Children Ruin Everything

Ugh!

Morris, for your information, Snoozy's mine!

You're being a burglar. Say burglar.

Viv, Mommy gave Snoozy to Morris to help him

get excited for potty training.

Why do you call yourself Mommy?

I... don't know.

- Did you brush your teeth? - No.

Go on, I asked you three times.

Ugh! (music plays through headphones)

Oh, well, well, well, if it isn't Mr....

- Can I have coffee? - Scruffy head.

Ah! Blew my timing.

- It was not my best. - What are you saying?

Felix, go brush your hair. It looks like you got

- a scalp massage. - I can't hear you.

- Remove the headphones. - Dude, take the headphones off.

Okay, I'm going upstairs now.

He really needs to work on his sarcasm.

I mean, what was that?

: A big part of parenting

is second-guessing your parenting.

: In avoiding your parents' mistakes,

sometimes the pendulum swings too far the other way.

: Right. My parents were hands off,

but maybe I've been too smothering?

: Mm-hmm, my parents were too strict.

And I let the kids call me "stinky daddy".

: Oh, I came up with stinky daddy, so uh, that's on me.

I'm not loving this tween attitude on Felix.

I mean, I'm all for rejecting authority, just not mine.

Yeah. Viv's seeing a psychologist,

Morris won't poop in a bucket.

- Are we screwing things up? - What? No!

We got this. We're good parents.

Hmm. (Morris growls)

Guys, Morris has an egg and a knife.

How did he get the knife?

- I thought we were out of eggs. - (Morris squeals)

- Come here, come here. Oh! - Morris, come here!

James, the knife, get the knife.

Okay, you get the egg.

Did you get to fill out.

Viv's ADHD questionnaire for her session today?

No. I haven't started it.

But there's-there's time.

The ADHD assessment is a complex

and involved process that really wants us

to fill out like, a lot of little circles.

Viv is six. I asked her how she's feeling today,

she said, "Unicorn". What answers is she telling the doctor?

Well, Shauna would know. She's a professional psychologist.

I'm sure she knows what Viv means...

- Shauna. - ...when she says unicorn.

- Oh, Shauna. - It's just a name.

I mean, she overpronounces her words.

Thinking-G, feeling-G.

I don't need to hear the "G" in "ing".

- Okay. - Thank you. All right.

"Forgets what they're doing, never, rarely, often, always."

I mean, who doesn't forget what they're doing?

I forget what I'm doing in the shower sometimes.

You're probably avoiding the children.

But Viv forgets what she's doing often.

See, I would say sometimes. This is it.

How is a questionnaire gonna assess Viv?

We're giving different answers.

Now, I have been doing some reading

- about child behaviour and... - What, wait, when?

Okay. I've been following parenting accounts on Instagram.

I love Instagram. So many good TikToks on there.

Viv has trouble with transitions,

so why don't we support her by giving her a simple

heads up when a transition's coming?

Viv, we're leaving in five minutes!

I can't find my colouring book!

Why don't you stop looking for it in two?

What was I looking for?

Okay, go ahead, put me down for an often.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and do that.

You wanna show me your drawings while we wait?

No. Why do we keep coming here?

Well, sweetie, Shauna is like a doctor

but for your thoughts and feelings.

So, this is just a normal checkup, but for your brain.

When can we get a dog?

Okay, you're not even listening.

Shauna!

I did the drawings I told you about.

Exciting-G! While I was waiting-G for you,

- I got your cocoa, Viv. - Sorry we're late again.

Traffic was stupid.

Ugh, Toronto traffic is maddening-G.

Yeah. Hey um, can I talk to you for a moment?

Uh, so I was just wondering how the evaluation was going?

You know, Viv doesn't really tell us much.

What she does share is sometimes made up,

you know, she's invisible, or she's the president of the driveway, or...

I'm wondering is the information you're getting reliable?

I am getting-G information from a lot of sources, including-G, you.

