True Tears (トゥルー　ティアーズ)

Welcome back to the 2012 draft.

We've been talking about it for months, so the next pick will not come as a surprise.

It's going to be Robert Griffin Ill, quarterback out of Baylor.

See you soon.

At 62", 217 pounds, the Heisman Trophy winner...

ran the fastest 40-yard dash by a quarterback at this year's NFL scouting combine.

Scouts are also raving about his accuracy as a passer.

Yes.

Ha, ha. Welcome to the league. Thanks, commissioner.

Yeah. Here we go. Uh-oh. What's this? Here we go, Rob.

Ah. Here it is.

It's official. Bam!

We're best friends. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, now.

Colleagues. Acquaintances.

All right.

Congratulations, Robert.

All your hopes and dreams have finally culminated...

in you being a member of Pete Top/Kevin Bottom.

All the hard work's definitely paid off.

Those days of protein shakes and bad gas landed me on Team Ruxin.

We're the best. Just how good do you think it can be?

I think Pete Top/Kevin Bottom can win the Shiva Bowl. No doubt.

Ho-ho! Shivakamini Somakandarkram, bitches!

And you don't find him even remotely annoying?

Actually, I do not. I respect him.

That's right, Andre's on the clock. Suck it!

Wait up, Rodney. Why you telling people we're family?

Next up in the 2012 draft, it's the pick from the poorly named Double Ent-Andres.

You suck.

Sorry. The Double Ent-Andres select Trent Richardson, running back, Alabama.

Let's do this. Yeah.

Dodged a bullet on that one, huh?

All right. I like that. There it is. Put it on, right?

Boom. Double Ent-Andres.

Trent, I gotta ask you.

How does it feel to be the newest team member of a pun-inspired squad?

Worst feeling ever. I demand a trade.

I could do that. I could do that. I'll give you a trade. Here, look.

You can be part of the James Bandres. Right? That's even worse.

That is worse. Here, look, I got the socks.

Check out my socks, right?

"Child please." Right? And this is one of my own.

"Try the veal." I'm not the sock guy.

Yeah, you're the sock guy. You had socks. He's not the sock guy.

Unless you've been hit over the head or sleeping under a rock for a year, it's RGIII.

You're the sock guy, and you don't know what you're talking about.

Hey, I'm the sock guy, and got something for you.

And the sock guy says, "Andre is a tool." Okay, that...

Yeah, let that sink in.

Okay, plan B.

Hey, is there anyone else out there I could draft? Anyone?

Hey. Hey, what are you doing? Sit down.

I'd rather you get undrafted than go play on that team.

You're probably right.

I'm gonna stay in school. I'm fine right where I am.

So what is sad verging on something worse than sad, that a player in a statless position...

would rather stay in school than become a member of the Double Ent-Andres.

Please reconsider. You won't regret this.

You will. Back it up.

Okay, who are you? Back it up.

His mother. Okay, I am sorry.

I'll draft the whole family. I got a lot of positions.

You'd be a great kicker.

What did you call me? Sorry.

What? You little skinny MC Hammer! It's not bad. Whoa! Unh.

Oh, this appears to be another draft day first.

Wonder what the commissioner has to say about that. Rodney?

Rodney? Rodney? Mm.

Rodney. Oh, call me Roger, call me Roger.

Roger? Unh!

What happened?

I drafted too early.

I think I got a second-round pick coming.

All right. This round is brought to you by your Shiva Bowl champion.

Take it easy. Last season is definitely gonna have an asterisk by it.

No, no asterisk. I earned it. Yeah.

Ooh. Kevin McAsterisk.

That has a nice ring to it. Yes.

"They call me Mr. McAsterisk." No, they don't.

Can I be Taco McAsterisk? You guys can be the McAsterisk brothers.

Oh! Bam!

Boo.

What? Come on. It's cool. What are we gonna do, talk to the hand next?

Is that back in? Talk to the hand, because the face don't understand.

I'm sorry that you have to pleasure that monster. It must be unbearable for you.

All right, I have a grievance here.

You are the Sacko.

I would like to dole out Sacko punishments...

but I'm not allowed to?

Yeah, you know what, I think my punishment was enough when I got a full-on stroke.

That was more of like a baby stroke. Yeah, like a "strokelet."

Who hasn't had a stroke? Seriously.

Regardless, my Sacko was temporary...

but someone here is carrying a bit of Sacko around with him always.

How's that tramp stamp feeling, Pete? Funny you should ask.

Andre and I have been lasering in the off season.

Check it out. It's magic. Only four sessions. - Yeah.

