Toast of London

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Phone us on... That's great, Steven. That's literally it. What?

You don't want me to finish it?

There's no phone number. It just stops.

All good, buddy.

It's half an advert. It's a bit bloody peculiar, isn't it?

Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

Shut up, I'm talking to the grown-up.

Who the hell wants half an advert? Honestly, Steven.

Don't worry. It's just a demo for some new client.

It probably won't go anywhere, anyway.

What the hell are you talking about?

Steven, look, we've really got to wrap this up

and crack on with another session.

Is that Colin? Yeah, yeah. He's waiting outside.

All right, all right.

I suppose I'll see you two next Thursday.

Actually, Steven... What?

Would you mind showing Colin in on your way out?

Only, I don't think he's been here before.

It's just through there. I think they're expecting you.

I know where it is, thank you, big boy.

God, I thought he'd never leave. He's such a dick!

What the...?

Are you sure he's gone? Oh, yeah.

Just going to play some of the guide through your headphones. OK.

'Find a better job...' Got it.

Are we rolling?

'and find a better job.

'There's a great new career out there, waiting for you.

'Phone us on 08081 570000.'

What the f...?

Well, I see you're enjoying the hospitality here, Steven.

Well, it's a bit early for me, but your chef was very insistent.

I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he?

He is. Anyway, bottoms up!

So, I understand you are returning to the theatre in the Scottish play.

Ha-ha, yes. And I notice you didn't say it.

I know. Is it still a big no-no in theatrical circles,

to actually say "Macbeth"?

Yeah.

Anyway, it's a great part and it's in Regents Park.

It's in the open air.

Yep, I mean it's always a pleasure to do Shakespeare

and it's a nice bonus that you get some fresh air at the same time.

Well, it's being simultaneously broadcast, of course,

live on ITV's Night of Culture.

Is it?

Yes, yes! Right. Well, I wasn't aware of that.

Yeah, it is, because you know, doing a whole Shakespeare play

live on TV - I mean, that's brave. It must be nerve-wracking.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise to the challenge.

Now, who else is in it?

Oh, well, there's Oona Length, Rob Continental...

Ray Purchase?

..there's, er... Oh, and of course, Sue Pressier,

who's worked a lot with Stanley Kubrick.

Ooh, are you a Kubrick fan?

I wouldn't say I'm a fan but I did meet him once.

Really? Mmm.

What happened? Well, it was a long time ago.

Have you got time? Yeah.

OK. Well, it would have been about 1969.

I was doing some cheap, pornographic film in Pinewood Studios.

I mean, I don't know whether this is of any interest to you...

I could tell they were desperate to catch you.

"Name your price," they said.

And I picked the biggest number I could think of.

£5,000 - for a voiceover!

Isn't that terrific?

£5,000? Yes!

And they said, "Name your price?"

Anything at all.

There were no limits on how high they were willing to go!

Well, why didn't you say £6,000?

Or £600,000, or a million pounds?!

Or a million, million pounds?!

Because at the time,

the biggest number I could think of was £5,000.

Anyway, we got the gig.

You're blasted lucky to be getting any voiceover jobs at all.

This tiny chap who sounds just like you is moving in on your patch.

Slightly cheaper and infinitely easier to work with.

Yeah, this can't be legal. Can you not sue him, or something?

Ha!

And talking of suing people, I should be suing you

for failing to mention that this

Shakespeare thing's going out live on TV!

Oh, did I not tell you?

Yes, a Night of Culture on ITV -

straight after Emmerdale Farm.

Imagine the viewers!

Jane, I...

I've never done any live television.

What are you talking about? You did it this morning, you cretin!

What, ten minutes on Lorraine?

And I was half-boozed.

Three hours of intense Shakespeare's a different box of cheese!

Indeed.

Who could forget when dear old Patrick Stewart... Ooh.

How was Lorraine this morning, anyway? I missed it.

No idea, I was pissed.

Jane, your phone's actually lit up.

I've never seen it do that before. Very quiet!

This is Jane Plough speaking.

Who am I talking to, please?

What's this in reference to?

Well, I'll have to speak to him myself.

No comment.

Who was that?

Do you remember telling a story about Stanley Kubrick

to Lorraine this morning, Toast?

God, I couldn't have been that pissed, could I?

Just answer the question.

I may have told her 'the story.'

'The story'?

Go on, then.

Well, it was a few years ago, now.

1969, to be precise.

I was at Pinewood Studios...

'doing some low budget film. Some sex comedy, probably.

'Anyway, I smoked a hell of a lot of grass back then

'and would frequently not remember what I was doing.

'I was supposed to meet someone at Stage B,

'but I foolishly walked into Stage D.'

I mean, I really was cock of the walk, back then.

I mean, I paid no mind to any rules or regs.

I mean, you might call me an easy rider.

Get on with it, Toast.

All right.

Anyway, I wandered through the back door...

'but failed to notice a large "keep out" sign and red recording light

'as I made my way into the vast film studios.

'It could have been something to do with

'the amount of Children in Need I was smoking,

'but the very next thing I knew, I was walking on the moon.

'I could even see a couple of astronauts waving at me

'and the Apollo 11 space module.'

Hey! C-cut! Hey!

'But out of nowhere...' Hey, you!

'..a parka-wearing hairy man whom I recognised as Stanley Kubrick

'slammed me hard against a wall.'

Who are you?

'He demanded to know who I was.'

Steven Toast. Steven Toast?

'When I informed him, he berated me in an angry fashion.'

If you ever breathe a word about what you've just seen,

I guarantee you'll be tracked down and killed.

If I ever hear of you again...

..you're dead! Ooh!

'And another thing...' Now, get the fuck off my set!

'After Kubrick had finished berating me,

'I noticed the stern-looking man in the doorway watching

'was none other than...'

Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon.

Well, how in hell did you know that?

Very lucky guess.

How amazing!

The actual president of the United States!

You know what you've done, don't you, Toast? No.

On a live television programme, watched by possibly millions,

you cheerfully admitted to having witnessed something

that could not only bring down the US government,

but could also destroy the entire world.

Could I use your toilet facilities?

It's no good. These pickled onions are always tricky.

Well, maybe Ray will be able to get it off later.

I very much doubt that.

There!

That looks great.

This whole Kubrick thing - it's a most peculiar business.

Oh, you are under enormous pressure at the moment, Toast.

Maybe you hallucinated it?

Well, of course, I bloody didn't. You can't hallucinate the past.

I know what I saw.

I'm sure it's connected to you

doing this Shakespeare in the park live on TV. How?

Some kind of nervous reaction related to stage fright

has induced a false memory.

It can do odd things. Who can forget dear old Patrick Stewart?

Mmm, maybe. Anyway, where were we?

Well, you were trying to get the lid off my pickled onions.

Well, maybe I've got some pickled onions of my own that need releasing.

..Just such an arsehole. Can you believe it?

The moon landing. The moon landings? Kubrick?

A breakdown, live on Lorraine.

Unbelievable!

Any sign of Peggy?

Peggy?

I don't think even legendary theatre director Peggy Plywood

can help you out of this one, Toast.

Ray bloody Purchase.

Anyone got a number for the men in white coats?

Walking on the moon? Really, Toast? You've trumped yourself this time.

And you chose to have your meltdown live on Lorraine! Just brilliant!

Shut up, Ray Purchase!

For those with your minds on other things, may I remind you

that in 30 hours' time, you'll be on stage

in one of Shakespeare's greatest plays?

Which is also being broadcast live to the nation on ITV!