Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life

You guys wanna handle this for me?

On it, boss. On it.

I just said that.

Why do you even set this thing, rafe,

if you're not gonna go to sleep?

Give me the blaster, quick.

Ready. Aim.

Fire!

Check the barrel.

Uh-oh.

Ah, that never gets old.

Great. Now I have two headaches. Let's blast it.

On three. One...

Rafe.

Rafe?

Rise and shine, buddy.

Rafe.

Are you up?

Wake up!

What?

Oh, boy. Is it morning already?

Please tell me you did not stay up all night drawing again.

No, of course not.

No, the only reason I would ever be up all night

is just because I'm so excited to go to school today.

But I wasn't up all night.

Come here. Why?

Gross. What're you doing?

I'm wiping the excitement off your face.

It looks a lot like ink.

Mom, where's my breakfast?

It's coming.

Georgia, for the millionth time,

Calvin's not allowed in my room.

For the billionth time,

it's Mr. giggles to you.

And just because you're grumpy

doesn't give you the right to make the rest of us miserable.

Okay, guys, come on.

Let's go, Calvin. We don't have to take this.

You know, hon, i have to say,

really impressive updates for the vinlothian star cruiser.

Thanks.

Look...

I know it's hard, starting a new school mid-semester,

and I don't wanna take this away from you,

but you have to promise me

you won't spend every waking, sleeping moment working on this

when there's a whole big world out there.

Mom, there's a whole big world in there, too.

I'm talking about the real world.

Give it a try, would you?

For me?

Hmm?

Okay.

On the menu for today,

we have a farro basil salad with tomato coulis.

You know, Georgia and i would be completely fine

if you just made us, like, a bologna sandwich.

I'm a sous-chef, not a chemical engineer.

Oh, and for dessert,

we have a deconstructed lime tart.

Why'd you deconstruct it? I don't know.

I don't wanna do something the same old, regular way.

Where's the imagination in that?

If you wanna stand out, you wanna make a difference,

you gotta think outside the box.

Did you order an uber?

Oh, man!

She's gonna get me arrested.

Better you than me.

Hello! Not getting any younger here.

Uh, do that again, and you're not getting any older either.

I was just pulling it around to save time.

Never again.

Move.

You should wanna be early, too,

considering your track record.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Fine. Shut me out.

But I'm the only one willing to give you the cold hard facts.

You've been kicked out of two schools in one year.

Georgia, I'll handle the lectures.

Go for it.

No, thank you. I'm tired of that lecture.

See, you're exhausting people.

This is the last school that'll take you.

And if you mess up here,

you're gonna end up at a new school

called "prison elementary."

So get your head out of your keister.

Uh-tut-tut-tut-tut!

I'm just trying to help a brother out, mom.

Look how nice it looks.

It's gonna be a great first day.

I can just feel it.

So just be polite and don't forget to listen.

I'm sorry, what?

See, this is why kids shouldn't have Espresso.

No, no, no, i told you no more coffee.

Narc. Addict.

Snitches get stitches.

Stop. Listen. They have me working a double again,

so Carl's gonna pick you up.

No! Why?

I know. It's been a tough year for all of us.

But he's there for me when I need him.

And lately, I've really needed him.

So let's all put on our be-nice-to-Carl faces, okay?

Okay, we'll work on it, we'll work on it.

Listen, have a great first day. I love you so much.

Be on your best behavior. Okay?

Quiet in the hallways, please. Okay?

I'd like to have a silent hallway one of these days.

Excuse me, young man.

What is your name? Rafe khatchadorian.

What did you just say to me?

It's my last name. I'm new.

Well, being new does not entitle you

to swagger in here with no clothes on.

I'm... I'm wearing clothes.

No, those aren't clothes.

Those are rule violations.

Every single thing you have on flies in the face of rule number 22.

What's rule number 22?

Are you telling me that you haven't read our code of conduct?

All right, if I don't tell you,

I won't get in trouble, right?

Unbelievable.

The code of conduct, young man.

Read it, learn it, live it.

Rule number 22 is, "always obey the dress code."

That means no printed shirts, no wild colors.

Look what's happening to the collar of your shirt here.

Your headphones are dragging it open.

Nobody needs to see where your chest hairs are going to be.

Yeah, okay, yeah, got it.

"Got it"? How about, "got it, sir"?

Rule number one here at hills village

is to respect your principal.

And since I am the principal,

that means you need to respect me

by calling me "sir,"

or if you prefer, "principal Dwight."

Or maybe even "sir Dwight," if you like.

Good. You have recognized my keen sense of humor.

Not everybody does.

Good man. Okay, good.

All right. On your way into school, which is that way.

There he is!

Ah, intense, huh? Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Georgia thought i was gonna end up in prison,

but I think I'm already here.

Yeah, well, you know, at least in prison

we can carve, like, shanks out of toothbrushes, you know.

It's good to see you, Leo. Honestly, I didn't think you'd be here, too.

This was the last school in the district

that would take us.

Holla! Holla!

- It's so weird... - Excuse me.

Is your name David?

No.

Were you carved by Michelangelo?

No.

Stop standing around like a statue.

You're blocking the flow of traffic.

Yeah, you heard the warden, get back to your cell, rafe.

Hallway etiquette is no laughing matter, young man.

And rule number 11 clearly states,

"no loitering in the halls."

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, sir?

It's vice principal stricker.

Go, now.

Shon. Yeah?

Do you know how to sync this to your phone?

Um... probably not.

Doesn't your dad work at best buy? Oh, yeah, he does.

Just in marketing.

So you don't get any free stuff?

I do, but mostly office supplies.

You got it?

It's just homeroom. We'll wait.

Okay, let's start class.

Bella? Bella.

Please put your phone away during class.

You can't rate teachers on yelp anyway.

I've tried.

So we have a new student today.

I'm assuming you are...

I'm a transfer student, sir.

Oh, you don't have to call me "sir."

Makes me feel old. And I already feel old.

I drive a saturn.

It's just, principal Dwight told me to call everyone "sir."

It's one of his rules. Okay.

Well, I don't see any principal Dwight in here. Do you?

Seriously, do you? Because he is a master of disguise.

So we have a new transfer student today