Have you done your questionnaires?

Yeah, I finished 'em. Sorry they took so long.

- Oh! - They are...

- Okay. - Sorry, that one has coffee on it.

And butter. Can I just ask,

how do you know what's ADHD and what's just like, a kid?

I promise, I know what I'm doing-G.

Oh, so close!

So close. Can that be the last one?

Go for the Kawhi bounce. Check this out.

Is this the dagger? (James groans)

Hey, how come you're so boring today?

I'm just trying to figure out what these Gero benefits get me.

I'll tell you what they do not cover is electrolysis.

And electrolysis is not what I thought it was.

We think Viv might have ADHD. Or I do.

Astrid thinks she's too young to be diagnosed.

When I was a kid, I was diagnosed as gifted.

- Oh. - I wasn't.

- Oh no? You... - The real gifted kids

would bully me in Latin. It was no bueno .

Really did a number on my head. Just be careful.

The building is on fire!

'K, so we should leave then, yeah?

Not literally on fire. But the flames of progress will scorch us.

You know Yennefer from The Witcher?

I... do not.

That kind of fire.

'K, well, speaking of being burned,

I'm trying to figure out these Gero benefits and I was wondering...

This is no time to book a foot massage, James.

Mr. Gero has hired Fintekoäly

to automate checkouts at Gero's Groceries.

- We could be next. - What is Fintekoäly?

They're a tech company from Finland.

- (clicks tongue) - Okay, that checks out.

Gero's wants to replace us with software.

We will fight the rise of machines.

We'll eat at our desks, work through breaks, wear diapers.

- Oh. - We are gonna outsmart

their artificial intelligence.

Get to work, Beth!

- Oof. - Starting to feel

a lot like my gifted days.

- How many days was that? - Like, four.

Man jugglers.

Okay, like some jugglers are impressive because of danger,

like they're juggling axes or fire.

Oh, uh, you don't have to take notes for this, by the way.

Oh, I'm not. I stopped listening

after you said street magicians are important.

Just trying to discredit all of child psychology.

- Is this for work? - Uh, no.

I'll finish my work later, after I start it.

I'm trying to find if this doctor has any bad reviews,

or pharmaceutical ties, or recorded Karen moments.

I've got an update.

I have an address, tax records, and I'm her LinkedIn friend.

I'm really starting to understand this woman.

Okay, I'm looking for some dirt, not to steal her identity.

Oh, she's so good. You'd be surprised

how many times she's catfished me.

- Is it 15? - It's 15!

What have you learned about Shauna?

Illegitimate degree? History of fraud?

Is she always wrong?

She's well liked, respected, and she donates to a donkey rescue.

- Aw. - I know.

But maybe I can find some dirt on her Spotify.

Ooh!

: Sometimes, we need to have like,

a private conversation in front of our children.

: So, we have to speak in a coded language we call Parentuguese.

You guys get it too. End pieces still avail.

So, I understand how somebody could think

they have the thing, but not actually have the thing.

- What thing? - Felix, finish your dinner.

Viv, come on, sit down, please. Sit down and finish your dinner.

I was also thinking about the thing.

Gus' parents let him drink mochaccinos.

That's insane.

So, at first I thought S was BS,

but I did some digging and it turns out

that S knows everything there is to know about the thing.

Now, S does really like the Red Hot Chili Peppers,

but I'm willing to let that one go.

You know, Ennis thought he had a thing

- and he didn't have it. - Huh?

I mean, it's not the same thing, but like, still.

- Can I get a thing? - Can it be a dog?

Viv, back in your seat.

- I asked you twice already. - Ugh.

You know, everyone I work with has some form of the thing.

And they all say that S is the best thing for the thing.

Gus says mochaccinos are lit.

Gus says the cutest things I've ever heard.

- (laughing) - Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Viv, back in your seat. Sit down.

Why doesn't Morris have to sit at the table?

Well, because Morris is in a high chair.