Yes, God, Yes

Mark, I see belt loops and no belt.

Oh, oh, oh... No.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Miss O'Donnell.

Just as I suspected:

Over two-and-a-half inches above the knee.

Dean's Office. Now!

- Morning, Mrs. Veda. - Alice.

School mass today at 2:00.

Why don't you be gift bearer again?

Sure.

Hmm.

OK, it's like this, guys are like microwave ovens.

And ladies are like conventional ovens.

Guys only need a few seconds, you know, like a microwave,

to get... switched on.

While ladies, they typically need to...

preheat for a while.

But God created sex with boundaries

and for a purpose.

Does anyone wanna take a stab at what the boundary is?

Yes, Wade?

- Marriage. - Very good.

And does anybody know the purpose?

- To have children. - Perfecto.

When a man and a woman receive the sacrament of matrimony,

God calls on them to create children in his image.

Any sex outside of one man, one woman, one marriage

is against God's plan.

Um, what about sex with yourself?

Can you create children from sex with yourself?

- No. - Right, so?

- It's against God's plan. - Exactly.

So, is that what the Bible means by "spilling your seed"?

Is it spilling if you catch it?

All right, all right.

We are called on to be chaste until we are married.

And that means no sex... With yourself or anyone else...

Until you stand at that altar and you say "I do"

or else it is damnation for all eternity.

And remember...

God is always watching.

Capiche?

They gave us Baby Think-It-Over in Christian Lifestyles.

I'm not even having sex, they should just give them to the slutty girls.

Oh, have you had to watch the partial-birth abortion video yet?

- It's really awful. - No, no! Don't ruin it for me.

How was Morality?

It was fine.

Did you know that masturbating is a sin?

Ew. Of course. Why?

I was just wondering.

Making me rewind Titanic back to the car scene twice

is probably also a sin,

just in case you were wondering that next.

Look, I only asked you to do that

because I couldn't hear what Kate whispered to Leo.

- When he said, "Where to, Miss?" - Mm-hmm.

Which just happens to be right before they make out

and steam up that car window that Kate slaps her hand on.

I didn't write it!

Hey! Hi, Gus.

Sit, Gus.

Sit.

Welcome!

OK. Here we go!

Damn it!

Titanic!

Yes!

You've got mail.

Mom?

Wet?

Uh...

Underwear?

Ohh.

What?

Alice!

Dinner!

- I confess to almighty God... - Almighty God...

and to you, my brothers and sisters,

that I have sinned through my own fault,

in my thoughts and in my words,

in what I have done and in what I have failed to do...

The Millers invited us over to watch the game.

Great, I'll make my cheesy potatoes.

Oh, Damn it, Ron.

Now I'm all wet!

Calm down, Gail, you're not that wet.

So, uh, Alice, I heard you got on Wade Friday night.

Stephanie told me she walked in on you guys in my sauna.

Ooh! Gettin' steamy in the sauna!

No, we were just back there getting some drinks.

We were only gone for like a minute!

Yeah, that's long enough for Wade.

I was just messin'.

Listen.

You don't have to put out just because you like a boy.

I don't like him.

And now, for the Bible passages that back all this up...

We're gonna start with Galatians.

Heather, why don't you start us off?

The acts of the flesh are obvious:

Sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery...

OK, so, I just bought this Blink 182 CD

from Sam Goody, right?

Um, I upload them to my computer

and then I just put 'em on here.

Easy as pie.

The album's amazing, by the way.

It's called Enema of the State.

Get it?

I bet you know all about enemas, don't you?

Can you not talk about enemas near my baby, please?

Yeah, I'm gonna...

Thank you.

Such a perv.

What's an enema?

It's when you fall water skiing

and water shoots up your butt.

Well, look who it is.

Where were you this weekend?

You didn't come to my party.

Yeah, I heard things got pretty crazy.

Everyone's been talking about you and Wade.

- Oh? - Yeah.

They're saying you tossed his salad.

- What? - Gross!

You tossed his salad in my sauna?

What? No! No! Who, who said that?

Some girl in my Geometry class was telling a bunch of us.

Heather's really pissed too.

She just gave Wade a promise bracelet.

OK.

I mean, I've never even heard of dressing someone's salad! So...

The party was really fun.

Why didn't you come?

I was on a retreat.

Oh! Like a spa?

No, a retreat ran by the school.

It's called Kirkos and I got this necklace on it. See?

Cool. What'd you do there?

We're not allowed to talk about it with anyone who hasn't been.

But it totally changed my life.

Coming, Beth?

Yeah. I gotta go.

You guys should sign up for the next one.

I think it'd be good for you.

Since when does Beth eat lunch with Nina and those girls?

I have to go on that retreat.

Do you think she thinks that I actually

tasted Wade's salad or whatever?

I don't know.

Beth's such a moron.

I never have any clue what's she's talking about

so she probably made it up.

I'm gonna go get more milk.

Oh. Hey, Heather. Hey, Wade.

Can't have pudding without milk!

She's disgusting.

I think I'm going to ask Heather

to bear the gifts with Jacob today.

Alice, if you want to continue to be a gift bearer,

you have to conduct yourself like one.

Your body is a gift from God.

You need to honor it.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Um, bless me Father for I have sinned.

It has been a week since my last confession.

These are my sins...

Talking back to my dad...

Not helping my mom in the kitchen...

Forgetting to feed the dog...

And...

And anything else?

That's it.

For penance,

why don't you do the dishes for a week?

Give your mom a break.

And ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers.

God, the Father of mercies,

through the death and resurrection of his Son,

has reconciled the world to itself

and sent the Holy Spirit among us

for the forgiveness of sins...

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us of our trespasses,

as we forgive those that trespass against us...

Your body is a gift from God.

It's against God's plan.

You need to honor it.

Or else it is damnation for all eternity.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

It's called Kirkos.

I think it'd be good for you.

Are we there?

I can't do this.