Psychoville

How fitting that you should all return to the scene of your crime.

You are responsible for the death of Edwina Kenchington.

Nurse Kenchington. Give it to me!

One of you has my locket. But, Mummy!

You're alive.

Give me my locket! I need it, you lunatics.

Mummy!

Shit.

I ordered Mr Jolly, J-O-L-L-Y.

You've sent me Jelly, J-E-L-L-Y...

No, I'm Mr Jelly, I'm not dead, I'm alive!

For fu...

I don't believe it!

Y something B, sweet potato?

Sorry, ma'am? 15 across, Y something B, sweet potato.

Ah, That'll be a yam, ma'am.

Yam? Yes, ma'am.

Y-A-M? Yes, ma'am.

So "agricultural term" isn't "arable". Shit.

Do you have any news for me, Kelvin?

Yes, we have all eyes on the Ravenhill patients

and our operatives are awaiting your instructions. Have you located the dwarf?

Not at present, ma'am, no.

Mr Jelly is attending the funeral of Dr Strachen aka Mr Jolly,

and we believe Oscar Lomax and Michael Fry to be en route.

And this is in? Manchester.

Mm-hmm. And the Aston woman?

Oh, yes. At home in Bristol.

Our intel seems to suggest that the husband is in the process of moving out.

Well, I don't like all this.

Sorry, ma'am?

All these bits of paper everywhere.

I want to be like Judi Dench, doing this with things on a screen...

We can do that, can't we?

We can certainly look into it for you, ma'am. Yes.

Good, because this is all too random.

I want to feel like I'm in Minority Report, not a village post office.

Very good, ma'am. Keep up the surveillance, 24 hours.

One of these characters is going to lead us to our item, and we don't want to miss it when they do.

No loose ends, remember, Kelvin?

No loose ends.

You made it then?

Yeah, we had to get the train

cos I'm not allowed to drive yet, isn't that right, Mr Lomax? Eh?

I said I'm not allowed to drive.

Quarter past five, already?

Thought I was a bit peckish.

Still no better then? No.

They said it could take weeks.

Both the eardrums were... What is it?

Perforated. No, it's just Mellow Bird's. Want some?

No, you're all right, thanks.

Suit yourself.

'I hope you're hungry! I've got a big bowl here. It's your favourite!'

Mashed swede.

Here we are, my angel.

Here comes the train, and the train goes into the tunnel... Choo-choo!

Choo-choo.

There, there.

All packed up, George? Yes.

I just came to leave the keys.

How's Jennifer? Jennifer?

Oh, yes! She's very well, thank you.

Aren't you, my lovely little... girl?

Good.

So you'll be going to stay with Nicola then, I expect?

No. No, she died, Joy.

Oh, dear.

As you know she lost a lot of blood in the explosion...

Oh, Yes, that's right, she did.

So they brought her back here for a full transfusion.

Seven pints.

But the blood was contaminated.

It should have been AB positive, but when they tested it...

it was Ribena. Vimto.

Sorry? Nothing.

Still, no point crying over spilt milk.

Nope.

Goodbye, Joy.

Oh, Well, looks like it's just me again, my little Freddie Fruitcake!

Her name is Jennifer. I know.

Her family will be over soon,

and they'll be taking Jennifer back home with them, I expect.

Yes, well. We'll see about that.

In the meantime I'm going to give her the best care a mother can, aren't I, my lovely little Fre...

Jennifer?

Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie...

Gentlemen...

Come to make sure that your assailant is safely ensconced in his grave? Yeah, something like that.

We've just had confirmation that Jolly's mother died this morning.

Edwina Kenchington? I still don't believe that's a proper name.

As we weren't able to interview her, I wanted to ask you once again if you can recall anything

she said that could explain her actions that night? No, it was ridiculous.

Jolly did his big speech about revenge for someone killing his mother,

then out of nowhere she bursts in, babbling on about a locket or summat!

He didn't even know she was alive! We said this, didn't we?

Why did she wait two years to come back and tell him she wasn't dead? I'm sorry, it was a pathetic ending.

Keep your voice down, Jelly!

Apparently that pig's been sniffing round again!

He's already here, Mr Lomax.

Eh? The pig... He's here.

