dr. Animals cell.

Once inside, don't stop along the way...

...and don't be afraid of the other inmates in the wing.

And above all, don't feed Dr. Animal.

Once upon a time a guard succumbed to his flattery and gave him a tomato.

The poor slob was found ground up in a bottle of ketchup...

...on a table at McDonald's in San Diego.

Do me a favor, keep it down. This is a delicate case and my mission is top secret.

- Don't worry, my lips are sealed. - Thanks.

Hey guys, there's another asshole cop going down to see Animal Cannibal!

Give me the phone, I want to call the newspapers!

The maximum security wing, horrible, terrifying, blood-curdling.