Top Gear

Tonight, I eat a cabbage,

James throws a bird out of a car

and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.

USB.

CHEERING

Hello, everybody! Good evening. Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Now,

I want to start by talking about Denmark because, you see,

over the years, this tiny little country has contributed

so much to the betterment of mankind.

It's given us interesting furniture, stylish hi-fi,

amusing children's toys and, of course, this.

Danish bacon, Danish butter, wrapped in bread,

to create the only known cure

for vegetarianism.

LAUGHTER

Denmark, however, has never made a car...until now.

Because Denmark has more windmills per head

than any other country on Earth

and because Copenhagen is a cyclist's paradise,

you know exactly what sort of car it's going to be.

Yeah, well, it isn't.

I was also expecting Hans Christian Andersen with windscreen wipers

or The Little Mermaid with door handles, but no.

What we've got instead is this.

A 1,086 horsepower orange monster!

It's called the Zenvo ST1 and it is extremely fast.

It's got a 6.8 litre V8...

..which is supercharged AND turbocharged.

And that's like smearing a habanero chilli with wasabi

and then garnishing it with dynamite.

The net result is a speedometer that can't keep up.

It's just a blur. 138, 150, 170-something...

My God! No, no idea!

Apparently, however, flat out, it will do 233mph.

You know those Scandinavian crime dramas,

lots of quietly thoughtful people in jumpers looking out of the window?

This is nothing like that. Nothing at all.

So, it is very definitely a supercar.

And that's a problem

because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari

"or a Lamborghini or a Pagani or a Bugatti

"or a Porsche or an Audi R8 or a McLaren or an Aston Martin

"I would rather spend my money on something totally unproven,

"preferably from a company I've never heard of?"

I mean, why would you do that?

It's not like the engine is made from the tears of an angel

by the gods of science and precision.

What's more, it has conventional suspension

and a heavy, steel chassis.

However, because it's a bit last-week, you can

have some old-fashioned fun in the corners.

Oh-ho-ho!

'But you can also have an accident.'

Part of the problem is that if you engage sport or race mode,

the traction control is disengaged.

Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer,

makes it pretty much undrivable

He's right.

He is right.

There were also some issues with quality.

The lights filled with condensation,

the rear brakes didn't seem to be working properly,

then the clutch went.

So the car had to go back to Denmark.

After a couple of weeks, however, it was mended,

so the Zenvo came back.

But almost immediately...

a cooling fan went wrong.

Fire, fire, fire! Copy that.

So the car became even more orange.

And that was the end of that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That didn't do very well.

How much is this thing? How much? Mm.

?800,000. 800?!

LAUGHTER

Yes. Are there any upsides to it? Er, upsides, yes.

The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights.

LAUGHTER

Apart from the fire? Apart from the fire...

Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.

Well, it would be quiet. It was broken.

Yes, but amazingly, they have mended it again and it's back again.

And now we can find out how fast it does a lap of our track,

or rather IF it can do a lap of our track.

That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver

Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex.

SLOW-BUILDING LAUGHTER

And that on a recent trip to Cornwall,

he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset.

LAUGHTER

All we know is he's called The Stig!

CHEERING

And he's off!

Cautious start because it is soaking out there today.

Be beautiful, though, if it catches fire. Right, first corner.

Will it try to bite him? Nothing so far.

Oh, no, wait, there is a bit of a nibble at the end.

DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO

Absolutely no idea what The Stig is listening to.

I do know, however, he is in full race mode. No traction control

He is being cautious, though.

Right, through the Hammerhead.

Oh, no, it's stepped out again, but he has managed to hold it.

God, that is very good driving!

DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO

Right, is he going to lift?

Oh, yes, he is going to lift

because that thing is as racy as the Danish Prime Minister.

Through the tyres.

Only two corners left.

You can actually see it squirming on the lake where our track used to be.

Only Gambon left before he can have a lie down. Is he going to make it?

Is IT going to make it?

Yes, it has!

CHEERING

Now...

I have the time here.

Remember, it is an ?800,000 1,000 horsepower car, so here we go.

Ohhh...

No, it's a bit lower. Really?

Ohhh...

Oh-ho!

There you go, it's 1.29.9,

slower than a Ford Focus.

LAUGHTER

No, no, hang on a minute. I'm sorry. Hang on a minute.

Let's be fair about it. We need to look at another time for a wet lap.

There you go. It's slower than a German saloon car. It is!

You know this is Danish and it s orange and it's genetically flawed?

I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe...

LAUGHTER ..and shot it.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

He said that out loud, didn't he? He did.

He said it out loud.

Never mind, let's move on with the news

and, well, my big news this week, certainly

is I spent last weekend driving the new Porsche 980.

Oh, you did! It'll be on the show later in the series. There it is.

Come on, quick, quick, now, sneak preview. What is it like?

Well, Jennifer...

LAUGHTER

Funny(!)

Yeah, if you were watching last week, Jeremy did say on the show,

on TV, that if the Porsche was faster than the McLaren,

he would change his name to Jennifer. Yes.

Didn't you, Jennifer? Well, it won't be. See, I think it might just be.

Honestly, it... It's staggering Really.

It doesn't accelerate like most other cars.

You are not conscious of it

gaining speed through the gear as the revs rise.

It doesn't go, "Ohhh-aaahhh!"

It just goes straight to, "Aaaaargh!"

But, Hammond... What?

..the McLaren has more power than the Porsche

and is lighter than the Porsche I know.

But listen, Jennifer, the Porsche has four-wheel-drive

and four-wheel steer and on our track...

It will lose.

Listen, I'm sure the Luftwaffe were very proud

and pleased with the Messerschmitt Me 109.

That was a damn good aeroplane. Yes, but it wasn't...

It wasn't as good as the Spitfire!

No, you could do negative G in the Messerschmitt 109.

May, you are as bad as he is! That is going to be humiliated.

We are going to win. When I say we, Britain is going to...

I'm all for patriotism, that's great,

but you've just got to face facts. The thing is astonishing.

It's about how it manages those three engines... Shut up about it!

LAUGHTER I'm with you about the British thing,

but I sort of hope the Porsche wins, JENNIFER.

LAUGHTER

The news has been filled with a lot of scenes

of flood victims all waving their arms around

and going, "Oh, no, what are we going to do?"

End of the world really.

I mean, it certainly makes me very sad because the answer,

as we all know, is simple.

You buy a Ford transit van, cut a big hole in the floor,

take the back doors off, couple of engines in it, fans, skirts,

put it in the water, it sinks. That's true.

You get another transit van, more powerful engines,

totally redesigned. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

And it works perfectly. That IS the solution.

We predicted these floods six months ago and came up with the solution.

But what is really annoying is that everybody

is blaming the floods on David Cameron, the Environment Agency

pretty much anything you can name...

Mm-mm, I know exactly who is to blame

for this problem everybody is having.

Miranda Hart.

LAUGHTER

You laugh, but here's the thing

We are sitting here now on a Sunday evening.

Eight, nine million people in Britain have chosen to watch

some 1950s midwifery on the other side,

so they don't know about the hover-van.

That is the problem.