Is it weird to have a sack above your butthole that doesn't belong to Kevin?

This actually is working for me. I can convince girls I was in an all-black fraternity. Perfect.

Hey, which one of y'all is Kevin?

Uh, the one with the freakishly large head. Uh, what the hell is this?

This is my new online cowboy business. A division of Taco Corp.

Have bad news for someone? Hire a cowboy to deliver the message.

Everything sounds better coming from a cowboy.

This one's for you, Kevin.

Kevin, the money you loaned Taco

He ain't payin' it back

I like it. Didn't need Howdy Doody to tell me.

Wait, wait. So you paid this guy to tell Kevin that you won't be paying Kevin back?

- Yeah. I almost broke even. - That's what I thought.

Which one is Andre? Oh, it's me.

Andre, you little metrosexual cowpoke

Taco hung out at your house

When you weren't there Hey, what?

He left a bunch of shrimp But consarn it, he can't remember where

Wait. Did the message say anything else?

When did he leave the shrimp? Don't know.

Y'all have a good one. I need to send a message to Taco.

Find out where he left that shrimp! I'll pay any price.

See? I am gonna make a fortune.

No, you're not. It's time to talk football.

Commissioner, please. What is our draft order this year?

Um, I am no longer the commissioner of this league.

Wait a second. If you're not the commissioner, who is?

Howdy, partners.

Oh, no. No, I told you no cards. Son of a bitch.

So this is how you were able to hold onto your championship.

By the way, I don't like the C word, but this is collusion.

It is not collusion because I'm commissioner, and I'm saying it's not collusion.

- Wow, this is gonna be a great year. - It'll be a wonderful year.

The reign of Ruxin will continue and it will be glorious.

I'm using this commissioner stuff exclusively for my yank bank.

No more boobs, no more vaginas.

Just the concept of total control is erotic to me.

I am at full chub right now.

So how'd they take it?

Not well. No? Draft gonna be next weekend still?

Indeed. Good.

Draft me a beautiful team next weekend. Week after that, have a beautiful baby boy.

And I get to name him. That was the deal.

My beautiful boy.

I love you. I love you.

No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't. Easy.

Come on, Kevin. I'm not gonna explode.

I just don't want my son that close to my dick. I just don't.

How big do you think you are, Kevin?

I just feel like right now...

that tunnel is outbound traffic only. Really?

Yeah. Because my other outbound tunnel...

you have tried to go inbound on many times.

You're not in the car during rush hour, the traffic signs are very confusing.

Oh, come on, I miss it. I know, I miss it too. I really do.

I want just a little...

No, no, look, look, look.

Look at the proximity. It's like they're whispering to each other.

Don't you miss it? I do.

Then do something about it.

I tried watching pregnancy porn, but it just grossed me out more.

Okay. Okay. Come on, just get comfortable.

You should be on bed rest. Ugh.

Good night, my sweet love. Good night.

You say something?

Jenny, you look amazing. Pregnancy totally suits you.

Ugh. I'm over it.

How's that constipation? No. We don't talk about that.

I'm a doctor. You're a plastic surgeon.

He wants to give your poo a nose job. Who cares about Jenny?

She's a coke mule for that little dime bag of joy. Thank you, Taco.

Mama needs more chips.

By the way, you guys think of names yet? We're kicking around a couple.

- Good. I have a ton of suggestions. - No.

What? No.

Okay, don't hold it against Jenny. She's got all these hormones racing through her body.

I imagine she's pretty aroused.

Wow.

You gonna tap that? First of all, husbands don't tap their wives...

especially when nine months pregnant.

And I don't think anybody has tapped anybody since 1997.

- Guess what. - What?

I got a new job. What?

Look at that. Congratulations, Pete.

Got rid of that dead-end pencil-pushing job.

Not in life. In the league.

I figured since the Sacko commissioner was going dormant...

I got myself a new title. I am the custodian of the Hall of Records.

"Custodian" is fitting.

The league website has this thing called the "League History," and it's been ignored.

That's where I send my lineup. That's why you don't have a lineup.

Anyhow, I filled our League History page with factoids and fun tidbits from our time together.

That's a pretty solid idea, Pete. That's ni...

Oh, what the shit, man?

It's a factoid.

He posted naked pictures of me.

Well, yeah. It's really just a nice remembrance...

of the time when you used to get drunk in college and run errands naked.

Whoa, wait, wait. What is this? "Women that Andre has slept with"?

Let me see. This is not a complete list.

There's only four people here. I've slept with plenty of women.

You wanna back me up? Yeah. All four are there.

You guys see what Pete's doing.