Top Gear

'Tonight, James falls out of a boat.

'I have a fight with a gear lever.

~ 'And...' ~ Hello.

'Oh, dear. This is a bit embarrassing.'

Hello and welcome to what's left of Top Gear.

And tonight's programme is not, as I'm sure you've guessed,

a normal one.

In fact, what we're going to do is show you two films

that were shot for the last series.

Yes, the second one is tremendous, and that'll be coming up later.

But I want to start with this. It's a Jaguar E-Type.

And thanks to rocketing classic car prices,

it's now worth about 200 grand.

And it's the same story with these two.

The Ferrari Daytona and the Aston Martin DB5.

Around 20 years ago, you'd have been able to buy

either of these for around £80,000.

But today, the Ferrari, £700,000.

The Aston Martin, probably a million.

But there are still some classic cars around

that you can buy for reasonable money.

The question is, should you?

Well, to find out, the producers told me, Richard and Jeremy

to go and buy a classic car apiece

and then turn up with them at an old railway station in Buckinghamshire.

They said we were going to spend a few days

living the classic car experience.

English country lanes, warm brown beer,

and lots of fellow enthusiasts to talk to.

Basically, Jeremy's idea of hell.

'This was the meeting point.

'And I was the first to arrive, in my 1972 MGB GT.'

This is it.

This is the daddy.

Think of a small, classic, British sports car

and you are thinking of this, the MGB GT.

Mechanically, it's not a bad example of what is undoubtedly

Britain's most popular classic car.

'At this point, I was interrupted by the arrival of Captain Cheerful.'

Oh, I say. That is pretty.

~ Why are we doing this? ~ What? What do you mean, why?

Look at it, cos of everything about the day,

the location, old trains, classic cars, tinkering.

Hammond, listen, nobody buys a classic television.

They don't say, "Look, you have to bang it on the top to make the picture work

"and it's in black and white and then you have to stand up to change the channel."

So why would you buy a classic car?

Because, well, look at it.

No, I admit, Fiat 124 Spider. Incredibly pretty.

Designed by the same man who did the Ferrari 275 GTS,

Lancia Fulvia, De Tomaso Pantera.

But it will go wrong all the time.

Yes, that's the point. Then you can stop and fix it yourself.

This is not just a car. It's something to do at the weekends,

it's a project.

The Hoover Dam was a project.

A broken down car is an inconvenience.

It is. And yours will break down even more, cos it's an MGB GT.

Deliciously and delightfully simple. It's...

~ Whoa! ~ What? What, what?

Has there been a knife fight in the back of it?

Look at it. The heritage, the history.

It's... This was the poor man's E-Type.

It's horrid.

'Soon we realised there wasn't an elephant in the room.'

What do you think the elephant will be driving?

Well, it'll be a Triumph.

But I've thought about this, it'll be, I think, a TR7.

Because he won't expect us to expect that.

~ He'll think that'll... ~ Stag.

But that's too obvious.

No. It's a Peugeot. And that's right and proper.

Cos he's old and he never goes faster than one.

He is basically a Peugeot himself. Is it... is it very quiet?

Or has it...

~ Bonjour, mes amis. ~ It's electric!

Why isn't it running?

Oh, I'm just saving petrol.

~ James, why isn't it running? ~ What do you think?

It's extremely pretty.

~ That is a pretty car. ~ Pretty.

~ Peugeot 304 Decapotable S. ~ Cor, I didn't expect...

That means convertible?

~ It does, yes. ~ Decapitated.

Beheaded, yes.

~ Is this you or him? ~ It's mine!

~ Hello, hello. ~ Britain's most popular classic.

Look at it.

~ So that must be yours. ~ Yes. ~ I sort of approve of that.

The only problem is it's the American spec,

it's lived all of its life in California.

Those wheels are all wrong.

I know. They had to raise it because to get the headlights

the American height above the road, they raised the whole car.

And that ruined the ride height and the wheels are, as you say, wrong.

Anyway, let's be positive about it. We've all got cars styled by Pininfarina.

He hasn't.

~ Oh, I have. ~ No. ~ What, this was styled by Pininfarina?

