Mind Your Language

''Principal's office''

Enter

Excusing me please lady

Yes, what is it?

l am coming to be learning the English

You're early - No, l am Ali

l beg your pardon?

My name is Ali. Ali Nadim

l am coming to be learning the English

Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class

English as a Foreign Language - Yes please

l am hopping to be unrolled

Hopping to be unrolled?!

Like it say in your sillybus

You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what l say-hopping to be unrolled

l'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives

She should be here in a few minutes

Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom

Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five

Understand? - No

l'll start again

Go down the corridor - Down the corridor

Good

Turn left - Turn left

Right

You are confusing me

Left or right? - Left

Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five!

l am understanding you now! Room five - Yes

Thank you

Oh dear, l am not going where l am looking

No, no! l wasn't looking where l was going

That makes the two of us! Excuse me sir

Enter

Mrs Courtney - Miss

Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon

You're a man - Yes

This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all

l assure you my credentials are impeccable

Academically perhaps, but l'm talking about sex

l also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too

l'm referring to the fact that you are a man

l distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher

Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton

Mr. Warburton? - Yes

He was teaching English to foreign students last term

l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed

Dead? - Demented

Yes, the strain was too much for him

Typical of the male sex! No stamina

He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped

- lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do?

Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof

Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked

Singing ''l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts''

How distressing! Still you musn't worry on my account

l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window

l know you aren't

- Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence

We've had the window frames nailed down

How very thoughtful! Well, l would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney

Miss - Miss Courtney

l am qualified and l do need ajob! What with the economic situation and inflation and...

Alright, there's no need to whimper!

You can start immediately - Thank you

On a month's trial - Thank you

lf you last that long - l'll do my best

Where will l find my students?

- Room five down the corridor and turn left - Right

l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well

Good evening

Good evening

Quiet please!

Silence

l am pleased to meet you all

We are also pleasing to be meeting you

l am Brown - Oh, no

You are committing a mistake - Mistake?

Yes, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white

My name is Brown! l'm your teacher

Ah, you Proffessori - Yes

Silenzio

Thank you

Would you all like to sit down! Sit down!

ln fact, l'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations

Por favore Senor - Yes

Es la primera ves que vengo

Es esta la clase para aprender ingles?

Well, l haven't the faintest idea what you're saying

But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class

Por favore - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat!

Por favore - Sit down

Ah, si

No, not there - Por favore

Over there

Right! l'll just go round the class and take your names

Yes, what is your name?

Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious

Yes, l'll just put you down as Max

- l take it you're Greek? - ls right! From Athens

And what is yourjob? - l walk with sheeps

You walk with sheeps?

- A shepherd! You work on a farm - No, no, no! Not farm

- But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps. Big sheeps

Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers

Tonkers! Ah, tankers - ls right

l walk in office - Thank you

And your name? - Anna Schmidt! Jairman au pair

- Ah, the usual German efficiency - Jairmans are always efficient

Not so

Japanes much more efficient

Nein, Jairmans are zer best

Japanes make much better terevision and camelas

Please, please, let's have no racialism

ln this class, all are equal

Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian

- What do you work? - l work inna Ristorante dei Populi

A waiter? - No, not a waiter. A cookada

- A cookada? - l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne

l cookada everything

A chef

Your name?

What is your name?

Me, Jeremy Brown! You?

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You?

Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good

No good! l need your name in English

No good! - No good!

Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife

Thank you

And your name? - l'm Ali Nadim! From Lahor

l am working at the moment not anywhere at all

You are unemployed? - Yes please

Only one day a week, l am working

And what do you do then?

l am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money

Cor blimey! l get more money for not be working than when l'm working

And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?

l worked at the Taj Mahal

ln Delhi? - No, Putney

The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant

Very good chapatti and popadom

A thousand apologies for my lateness

The omnibus was going backwards

l'm sure there must be a more logical explanation

lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus

And l complied, but it went in a backward direction

l think you meant it was going the other way

That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies

lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman

l cannot sit there! lt is impossible

Why is it impossible?

l am Sikh - Oh dear

l hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?

l do not comprehend the gist of your conversation

You said you were sick

- How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - l treat them like my brothers

Good, go and sit next to Giovanni

Barbarian - lnfidel

Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war

What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh

And from which country? - Punjab