Oh. Well, we don't know anything about anything.

You said she was babbling about what, a locket? Yeah. No!

No.

Just... What?

Her pocket.

She was going on about a clown's pocket.

It's slang for big vagina.

Yeah.

Like a wizard's sleeve.

A yawning donkey.

Maybe she was just showing off.

Maybe.

Well, I shan't trouble you any longer.

If anything else occurs to you, you've got my numbers.

I'll be in touch.

What was all that about? Listen, I've been doing some digging, yeah.

Apparently Kenchington had been scamming money

out of the hospital for years, building herself a little nest-egg... That's why she went missing.

Waiting for the heat to die down, then come back and get the dosh.

So what's in that locket? Like a key, or a map, or summat?!

I don't know. I just think we should keep what we know to ourselves. See where it leads.

Tea Leaf, you're such an idiot...

you've put my bloody phone in my lunchbox!

See you later.

See you.

Hello, this is Brook Street Library, just ringing to let you know

that The Other Side Of Truth by Beverley Naidoo

has been returned to us and I've popped it behind the desk for you. Thank you very much.

Oh, excuse me.

I think we're a book missing. Sorry?

Well, I have The Secret and Peter Ackroyd's London, but we're missing

50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume Two.

Which one, sorry? 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles, Volume Two.

Yes! I got it out for my mother, actually, it must be somewhere in the house.

Can I have a look for it and bring it in tomorrow?

You can... but as of 4pm today the book will be overdue,

and that will incur you a 5p fine for every day that it's left unreturned.

OK, well, I'm sure I can find it...

I'll get it to you by the end of the week. Today, tomorrow or Friday?

No, it won't be today.

Tomorrow or Friday, but you do have the book, it's in the house, and you can get it to us by Friday, latest.

Well, whenever. No, not whenever.

Tomorrow or Friday.

Yes.

Do you know which? Cos I'm not in on Fridays.

I'm not sure, to be honest with you. What difference does it make?

5p.

All right.

And what happens if I can't find the book?

What, ever?

Yes, I've lost it, say. I get home have a look around...

It's gone. What then?

Well, then we'd have to charge you for the price of a replacement which is £5,

plus the outstanding fine of 15p, which would come to a total of...

£5.15. £5.15.

OK, thank you.

But hopefully that won't...

'And what happens if I can't find it?'

'I've lost it. Get home, have a look around and find it's gone. What then?'

Not now, Silent Singer.

Jelly, isn't it?

No, I think it's a trifle. No, I mean your clown name. Mr Jelly.

Yeah.

You're the first person to get that right in about ten years. We haven't met.

Arthur Chadwick, clown name Chuckles. I'm chairman of Focky.

Whatty? FOCCE.

Federation of Clowns and Children's Entertainers.

I don't think we've got you down as a member.

No, I've got all the forms but...

I can never...

find a pen in me house.

You should join, because we're a good union

and we do a lot of work with disabled clowns such as yourself. What other ones are there? Willy Wheels.

He's got Cornwall covered. There's a young clown just joined, Dumplings. He's got Down's Syndrome...

Right. Well, I'll have a think about it. Listen...

I know you and Stuart didn't get on too well in the latter years...

Stuart? Oh, you mean Jolly. Well, you know he stole my act?

Those allegations have been well documented.

Now, listen, what I am trying to say is,

that we've got these personal effects of Stuart's that we need to bequeath

and we thought you might be interested in them. Oh, right.

So finally, I get all my old tricks back! Eh, not all of them, no.

The big-box stuff has been auctioned off for Cairoli Foundation,

looking after old and retired entertainers.

I'll be eligible for that meself next year.

Time to hang up the nose, eh?

Well, I can see why you call yourself Chuckles! I was enjoying this funeral till you turned up!

And yeah, I'll gladly dispose of that lot for you... in the bin.

Smart ass.

David, leave Mrs Barron's things alone,

her husband'll be here in a minute.

When did she die? Last night.

It was like a disco in here with that machine going off,

I've not slept a wink. Come on then, what've you brought me?

Oh, David, how many times do I have to tell you? I said grapes!

I forgot. What am I meant to do with all these?

You know I don't like things with pips, they remind me of little teeth!

Sorry.

She's got some bananas...