Skins

My new friends! Rory's letting me blow his chanter.

You just need to learn to finger it.

- I will remember everything. - I fancy you.

I wanna have sex with you. I can't do it from out here!

Here I come, Cass. I'm coming.

Episode 3 SID

Sid, can you get yourself down here?!

Fuck!

Fucking hell.

You'd better help me here or...!

All right!

All right.

Oh, come on, work, you fucking thing!

Hit the video button.

Sid!

We can talk.

Come on, you ditzy moo, it's the big fucking red button marked "video".

Sid, I need your help!

- For Christ's sake! - Sidney!

Big fucking red button!

There you are!

Hey, sexy!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Cass.

Cass?

What the fuck is a ratchet lock?

Yes, you do, turn on your sodding speakers! Cass.

Sid, what are you...?!

Is it not working?

No.

Sid. For Christ's sake. You made me

buy that frigging Dyson and I can't make the pissing thing...

Oh, that's...

That's...

- ... my girlfriend. - Right.

So, she's in Scotland and...

She doesn't know I can see her.

Right.

Because...

Oh, fuck, no!

Fuck!

Fuck!

- What do you think? - Sex on a stick, so you are.

Thanks, Lachlan.

But the pink one ain't bad either. Eh, no, Rory?

Aye. He's a lucky, lucky gadge, this Sidney.

He's lovely! I'm going to surprise him.

Look at this.

Help ma boab! Nice.

Fucking A.

You think he'll like it?

Jings, you're almost turning me straight here!

Love is in the air! Eh, no, Rory?

I'm feelin' it, man. I'm feelin' it.

It's one of those things, shit happens.

Is that the best you've got, Dad?

- You always get my best, son. - Because she's...

Well, she says she loves me, then she waltzes off to Elgin,

now she's fucking the Scottish rugby team!

No. She's only fucking one of them.

Stop trying to console me. I'm inconsolable, OK?

OK, OK! It's just...

It's just women, you know?

Hang on, are we comparing women here?

I don't know.

Mum left you because you're a total, world championship cretin.

I'm not sure that that's...

Mine's done this cos I'm a gullible soft touch who's

far, far, far too fucking nice for his own good.

There's no comparison, OK?

But you've worked it out then.

Didn't you?

What is this thing?!

Attach the guide nozzle to the flange circulator? What the fuck?!

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Dad...

Your mother'll be here in a minute. We've gotta get this...

We've gotta clear it up. And maybe...

She's not coming back because you tidied the house, Dad.

Yeah? Yeah? Oh, please. Something work.

What time's your Dad arriving?

12.

We can do it if we concentrate.

I thought he hated you.

Who said my dad hates me?

Well, you did, didn't you?

He's not well. We've got a few issues.

Fuck!

We should have started earlier!

We should have started earlier!

Anwar.

How you doing, man?

I'm not too good, as it goes, actually.

Right. I just thought I'd pop round, wonder if you're busy.

In the bedroom department.

Your bedroom, is it currently in use?

My mum's coming to pretend to still be married to my dad for my grandad.

But this won't take long.

What?

This is Sketch.

Yeah, I know who she is. She stalked Maxxie, she got our drama teacher

wrongly fired for sexual abuse and she tried to poison Michelle.

Yes.

Sketch!

I've come to my senses.

She's sorry.

Boy, she's sorry.

Thing is, Sid,

sex hasn't been invented yet round at my place.

Tricky with 2,000 years of religious tradition.

So me and Sketch were wondering if we could...

Come on. My whole family's gonna be here in an hour.

- It won't take long. - It never takes long.

You don't mind do you, Sidney?

I do, actually, you know I...

Oh, whatever.

This is gut, ja?

Oh, yes, Manfred. It's lovely, but I've got to go.

Thanks for the lift.

But you will hurry,

and tonight we will have much more great sex, ja?

Ja.

I mean, yes, yes.

Yikes!

You are liking it like that, huh?

Oh, fucking hell.

I've got to go. I've really, really got to go.

Jesus wept. Does she have to do that?

I mean, what kind of a fucked-up relationship is it

where you have to jump each other every time you say goodbye?

A good one?

Jesus...

Jesus, Je... Bollocks!

- Hi, Sid. - Hi, Mum.

- Mark. - Liz.

You all right, Sid?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You smell of something.

It's just Opium.

You know, perfume.

You hate perfume.

Manfred likes it.

I'm sure Manfred fucking loves it.

I'm sure Manfred loves rolling into Belgium,

rounding up the Jews and sending them to Poland,

but hey, that's Blitzkrieg for you,

and Manfred's gotta have his Opium-scented Lebensraum. Right?

- He can't help being German. - Who can?

Right, perhaps I should go home.

You should come home.

This is gonna be so silly.

Why on earth did you tell your father that we were together again?

After that night, you know, when you stayed...

But that was just...

I mean, you stayed and we... I thought...

You...

You stayed?

It was just one time.

You know how the old bastard loves you.

I never got round to telling him you were just fucking with my head.

Right, that's it. I'm going.

- No! - No!

Liz...

... I can't make the sodding Hoover work.

For Christ sakes.

Sid, load the dishwasher. Have you any cigarettes?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, God.

Godfather. The Godfather Part Two.

Apocalypse Now.

The Conversation...

It's not working.

You gotta get some staying power.

Don't you dare, boyo. I am far, far from satisfied.

OK. Oh... shit.

Oh, fucking hell.

- Hello, Mrs Jenkins. - Hello, Anwar.

This is Sketch.

Nice to meet you.

Sid didn't mention you were back.

Yes, I'm not staying.

Mum, you don't need to... I can tidy my own...

Oh... shit!

Just having a lovely chat with Anwar and his, um, new friend.

How's your mum, Anwar? I must give her a ring some time.

Yeah, yeah, she's fine,

she's fine.

She's fine, yeah, but, you know...

Muslim.

She's been a bit busy Muslim...

She doesn't know I have sex.

Really?

Well...

Anyway...

Make sure you come again soon, Anwar.

Yeah, cheers.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Isn't this nice?

Yeah.