Let's Kill Ward's Wife

Okay, everybody!

Hello!

Hi!

Thanks for coming.

Um, so this is a really big day for me.

Uh, I guess. Well, duh.

'Cause it's my only son's baptism.

- Yay. - Ooh-ooh!

Um...

I love paper.

I do. It's, like, my passion.

And I've always wanted to own my own papiere.

Not that you care, because I don't...

I don't tell people that, because people steal ideas a...

it's happened to me numerous occasions with... what?

- Huh? - What did you say?

You just said something. What?

I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did. You made, like, a noise or something.

I...

Whatever.

Great.

Um...

God, um...

- You were saying? - I know what I'm saying!

I know what I'm saying. Just let me say it.

I had this whole thing prepared about God and paper and love

and godparents, and it was all tied in together.

Now I can't do it now. I can't do it now.

So, um...

You know what? You can say something.

Ward!

Say it. Okay. Okay.

I'll just plate the cake.

- We would like to thank... - No, not "we," Ward.

I wanted to say something, and you ruined it.

You didn't let me say it, so now it's on you.

You can fucking say something,

you asshole.

Thank you all for coming. Uh...

"I thought that we could be so much more"

- We've got cake! - Right.

I just wanna smash her fucking face

right in that fucking cake.

I put my heart into that speech, and you ruined it.

Honey, I didn't say...

you gonna let her up?

- I wouldn't. - Fuck her.

Are you sure, it's not in your bag?

Yeah, honey, I'm sure. You said you saw it in the bathroom?

I never said that.

You're nervous.

No, I'm not... I'm not nervous, I'm excited.

I mean, it's Robin Peters, you know?

I don't even remember the last thing she was in.

How does she look these days?

Well, here.

Pretty good.

Hmm.

Do you think she has implants?

Maybe I should get implants.

Maybe her, not you.

Well, it looks like it.

See if you can tell, but don't be obvious.

Can you give me a break?

Babe, I checked there.

Huh.

Well, thank you.

All right.

I love you. I will see you later.

I love you too.

Maybe we can do some loving tonight?

Yeah. Okay.

Lily, come on, honey. We gotta move.

Hello? Y... oh.

Sorry. Hey.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I got it all.

Got her lunch, her snack, got all her shit.

What? She can't hear me. She's in the other room. Shh, shh.

I'm right here.

She just rounded the corner. We got it. We'll be there.

- Traitor. - Potty mouth.

- Honey- - Again!

Chicken wrap, all white,

no tomato, salsa... extra salsa.

On the side!

Christ! On the side!

On the side. I got it, babe.

Morning. Morning, Stacy.

Apparently I'm your number one neighbor.

- You got a tough one there, my friend. - Well...

Late start for you, huh?

- Nah, I just forgot my shades. - Oh, there you go.

You know, you got a brake light out there, Ward.

Really?

Yep. Brake light is out. I'm gonna need to see

you driver's license and registration.

Okay. I got... hold it. Give me a second.

- Ward. - Yeah?

I'm kidding. I'm your neighbor.

You have a good day, my friend.

Thanks, Bruce.

Yeah!

Hello.

You know what the fucking problem is?

Good morning.

Every fucking morning, I spend nearly $3

for my iced coffee, mind you, which is the same as the drip,

which is given to you at the counter, where you pay.

But is my iced coffee given to me at the counter?

I am guessing no.

Do you know how long it takes to make a blended drink?

Uh, seven hours.

Fuck you. A long fucking time.

These people move with the urgency of a glacier.

Hold on. Hey, you need a hand?

- Oh, I got it. - You sure?

Mm-hmm. How's your iced coffee?

- It's the best one yet. - You like it creamy?

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Who was that? - The chick that works the counter.

Wow. You really let her know how you feel.

Fuck you. She's cute.

She sucks at her job, but she's fucking cute.

Hey, are we still on for Sunday?

Yeah, we better be.

Good. A father's day golf is just what the doctor ordered.

Of course, I'll spend my day hitting tour-quality shots

while pussy ward thins every iron

and somehow manages to end up on the green.

Oh, hey, I'm pulling up to Robin Peters.

- Oh, dude, that's today? - Yeah. I'll fill you in later.

W-w-wait. Tell her she sucked in prairie girl.

Ms. Peters, I'm so sorry I'm late. Tom Bradford, ego magazine.

Mr. Bradford,

I've been doing interviews for over two decades now,

and not once have I had to wait for the interviewer.

I'm... I'm so sorry I'm late.

Uh...

You are seven minutes late.

Relax.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Hey.

Sorry. We, uh... we were... we just got a muffin.

We stopped, and the line was...

I've actually never seen a line that long.

- Sure. - Hey, tootsie. Sorry.

Why don't you go into your classroom,

and we'll be right there, okay?

Go on inside, okay? Go on. Run, run.

What does that mean, "sure"?

Nothing.

Can you take lily this weekend?

You can't do this weekend?

I was just hoping we could switch weekends is all.

I mean, if it's a big deal, then...

No. I can help you out.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

You got a hot date? Or... no?

Nothing? You just... you just wanna be alone?

Get some alone time?

It's not like a Vegas girl's weekend...

can you switch with me or not?

Look, I'm just trying to have an adult conversation here.

Is that what this is?

You're being super defensive, so, uh...

so I guess I'll take that as you have a new lover.

I will hit you.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God. - Mom!

Hi. I am so sorry. I don't mean to bother you.

- It's okay. - Is it okay if I take a picture with you?

- Sure. - You don't mind?

- No, not at all. - Would you mind?

- I'm coming in. - Okay.

- Thank you. - Sure.

- Thank you so much. - Uh-huh.

I'm just such a huge fan of west end medical.

- Oh, yeah? - I miss Bryce.

Yeah. Me too.

So what are you up to now?

Eh, not ripe yet.

Oh, yeah! Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Ohh!

Crabgrass?

Robin Peters.

Hey! How'd it go?

She is fantastic.

Really? Fantastic.

Huh.

- The interview, however... - Why?

A two-time academy award nominee, right?

Couldn't get arrested after pole dance. She claws her way back.

Bit part here, supporting part there.

Oh, man, but her tits in brick layer.

I know. Real, I think. That reminds me.

I gotta call geena. Hey, remind me to call geena.

All right, boss.