Cavemen

Translated By Original Resync By T7

[music fades into dance track]

we're at the One-Eyed Gypsy one night, right?

We're a little bit ripped.

No, we were hammered.

I was buzzed, he was hammered. Whatever.

We were ready for a little bit of action,

We just came from, uh, 80s night at 107.

We were in a...

Echo and the Bunnymen, do you know that band?

No, what do they sing?

Uh...oh!

[sings tune of song unrecognizably]

How the fuck am I supposed to tell what song that is?

Dude, you know what? Fuck off.

I'm an actor, not a singer. All right?

Anyway. Pete and I decided

we were just going to go for it with the ladies.

Maybe you shouldn't tell this.

It's okay. I love hearing about your past.

You do?

Of course. I love you.

- And I love you. - Hmm.

Anyway.

So we're doing our thing.

Suddenly, I spot these two Indian babes.

Pete later on discovers that the two Indian babes

are actually Indian dudes.

Oh no no, that's a different story.

Andre used to date an Indian babe.

That's right.

Lovely ladies.

Anyway, I'm telling you.

These fucking chicks were hot.

One was hot, one was not.

She was cute.

You are so fucking insensitive.

Would you let him tell the story?

So the one sexy Indian chick and her hairy friend

happen to make eye contact with us from across the bar.

So I look over and I, uh, signal them

to come on over.

And they dance on over you know Kama Sutra, some shit

and the hot one, she's ready to go.

And Pete here--he thinks she's coming over to him.

She sits down next to me.

I'm telling you guys, he's fucking smoking.

you know, starts coming on to me and shit.

Like in what way?

Well she starts saying things like...

You have nice lips.

Is it bad if I want to kiss you in public?

Bad for who? Not for me.

And being the gentleman that I am.

I lean over and I give her these luscious lips.

Pete and the hairy chick, they're just watching us.

Finally, Pete says...

Okay. I gotta get up early for work.

Wha-what do you do?

Uh, I'm a trader.

Ohh, mind if I join you?

Lucky for me,

Pete took one for the team.

You had sex with her?

- Oh yeah. - No. I didn't.

- - I didn't have se--

Remember the brush burn?

Beth! Babe! Wait!

Dude, you're such a douche.

Whoops. Anyway.

So, I lean into the Indian chick.

I'm like, wanna go?

Why not?

So she grabs me, pulls me into the alley.

She says, I want to taste your hard candy.

And I'm like, my what?

Your hard candy.

So I'm like, fuck. Savor the flavor. Taste the rainbow.

She gives me the fucking knob slob right there

in the alley.

After that, we go back to her place,

drag her comforter out, take it up to the roof,

seal the deal right there.

My bare ass exposed to all of downtown.

Quite pretty. I got a nice ass.

Can you use it in your script?

Dean!

Hmm?

I'm giving you fucking gold here.

I'm sorry, man.

Ohh, she's giving you E.

E?

Energy.

It's my new word.

Whatever. She's giving it to you.

No, she's not.

- Andre? - Serious E, kid.

Capital E, kid.

- Hello. - Tess!

- Hey. - Hi, love.

You are looking quite lovely tonight, Tess.

Yeah, okay. Thanks.

Um, what's the situation? Hm?

Well, Dean here was about to go to work.

Would you stop?

Really? Who?

Nothing.

Back?

Oh, blondie?

You know what? The dress is a little slutty, Dean. But...

Dean, she's got talent.

I would, but I already have my lady for the night.

Oh yeah? Who's the lucky girl?

What are you doing?

What's he doing?

He's giving you E.

E?

E.

Oh. Right.

Uh huh.

I don't think so, buddy.

- All right. - Oh.

You save me a dance

and I'm gonna go change this music.

Of course.

Damn, kid.

That was, that was subtle, man.

Hey, I'm in it to win it. Okay?

These people aren't here to play fuckin' Yahtzee.

They're here to get laid.

Look, all this talking is just foreplay. It's bullshit.

Back me up, Andre.

We were just fulfilling our primal needs, like cavemen.

Except for in prehistoric days,

They just exchanged a few grunts and fucked.

So basically, you're saying that the only difference

between us and cavemen is the evolution of language?

Which is ironic because language is that very thing

that usually gets in the way of us getting laid.

Pssh. Where do you come up with this shit?

Little place called the world wide web, my friend.

- Gay porn. - Yeah.

Now. Get out there and take what's yours.

Such an asshole.

And see if she's got a friend.

Two friends.

Here we go. Ah! Ah! Ohh.

Hey! Good job!

We have an announcement.

Oh yeah? What's that?

We are no longer quarreling.

That's a fucking relief.

Why haven't you not called me? It's been two days!

The kid's been busy.

Well, I can find me another man.

Oh, I know you can, baby.

Baby?

Baby.

Oh, baby.

- Aww. Baby. - Baby.

I missed you.

So much.

Okay. Excuse me.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Jesus.

What happened to my dance?

I had to get out of there.

You never dance with me.

I think you'll get over it.

Sara's a crutch, Dean.

Who said I was going to Sara's?

Uh huh. Where are you going then?