Detective Chinatown (唐人街探案)

I don't think so, do you?

It's only £29.99.

Yeah, but where will you wear it?

You never do anything except go to school or study.

Yeah.

I've got library books that have been out more than me.

Exactly. I mean, why waste your money

on something that will never get worn, darling?

OK, let's go.

I have to pick up your dad's athlete's foot powder.

I'd hate to miss that, but can I meet you at the car?

Alright, but don't be long.

I've only got ten minutes left on the parking.

Excuse me, Miss.

I need to look in your bag.

Why?

Can I look in your bag, please?

We've got a runner, boys.

- Oh! - I'm sorry. Sorry!

Stop!

Rani?

What's going on?

Do you remember what's special about today, sweetie?

- Um, Grampa's coming to stay. - That's right.

Grandpa is funny and charming,

and you're gonna like him very much,

but I do need you to remember one thing while he's here.

I need you to remember that Grandpa

is a lying, thieving, selfish old bastard.

Good luck.

Good luck, bro.

And what is Grandpa?

A lying, thieving, selfish old bastard.

- Who can... - Who can never be trusted.

Good girl.

Safe travels, Frank.

Greetings and felicitations.

Margie, did you change your hair?

Quite possibly, Frank,

in the eight years since I last saw you.

This young buck must be Tom.

Hey dude, what's happening?

Lord, oh, lord, who's this beautiful princess? Mwah!

- Holly. - What a pleasure.

Where are we setting up, please?

Between the hours of 7pm and 6am

you will remain in this residence

and the light will remain green.

If you travel more than two meters from this residence,

the light turns red. Is that clear?

Crystal. What happens if it turns red?

You get a little visit from the police.

Ooh.

I'll show myself out.

Thank you for your service.

Why were you in prison?

- It was a misunderstanding. - Grandpa misunderstood

that you can't forge signatures on checks.

Ooh! Ahh!

What's a check?

Listen, aright? Yep, yep.

I do. Can I speak? Thank you.

I'm asking for two poxy weeks.

- No phones allowed. - What?

Back through the machine. Empty your pockets.

Alright, Captain, slow down.

Just a middle-aged white man.

All I'm carrying are keys and unwanted back fat.

No, listen, no. The Chinese deal is going through.

- No phones allowed! - What?

- No phones allowed. - No phones allowed.

I have to call you back.

- And the bag. - And the bag!

Listen, I'm a businessman from Bristol,

not a jihadi bride.

- Are you wearing a belt? - I am wearing a belt, yes.

I like it when my trousers stay up. That OK?

Thank you. Where am I going, please?

Be careful, darling. Just do whatever they tell...

This way.

Hi there. I'm Greg.

I'm six foot seven inches tall, and no, it's not in proportion.

If it was in proportion, I'd be eight foot three.

Greetings and felicitations.

High pockets! What's tickin', chicken?

Uh, it's finger-licking, chicken.

Good morning, ladies.

Can I just say, you're both looking beautiful.

No, you can't.

He can't tell you that you're beautiful?

We didn't ask him for a verdict on our appearance.

Sorry, but I say it like I find it, ladies.

You're both a right couple of swooners.

Attention! Sit!

Some people...

think that Community Payback is an easy option.

A soft touch.

Newsflash: It ain't.

You will repay your debt to society

by working the number of hours mandated by the court.

My name is Diane Pemberley.

I'm your supervisor.

And I can be a good guy...

or a mean bastard.

- Your choice. - Good guy, please.

- You don't choose. - You said it was our choice.

- It was a figure of speech. - It wasn't entirely clear.

- Are you a trouble-maker? - No, ma'am. Definitely not.

When I call your name, say "here".

- John Halloran. - Here. Shouldn't be.

- Frank Sheldon. - What's the agenda, Brenda?

- Christian Taylor. - Yo.

OK, what are you people not getting? Just say "here".

- Myrna Okeke. - Here in body, not in spirit.

I don't even know what that means.

- Gregory Dillard. - Yeah, that's me.

Can I just apologise for the inappropriate joke earlier

about things being in proportion.

To be honest, it's not even that long.

Although it's quite flat. Like a kipper.

- Just say "here". - Yeah, here. Yeah. Here.

Rani Rekowski.

- Here. - Thank you.

You each have over a hundred hours to serve.

You have been tasked

with restoring this into a community centre

for the local community.

You will work four hours each visit.

Only when I am happy with the work you have done

will I log those four hours.

Take another one.

During clean-up duty,

if you find a deceased animal over ten kilos,

do not touch it.

That is the council's business.

Anything under ten kilos - vermin, cats, a small dog -

that is yours.

- Can we keep it? - No, you may not.

Now, you may be wondering about faeces.

You read my mind.

If you find human faeces, do not touch it.

You may handle other species' faeces.

- Can we keep it? - No, you may not.

You are here for the next four hours, people.

You may begin!

So, why are you here?

Uh, oh, well, I'm here because, uh,

even though I run a successful company making brake pads,

pay my taxes, employ fifty-two people,

we have a criminal justice system

that kowtows to the right-on leftie liberal brigade.

- I'm a right-on leftie liberal. - Are you sure?

Seems like you can't really call yourself a leftie these days

unless you're a disabled transgender vegan

with a nut allergy who makes their own soap.

Are you reading that straight off the Daily Mail website?

Well, they're not wrong about everything.

I'm just saying, you watch yourself.

Nothing the lefties like more than eating their own.

Unless they contain nuts.

You're working too hard.

You think it matters if we clear this crap up or not?

They just want to give us something to do.

I'd slow down if I were you. You might burn yourself out.

Also, you're making me look bad.

What are you in for?

I stole some stuff.

Why would someone proper-smart be stealing stuff?

Who says I'm proper-smart?

Well, I saw your bag, and it said Oxford University.

My mum bought that

when I went to interview at Oxford University.

Did you get in?

Well, yeah, but I'm not proper-smart.

I just have parents

who never bought me a toy that wasn't educational.

Oi, Miss Rekowski.

Less flirting, more exerting.

No, I'm not flirting.

I'm not. I wasn't flirting.

She weren't flirting. I was.

Sorry.

What's wrong?

Hi, Gabby.

Alright, Gabby?

Hi, Gabby.

Nice to see you again.

Whoa! If I was thirty years younger...

You'd still be twice her age.

Thank you.

Did you know on Twitter everyone's been debating

who you were gonna wear today?

Today is about me learning from my mistakes

and people are worrying about what I'm wearing?

That is sick.

Who are you wearing?

It's a Stella McCartney. The Vampire's Wife.

- And shoes are Isabel Marant. - Lovely.

Am I supposed to know who she is?

That's Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe.