Psychoville

This is the left kidney. Goes in here when you're done.

You've still got a few tricks up your sleeve, haven't you, Jolly?

I've had a call from the man at the Home Office who is processing your visa.

He's suspicious about our wedding. Should I convert you?

Husbands sleep with their wives, Shahrouz.

I have a great aunt, who's left me some money in her will.

You want me to murder her? You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

My mum's not well.

I don't want her to suffer any more. Who are you?

Where is 50 Great Coastal Walks of the British Isles Volume Two?

Please! Aaargh!

Hello, it's Peter Bishop from Hoiti Toyti's.

We need to talk.

This is a treat.

What is it?

Breakfast smoothie. Saw it on Jamie Oliver's.

Are you sure it shouldn't be blended?

Don't know. It's good for your poo.

That's Gillian McKeith.

So, where you going today?

Madagascar.

Madagascar? Why?

See some friends. Hah! You haven't got any friends.

Yes, I have. Bobby.

Bobby's not your friend, he's the postman.

What's going on, David? Why are you lying to me? I'm not!

I'm going to Madagascar to have lunch with a friend. I'll see you tonight.

Yeah. Go on, leave me then.

I'll try and stay alive till you get back. Yeah. Bye-bye, then. Bye.

Fetch me a fork, I want to mush up this smoothie!

Hello, Mr Yakamoto?

Can you hear me? It's a very bad line.

Yes, it's an original Simpsons chess set.

Oh, yes, it's in excellent condition, except one of the Marges has a chip in her hair.

No, no, not a potato chip!

Can you hear me?

Oh, he's gone.

He was just starting to nibble as well.

I'm sorry,

I only know you as Tealeaf.

What's your real name? Michael.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Oscar was a very good customer of mine, and one I was proud to call a friend.

Thanks.

You said you wanted to see me?

Yes, it's about Oscar.

I don't think it was suicide.

Follow me.

Now, I have something down here I want to show you,

but you mustn't be frightened.

No, you're all right, bruv. I'm not into all that.

This way.

It's not a room full of beanie toys, is it?

Not quite.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Chloe, breakfast's ready. What are you doing, darling?

Looking for a book. One of your schoolbooks? No, it's from the library.

Well, leave it now and come and have breakfast.

I can't! The man said the Jabberwocky would get me. What man?

The man in my room.

What?

Mum, take Lucy out for her walk, will you? I need to talk to Chloe. Yes, all right.

Come here, darling.

Now... slowly...

tell me what happened.

Hoiti Toyti's is just a front.

Yes, some of the collectibles turn in a decent profit, but it's pin money compared to this.

I'm not proud of it, but this stuff makes me thousands.

And people buy this shit? You'd be surprised. Judges, teachers,

a lollipop lady who just likes the flags.

We have our own secure website - Naz-eBay.

I've even traded with one or two celebrities.

And was Mr Lomax into all this? No, he'd have never approved. Then why are you showing me?

Have you ever heard of Operation Paperclip?

Yeah, it's that game where you have to take the bones out without touching the sides.

No, that's just Operation, MB Games.

Oh, I've got one upstairs actually, but the box is slightly hazed.

Operation Paperclip was a codename given to a secret project

to recruit German scientists after the Second World War.

Now, Nazi doctors were excluded, but a lot of them had

their records bleached and the government turned a blind eye.

This man here...

Oh!

Angel, Islington - I've been looking for that.

This man here, Dr Friedrich Ehrlichmann,

was a brilliant neurosurgeon who studied under Josef Mengele.

He should have been tried for war crimes, but instead he was brought

over to England and allowed to continue his work.

He was put in charge of a psychiatric hospital,

and his patients there were his guinea pigs.

What, and that hospital was...?

Yes. Ravenhill.

He was even allowed to bring his only child.

Edwina.

What... What time is it?

It's ten o'clock. I'd better get to work.

Um, I've made you a coffee. It's Moroccan. It's strong, but I love it.

I too must go to work.

I have morning shift.

No, you can't leave, Shahrouz.

I must or they fire me.

No, I mean you literally can't leave. I've chained your leg to the radiator.

What?! What?!

Now, let me explain to you why I had to do that.

You see that woman down there? She's been spying on us all morning.

She's from the Home Office. She's got a camera in her hat,

I've seen it flashing. She's trying to catch us out. But why can I not leave the house?

Because she'll talk to you, Shahrouz, and she'll bamboozle you into admitting things.

You're better off staying here till she goes.

Now, I've given you enough length to get to the toilet,

and I've put some cold meats on the cabinet.

There's ham, pork and pickles.

I cannot eat these!

You're going to have to have crackers, then, Shahrouz. I can't think of everything!

Look, I'll be back at nine o'clock tonight and I'll bring us a curry.

OK? But the chain is... Oh, fuck me sideways, she's looking.

Erm, quickly! Come and give me a kiss.

She's not going to believe that, Shahrouz.

Do it like you mean it.

A real long one.

Yeah, I think we got away with that.

But she's leaving.

And look who's taking over. Oh, my God, there's two of them.

Look me in the eye, tell me you love me and you'll be waiting for me.

But... They can lip-read, Shahrouz, they're not daft. Do it!

I love you.

I will be waiting for you

when you get back.

That's it.

You see, they're going now.

Well done.

We make a good team, don't we?

I'll see you later.

Oh. Your clothes are downstairs in the wash,

but don't worry, you're not going to need them.

Bye!

Husband!

So, you didn't know Mr Lomax was a patient at Ravenhill?

No, I just thought he was off doing the International Toy Fair.

I never made the connection till I read it in the newspaper this morning.

So, I decided to "Gooble" it, and I got some very interesting hits.

Do you call them hits?

Oh, it's, erm...

All right... Now, look, see.

Bristol Evening News, "Midwife stabbed in tragic pencil accident."

Camden Times, "Pantomime dwarf throws himself off bridge."

The Ilkley Gazette... "Local toy millionaire commits suicide."

Three ex-Ravenhill patients dead in the same month.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Do you?

It must have something to do with Kenchington's locket. What's that?

The night in the hospital, she was going on about a missing locket.

Maybe someone's after it.

But why?

Hello?

Yo, Teabag! It's me, Mr J!

Sorry, who? Mr Jelly. How's it going, my man?

Hope it's all... dangling down.

What you talking about? The schnizzle.

Just talk to me normally, please.

Listen, you know you were talking about Kenchington having all that money stashed away?

Yeah. Well, I found out that her precious son, Mr Jolly,

was doing illegal organ transplants on the side, getting paid shitloads.

Really? Yeah. You know how much you can get for a frozen kidney?

Never mind about that. I need you to listen to me.

I think our lives might be in danger.

Why, what have we done now?

Bingo!

Lucy!

Help!

Help! Help! Lucy!

All right? Hello, Debbie. Hi, Richard.

Have you got everything you need? I think so.

I wouldn't mind getting a bigger flat, but the lease doesn't come up until...

No, I meant here, in this situation.

Oh, yes. I'm good, thanks. I'm just waiting for some make-up.

It should be pretty straightforward. We've got a built-in half-hour delay,

so should there be any mistakes, we can go again. Should there be any mistakes? Yes.

So, you want some mistakes? No, but should there be any...

That's what I'm asking.

No, we don't want any mistakes.

I thought so. It's sometimes good to check, though, isn't it?

Yeah. I suppose it is. All right. I'll see you out there.

Sorry I'm late. Hi. Thanks, Richard.

I was just speaking to my husband. He rings me every five minutes.

I'm like, "Shahrouz, you're too clingy, you've got to give me some space."

Right, erm, which one of you is the lady who's been raped three times cos I'm meant to do her second.

I thought it was you cos you've got, like, a sad face, haven't you? Which means you must be...

Debbie Hart. Debbie Hart, got you. Right.

Come on, Hattie. Think what you're doing. Let's have a look.

So, um, yeah, I like it.

It's quite natural. It's like a no make-up make-up, isn't it?