Yeah, the convertible version came out first and a couple of years later Pininfarina turned it into this.

Pininfarina's dog.

'With the classic British weather beckoning,

'we set off for a classic, classic car drive.'

Which way are you going to, oh... Through the gate.

~ Cos this is the S, remember. ~ Go on!

ENGINE RUMBLES

Oh, that sounds mighty.

Here we go!

This is everything I hoped it would be. It's an experience.

I can... feel things that are going on. I'm involved in it.

There are those who say there is no better sound in the motoring world

than the 1.8 litre engine, exactly like that one.

ENGINE REVS WITH A THROATY NOTE

Oh, that does sound brilliant. That's a proper car.

'In the Peugeot, James was upbeat as well.'

This Peugeot, I think you will agree, is charming.

It is interesting.

It's French, it's a bit left-field.

I mean, everything works. Look, I mean,

the windscreen wipers are working.

Um...

Yeah, there's a clock.

'Meanwhile, in the Fiat...'

This car is absolutely horrible.

I mean, the driving position,

they put the steering wheel directly above the pedals,

so to get comfortable, your arms have to be the same length

as your legs. And mine aren't.

Steaming up slightly.

I'll just engage the heater.

Oh.

Heater's not working.

Welcome to 1970s classic motoring.

'And, a few moments later, James made it even more authentic.'

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Hang on, hang on, it's conking. Oh, here it goes.

Don't stop.

Seven minutes and two miles into the journey, he's broken down.

'With the help of a kindly local...'

~ Pushing. ~ Pushing.

~ OK. ~ Pushing.

'.. we got James going again.'

~ Here we go. ~ Dump the clutch, James.

There you go.

Yes, thank you! I can't stop. Now I'm having to leave them.

That's a bit poor, isn't it, but... I'm sure they'll catch up.

We're off again. That's all part of it.

Nice man helped us.

You see, we'd never have met that nice man if it wasn't for our cars.

Is this really your top speed, James?

Uh, pretty much, yeah.

'For once, though, I was quite glad he was holding me up.'

Right. No faster than this, or the wheels will fall off.

These are aftermarket wheels.

They have oval-shaped holes where the nuts go through.

And if you go above say, 50, they just fall off.

'Luckily, before there was a chance for that to happen...'

~ Bloody hell, oh, not again! ~ ENGINE STALLS

'I've gone again, sorry.'

Tell you what, that is coming out of the back of your car.

~ That is.... ~ Oil. ~ This is... this is classic car motoring.

Oh, next Thursday I'll take a day off work,

take the old girl out, get the roof down, Thursday comes, it's raining.

~ Yeah. ~ Well, yeah... ~ And your car breaks down.

~ The rain makes it more interesting. ~ It doesn't. ~ It does.

Standing here on a warm, sunny day would be boring and ordinary.

~ It wouldn't! ~ This is more of a challenge!

'Hammond and I then did another classic car workout.'

Push like hell.

~ Yes, just shut up. ~ We are pushing hard! We are pushing!

~ ENGINE REVS ~ Here we go.

Come on, chaps, let's go.

What an absolutely horrible day.

The Peugeot is getting better. It's responding to sympathetic treatment.

That's the thing you have to remember about old machinery.

~ You have to form a bond with it. ~ ENGINE STALLS

Oh... bollocks!

Don't stop.

'At this point, even Hammond was tiring of the classic car camaraderie.'

We've weighed it up and we've decided

we've helped him enough today, frankly.

HORN TOOTS

James, your car doesn't work.

Hammond, do you think you'll be able to buy an alternator

for a 1970s Peugeot in Burford?

No, no.

A very nice oven glove with a cat on it - yes.

Or some jam in a gingham pot of some sort.

But alternators for 1970s Peugeots - no.

'Later that day, we were all reunited. And the producers said

'we should do what all classic car enthusiasts do after a short drive.

'Go immediately into a garage to do a bit of tinkering.'

METALLIC TAPPING

There you go, my beauty. There you go.

FIREWORKS FIZZ

MUFFLED MUSIC

#.. telling you, be of good cheer

Hold tight.

SNAP! You win again!

Sit back, enjoy the fireworks, and let's bring in the new year.

SCRAPING