Best Laid Plans

OK, another... Charles Eppker.

Charles... Charles is a large fellow.

Played football.

People called him ''Chunky.''

That's right.

He still plays--

back-up center in the Canadian league.

All this remember-when, where-are-they-now shit.

That was college.

Can we please talk about something else?

You know what? I had a thought.

Shit. No.

Yes. Last night I was reading The History

of Twentieth Century America in your honor.

Whose, Manchester's?

No. Big thick text by...

Schlessinger. Halberston.

I'm not going to remember.

Well, authors' names don't really matter

in your trade, anyway, do they?

I work in the English department.

We deal in fiction.

I can tell the little shits any name I like.

Your thought?

Oh, yes. Right. I was reading 1 960s

sexual revolution free love wife-swapping--

sort of like an after-dinner,

free-spirit parlor game.

The husbands used to throw their key chains

onto the table, mix them up,

then the wives would all pick them up blindly.

Buddies fucking each other's wives,

et cetera, et cetera.

Now think when our parents were born.

OK, now, think when we were born.

We could be the offspring of a key chain adultery.

You get it? We may not be our fathers' sons.

Oh, it gives me hope, anyway.

Waitress: Two more 7 and 7 s.

Jesus, another round?

Thank you.

I haven't finished this one yet.

Thank you.

To your first month in Tropico.

Stay hydrated.

Everybody sucks but us.

Man: Oh, I have a joke for you.

There's this elephant in the jungle,

and he's got a thorn caught in his foot.

This mouse wanders by. Elephant stops him

and says, '' Hey, I'll give you anything

if you take the thorn out of my foot.''

Hi. How'd it go?

Man: Nick, I--I-- Nick, can you do me a favor?

Bryce?

Can you come over here? Yeah, it's me.

I know it's late, but I need you to--

Yeah. No. I was expecting--

Well, it-- it's me. I got a problem over here.

I got-- I got a serious--

OK. Can it wait? Because it's after--

Can't wait. I need a friend to talk to.

Look, I'm in big fucking shit!

OK.

Please. Please, Nick.

OK.

Thanks, buddy. Bye.

Bye.

How'd this happen?

Ah, brush fire season.

The slightest thing will spark one of these off.

You want to take a left here and proceed slowly

up towards the right, all right? Drive safe.

Thanks.

Oh, shit.

Morning.

Hey.

Jesus, you look like I feel.

Well, I feel like it, too.

You want a beer?

All I've got is domestic shit.

That'll be fine.

Thanks.

These people you're sitting for, they keep a lovely home.

So, you want to tell me why I'm here?

I got laid tonight.

How wonderful for you.

No.

I didn't bring you here at 2:00 a.m.

for bragging rights, OK? Because if I tell you this,

you got to make sure

you're not going to tell anybody,

that it stays between us. OK, Nick? OK?

The girl that we met at the bar?

- Katie? - No. Kathy.

Oh, boy. What happened?

You left. She and I-- we talked for a while.

You know, she bought me a round.

And then she asked if I wanted to leave,

and so we came here.

So we starting making out. She initiated it.

She did this funny thing with her hand.

And she was kissing me, like squeezing my jaw.

Bryce, broad strokes. Broad strokes.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's like I blinked, and we were naked.

And then I, uh... We did it.

Yeah?

Afterwards, she went to the bathroom.

Couple minutes, came out,

asked if I had any vitamin C.

- What? - Yeah.

So I went upstairs, and I found some,

and I came back down.

And she had called a cab

and said she was going home,

and that when she got there,

she was going to call the police

and file rape charges against me.

She says I raped her, Nick.

Bryce, is there any truth to this?

No. I'm sorry

because I haven't seen you since college

and suddenly I lay all this shit on you.

Is there any truth to what she's saying?

I don't-- I don't think so.

You don't think so, or you know so?

Listen, I was pretty drunk,

and I can't fucking remember

if she tried to stop anything.

But she says she did.

Are you just hazy on this, or were you--

No. It's a mix.

I was in and out during the act.

I don't remember!

Well, you don't seem very drunk right now.

Well, a chick accusing you of rape

will sober you up just like that.

Jesus.

I don't know. Maybe--

Maybe she won't go through with it.

Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you, Bryce.

Sit tight, for Christ's sake.

Whatever you do, don't tell anyone about this--

not now, not ever.

What?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, Nick, I really fucked up!

Bryce?

You know, Nick, can you talk to her?

Just tell her it was an accident.

Fuck! I hate to lay this shit on you.

Hey. Hey. Shh. Calm down, OK?

Hey. The girl is gone.

There's nothing we can do. OK?

No.

Come on, Bryce.

No! She's not gone!

She's downstairs!

God. She's downstairs.

This is going to look worse than it is.

See, after she said what she said, after

what she was going to do, I--

See, Nick, I didn't hit her.

All I did was grab her and drag her,

and then, coming down the stairs, she fell...

Where are the lights?

Over on the wall.

What the fuck are you doing?

I, um, well, uh, I need to think through this.

Not what are you thinking,

what the fuck are you doing?

How long has she been down here?

I'm not sure

because my sense of time is all fucked up.

Guess.

Um, I dragged her down, and I tried to talk to her,

and I called you. Maybe half an hour?

You didn't touch her after that?

No, Nick, I swear I didn't touch her.

Bryce: Nick--

No!Just--Just hold on a minute. Um...

But, Nick--

Oh, fuck!

Nick, come on. It's not my place.

Goddamn it, Bryce.

Look, I'm sorry, Nick. When she said

that she was going to call the cops,

I tried to stop her to find out what happened,

and she kept going for the door,

and I just lost it.

Nick, I swear to God,

I didn't touch her after that.

It's OK. It's OK.

Where'd you get these?

Upstairs. I found them in the parents' bedroom.

You have the key?

The key? Why?

I'm going to take them off.

Uh-huh. And then what?