Trick 'r Treat

During the spookiest time of the year...

...there are a few guidelines all ghosts and goblins should follow.

Always stay on sidewalks.

Never go to a stranger's house, and never go out alone.

This is a great idea, honey. Really.

It's just magical.

It makes me wish every night was Halloween.

I'm sorry, Em.

- Wait, wait. Not yet. What?

You're supposed to keep it lit. - Why?

Ancient tradition?

Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah.

- Baby, I'm lit and you're lit. - But honey--

But our little friend here? His night's over.

You know, you should be more careful.

There are rules. You might upset someone.

Oh, please. Who?

What?

Inside. Upstairs.

Let's just take all this crap down. It looks like a crime scene.

- I told you I'd do it in the morning. - No, you won't.

You're gonna sleep until noon and then play video games until 4.

And besides, my mom is coming and she'll have an aneurysm if she sees this.

Really?

I'll do it.

Go inside. Put on the tape.

I hate Halloween.

What took you guys so long?

Happy Halloween.

Yeah! Oh, baby!

Henry!

Emma?

Werewolves, zombies and demons of every variety.

They've all descended...

...on the normally sleepy town of Warren Valley, Ohio...

...where the holiday and all of its strange traditions...

...are taken very seriously.

It's only 8:00 and the streets are already packed with costumed visitors...

...some to show off, others to blend in...

...but all to celebrate the magical night of Halloween...

...the one night a year when we can pretend to be the scariest thing we can think of.

I am not wearing this. It's too small.

- My tits keep popping out. That's the idea.

Don't know why we drove here when there are guys in the city.

Fresh meat.

It's what we do every Halloween, Laurie.

Whatever happened to trick-or-treating?

Puberty. Last year we were in Tampa.

And went as sexy nurses.

No, Janet, Tampa was two years ago. I remember because you puked...

...doing a guy in his Pickup-

I ate some bad Mexican, and it was a Jeep.

Last year was San Diego. We dressed as sailors and ended up with sailors.

Yeah, and Maria's sailor was a girl.

So what? She had a nice ass. It all tastes the same to me anyway.

Ladies, there are children out here.

Okay, all of you come out on the count of three. One, two, three.

- Nice. - Right.

- Laurie, come on out. No.

- Open up. No.

Open the door, or we'll huff and we'll puff...

Come on, seriously, open up.

Fine, just don't laugh, okay?

Danielle, I look like I'm 5.

Shut up, you look great.

- It's tradition. Great.

- What does tradition say we do now? - We meet our dates.

Two thirty-three, 30-D.

I mean, $234.33.

Thanks.

You know, this might sound kind of forward, but well, we're just in town...

...for a party tonight, and I was wondering what time you get off work.

Oh. Uh...

In about 20 minutes, actually.

Yeah? You know where Sheep's Meadow is?

Sure, yeah, of course.

All right. So why don't you meet me there in 45?

Okay, I guess.

Don't forget your costume.

That can't be good for your diabetes, Charlie.

Uh...

Don't waste a good lie on this.

It's just candy.

Guess it's a good thing I got more.

Why don't you sit down, stay for a minute?

- Oh, I can't. I have-- - Sit down, Charlie.

Your problem is simple. You always wait for them to come to you.

If you just tried a little harder, you wouldn't be a virgin at 22.

What? Excuse me?

It's practically stapled to your forehead.

Laurie, please, do not listen to them, okay?

The key thing is to just be yourself.

Being myself hasn't gotten me very far.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but I've always wanted my first time to be--

- No, please, don't say it. - Special.

Honey, listen, we've all been there, but you can't hesitate.

Watch.

That's some big equipment you've got there.

- Thank you. - I'm Maria. This is Janet.

- And we have a small problem. - Really?

We've got this great party to go to...

But we don't have any dates.

Here. Help yourself.

It's for the pumpkin, not you. Promise.

All of mine were dull.

Smashing jack-0'-lanterns? Stealing candy?

It's okay. Believe it or not, I was just like you when I was a kid.

Till my dad set me straight, that is.

See, my dad taught me tonight is about respecting the dead...

...because this is the one night that the dead...

...and all sorts of other things roam free and pay us a visit.

Sorry.

All these traditions...

...jack-0'-lanterns, putting on costumes, handing out treats...

...they were started to protect us, but nowadays...

...no one really cares.

Yeah.

I didn't do such a good job, did I?

What do you think?

Hey.

You okay?

You need a root beer?

Oh, wait.

That's right. There's another tradition.

A very important one.

Always check your candy.

Trick or--

Ugh!

Trick or treat!

We know you're in there. We can see you.

Hello! Just a minute!

Wait. No, no. Shh!

Great costume, Mr. Wilkins.

Oy. Uh...

Oh, right, candy.

Thanks.

Principal Wilkins, do you think we might be able to have yourjack-0'-lantern, please?

- You're not gonna smash it, are you? - No, it's a scavenger hunt for UNICEF.

Anything for a good cause.

Happy Halloween.

Yeah. Happy Halloween.

Didn't you get one?

Are you sure about this?

There's gotta be one or two extra guys there.

- I could help you. - Go. I'll meet you there.

Call me if you get into trouble.

You're turning into Mom.

Ouch.

- Just remember to be yourself. - But play hard to get.

Goodbye, Danielle!

Happy Halloween.

Daddy! I'm back from trick-or-treating!

Billy. Shh.

- Please, be quiet. - Why?

Because you'll bother the neighbors.

Now go watch Charlie Brown and I'll be in in a minute.

- Charlie Brown's an asshole! - Billy Wilkins. Language.

Shh, shh, shh.

Wait, hold on.

Come on. There you...

Huh? Mm.

Yeah.

Here you go. Go get it! Shit.

Spite!

Spite! Get your ass in here.

Are you finished crapping or what?

Who the hell is that?

I got an NRA membership in my pocket...

...and a shotgun over the fireplace, so get out--

It's me, Mr. Kreeg.

Steven. Steven Wilkins.

What in God's name are you doing down there, Wilkins? Hiding bodies?

What did you say?

Nothing.

The septic tank is acting up.

- Is that what that smell is? - I'm afraid so.

Then fix it! It stinks like a dead whore out here.

I'm...

trying

Keep your kid out of my yard!

Goddamn freak.

- Happy Halloween. Screw you!

Daddy!

I wanna carve the jack-0'-lantern now, but I need your help with the eyes.

In a minute, Billy.