Lucifer

Turn the music down, sir.

Hey, cut the music.

I'm sorry.

You know why I pulled you over?

Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise

your limited powers and punish me

for ignoring the speed limit.

It's okay. I understand.

I-I like to punish people, too.

Or at least I used to.

License and registration.

Coming right up.

Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

Yes, of course.

Is that not enough?

Take more. It's only money.

It's against the law, sir.

You people are funny about your laws, aren't you?

You break the law sometimes, don't you?

Sometimes...

I put my siren on and drive really fast

for no reason at all,

just 'cause I can.

Right?

And why wouldn't you? It's fun.

It feels good to get away with something, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Uh, it's okay, Officer.

People like to tell me things,

those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind.

It's a gift.

Must be something about this face.

You're tempted to keep that, aren't you?

Well, what are you waiting for, permission?

Go on, take it, buy yourself something pretty.

You deserve it.

But if you don't mind, I really must be on my way.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Hey, have a nice evening.

You, too, Officer.

You, too.

Where have you been?

Oh, holed up in a château,

copulating with a young woman named Faith.

It's ironic, isn't it?

Thank you, Patrick. You can go.

You little devil.

What?

I dropped something.

Well, I'm sure you did.

Now, Lucifer, I am a big fan of sex.

Obviously.

But I didn't leave Hell to be a bartender.

Shouldn't you be spending your valuable time

doing something more significant?

You're the lord of Hell, for crying out loud.

I am retired, Maze. I've got nothing but time.

Thank you.

I think you have a visitor.

Amenadiel, how's it hanging, big guy?

Huh?

Your return to the Underworld has been requested.

Oh, right, okay.

Let me just, uh, check my calendar.

Yeah, here it is.

Uh, the seventh of never

through to the 15th of ain't-gonna-happen.

How does that work for you guys?

Look, remind Dad that I quit Hell

because I was sick and tired of playing a part in his play.

I'm gonna warn you

against disrespecting our father, Lucifer.

Yeah, well, our father's been disrespecting me

since the beginning of time,

so pot-kettle, don't you think?

You are a mockery of everything divine.

Thank you.

Thank you, but lately I've been doing a fair amount of thinking.

Now, do you think I'm the Devil

because I'm inherently evil,

just because dear old Dad decided I was?

What exactly do you think happens

when the Devil leaves Hell?

All of those demons,

all of those tormented and tortured souls,

where do you think they go?

Don't know, don't care.

Not my problem, brother.

So consider the position officially open.

And you, my feathered friend, can go to Hell.

Yeah, try it.

You think Father's upset now.

You know, he will not be merciful for much longer.

Hey, you.

Remember me?

- You're famous, aren't you? - Delilah!

- Delilah, isn't it? - I love you, Delilah!

Can I have your autograph?

If I can have a drink.

So are you gonna tell me why you really came back?

There's something I need to know.

And what's that?

Did I... sell my soul to the Devil?

Well, that would imply

the Devil's actually interested in your soul.

Look, all I did was introduce you

to a few key people who owed me favors, that's all.

I mean, with all the good came a hell of a lot of bad.

Oh, right, so the Devil made you do it, did he?

The alcohol and the drugs, the topless selfies.

The choices are on you, my dear.

I mean, Jimmy Barnes?

I can't believe you almost married that sweaty little imp.

He produced my album.

You introduced me to him.

I suggested you work with him, not sleep with him.

Well, I got confused.

And then you left him at the altar.

Yeah, that was rude of me.

No, actually, I quite enjoyed that bit.

You know, he trapped me in the bathroom at the Grammys,

said he wanted to get back together.

Then I hear he's marrying

a supermodel-- this weekend.

And I'm jealous.

Oh, God, I'm a mess.

God has nothing to do with your mess.

Look...

You didn't sell your soul, Delilah.

You do owe me a favor.

I'm scared.

You should be.

Because what I'm about to ask you

is gonna be quite difficult for you.

Pull yourself together.

That's it, that's all I'm asking.

'Cause you're wasting your talent, your life.

Hmm?

You're human, darling.

I'm gonna do as you asked.

I'm gonna get it together.

Promise, Lucifer.

Look, it's not about me.

What happens now, that's up to you.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Come here, you.

Oh, no, no, no, not yet.

What did you do?

I'm sorry.

"Sorry."

Why did you end her life?

Why else?

Money.

"Money."

Oh, it's times like this I wish I was still in Hell.

All the fun activities I'd have planned for you.

Hey, man, I just pulled the trigger.

Want to hear what I've got so far?

Lieutenant said this is my case.

Yeah, Chloe, it is your case,

but try not to take too much time.

It's an easy one.

That's our bad guy.

Eddie Deacon, he's a low-level drug dealer.

I found these in his pocket,

and I found this in Delilah's purse,

so obviously drug-related.

She probably owed him a bunch of cash or something.

She's not exactly selling out stadiums these days.

How do you know he's low-level?

Look at his car.

Did you look at his watch?

That thing ain't cheap.

It's probably fake.

Look...

there's gonna be a lot of attention on this one, Chloe.

I wouldn't pick at it too hard.