Modern Family

Traditional "first day of school" pancakes.

- Whipped-cream smile? - Dad, I'm in High School now.

Just put it in my mouth.

Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.

Hey, save some of that bossing people around

for the office, lady.

After a 20-year vacation,

Claire is rejoining the work force.

Not a vacation.

But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company.

He's kind of grooming me to take over.

I have a background in marketing.

I'm so proud of her.

Oh, uh, speaking of marketing -- we're out of milk.

I'm actually kind of nervous.

You're gonna be great.

And remember, if you get into a jam,

just do the impression I taught you.

Hey. You can hang your clothes in me.

Christopher walk-in closet.

I'm not doing that.

Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa.

It's not even a real job.

It's like that summer when I worked for dad.

He was just trying to make me feel good about myself.

He didn't really need my help.

That's not true.

I needed your help distributing all those fliers.

And I did. Wink, wink.

How are you already doing homework?

It's junior year. I have to get good grades.

Don't you know how competitive it is out there?

Stop pressuring me!

You know, this is what happens to kids

when they're not sexually active.

Don't you have some studying to do?

Please, it's community college.

They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Hello.

Yes, this is he -- him -- me.

Right the first time.

I'll be right there.

Mitchell, that was it.

That was the call. I'm going in.

Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher

has been eliminated,

so I've been working as a high-school sub.

Ka-ching!

I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action.

I'm kind of like Batman.

But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.

Yeah, you found the one difference.

I hate to miss her first day,

but do you mind taking Lily to school?

Oh, Cam, today?

I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie.

I only get him for an hour

between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.

Okay, you need to confront him.

And tell him his pathetic little midlife crisis

is making it impossible for you to do your job.

Because he responds so well to criticism.

No, he'll fire me, and then we'll end up

having to get married in your family's barn.

Oh, well, we need to book that soon.

Because spring is hoedown season,

and then you get right into summer stock, so...

I don't believe any of that.

All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry.

Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.

Hey, I've been dressed for an hour.

Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.

Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

Buddy, I know a new school can be scary,

so a little advice --

every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment.

Hey.

Like, um, "I love your hair."

"Awesome kicks." "You have a beautiful smile."

Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over there

that he's got a beautiful smile.

Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.

Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way in?

What?

- I've got it from here. - Oh.

Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a --

Off you go. Alex!

Hey.

Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet?

Are you nervous because of your first day in High School?

Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.

Oh, my God, what did you see?!

Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now.

I'm sophisticated.

And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?

If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.

Ay, I cannot believe

that my little baby's going to the High School.

- Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me. - Ohh.

It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.

Go!

- Hey, Gloria. - Hi, Phil.

First day of High School, huh?

Is Manny excited?

Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing.

Oh. Ay, but he does that, too, when he's depressed,

so now I don't know.

How was Luke?

Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying goodbye.

But, um, anyway, I think I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.

- Can I go with you? - Yeah.

Dude, I'm kind of working something here.

How many trucks would that take?

Uh-huh. Give me a minute, Fred.

New girl just walked in.

That's disgusting. She's my daughter.

Sweetheart, you look terrific.

Are you sure?

'Cause I have another blouse in -- in here.

It's the only thing in here, that and a pair of glasses.

In case I need to read something or look smarter.

Relax.

- It's your first day. - Mm-hmm.

Impossible to blow it. What are those?

Oh, cookies -- I made them for the office.

Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds

I got a situation here. Put the cookies down.

- Why? - You're management.

Makes you look desperate.

Makes you look like you want everyone to like you.

I do want everyone to like me.

You want everyone to respect you.

You got to be tough. Keep your distance.

Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.

Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.

Look at you, my big first-grader.

All right, I want you to make so many friends

and have so much fun.

Got to go! I can't wait to learn!

- Be careful! - What?

Nothing.

Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking good.

Uh, uh, Principal Brown?

Yes. Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker.

I was called in to sub today.

Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.

- Hello. - She has come down with a sudden case of rehab.

- Oh. - So do a good job

'cause this could be a permanent position.

Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest.

Because I'm about to "be-dazzling" you.

I don't know what that means, but okay.

So, what am I teaching?

A.P. History.

Oh.

I desperately wanted that job.

There was just one problem --

I don't know much about history.

Hmm. Do you know much biology?

Not now, Mitchell.

What about your science book or the French you took?

You're lucky I love you.

And I know that if you love me, too...

- I really was in a jam, though. - Yeah.

My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers

by being a cold, distant authority figure.

Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this --

why didn't I listen to him?

Hey.

Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire.

It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.

- Oh. Hey.- Hi. - Amazing.

You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.

I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.

I'm -- I'm so sorry.

I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like...

Anyway, um...

My door's always open... to everyone.

That's Pritchett's daughter.

Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that.

I'm -- I'm a friend. I'm a colleague.

I'm just like you.

I'm Claire, you know -- worker bee, just...

Great to meet you.

Sorry to interrupt, and see you around.

I do -- I got to do this one.

Who am I?

You can hang your clothes in me.

Christopher walk-in closet.

What is this?

Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're shooting a commercial.

So annoying.

Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.

Actually, we're short a couple of extras.

How would you two like to be in it?

- Yes! - That sounds amazing.

Hey, um, I see a couple of old people.

This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it?

'Cause if it gets too descriptive,

I'm gonna squirm.