Psychoville

Keep your voice down. That pig's been sniffing round.

I think we're missing a book, 50 Great Coastal Walks Of The British Isles Volume II.

There's nothing that might help jog her memory even?

The important thing is that in the time she has left she has a stress free environment.

Who could have sent it to you? They're all dead.

Perhaps Robin would like to come over tomorrow night. One thing.

I mustn't touch any peanuts.

I was once hospitalised by a Bakewell tart.

Who is he? Fill me in. His name's Sharouz and he's Iranian. Oh, my God.

Will you marry him for me?

Have you located the dwarf? Not at present, no.

You've still got a few tricks up your sleeve haven't you?

No loose ends, Kelvin.

I bet my agent's been looking for me.

I wonder if I've had any auditions?

Apparently Sky are redoing Time Bandits.

Come on, Kerry, just let me go!

I am letting you go, Robert.

I'm going to release you from your old life. What's that mean?

You're not going to eat me, are you?

No, Robert. You're going to eat me.

It's a Wiccan love spell.

You're going to love me forever, Robert.

Here we go, the delivery man's been.

Good. I hope they've got everything. Let's have a look.

Mighty God and Goddess, hear my pleas.

See my heart and know my desire.

I take this poppet and I pass it three times through the smoke of the incense.

Can you light the incense, Grandma?

Erm, they didn't have incense so they've done a replacement.

What is it? It's a Glade Air Freshener.

Magnolia vanilla. Quite nice, actually.

Give us three squirts then.

Here is salt for tears.

And here are rose petals for enduring love.

Did they have rose petals?

No. Flat leaf parsley.

Great. Have they got anything we actually ordered?

Now, they didn't have any rosemary, but they sent a big bag of Haribos.

I don't know how they've arrived at that.

Bring it here.

They just fob you off with all the old stock.

Look how withered those parsnips are. No, they're my fingers. Sorry.

It's all right.

I'm just trying to find the sell by date on these Yakults.

Sorry I'm late, I got stuck behind a blind Brownie in Paperchase.

Hiya, Shahrouz.

Hello. Now, to cut a long story sideways,

I've got two cards to show you for the invitations.

One's heavy ivory and the other's got a pink marble effect.

I do have a favourite, but I'm not going to tell you which one.

We weren't going to bother.

It's only going to be you and the witnesses. You're joking, aren't you?

I've got 14 cousins coming over from the Isle of Man!

They're looking into Ryan Air flights as we speak.

It's only a registry office, we're going to be in and out. Keep it simple.

Oh, sorry, I've got the shit end of the stick here.

I thought you wanted the full effect.

No, we just want it really low key, get it over with.

I don't know if it's possible, but we could do it this afternoon.

Today? Yeah, there's been a cancellation.

It works for me because I'm back on Cranford from tomorrow.

I don't know, Chris. It's such short notice.

What are we going to do about the reception? Get a Chinese?

And are you happy with that, Shahrouz, because it's your wedding day too. Yes.

I'd better go and and get myself organised, hadn't I?

Don't go mad. It's only a piece of paper.

Course it is. Just like these, hey?

Afternoon, Mr L. Is that you, Tealeaf?

Yeah. You order cranberry juice?

What's that? Never mind.

Oh, these eardrops are useless. Do you want your post?

Is there anything from NASA? Doesn't look like it.

Oh, they're fools to themselves Tealeaf, fools to themselves.

Someone's sent you a page from a book. Eh?

It's the last page.

It's been ripped out. Just says "the end".

What book is it?

Lady Don't Fall Backwards.

Looks like it's a mystery.

Yes, I know it.

Look on the envelope, is there a return address?

Yeah. It's... Don't tell me.

23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam.

That's it. Who lives there?

Anthony Aloysius St John Hancock.

Bastard.

He said, "Don't talk to me like that, you're the one who ate a kangaroo's anus on television."

I said, "That was calamari.

"Don't you know it's all filmed at Shepperton?"

Yes, it's done in a studio on the back lot, yes, like Capricorn One.

It's very clever.

I'd better go. I've got a man hovering. Bye, Matthew.

Matthew Kelly.

So, can I help you?

Detective Inspector Finney, Metropolitan Police.

I'm trying to trace one of your cast members. Robert Greenspan?

Oh, yes, little Blusher.

I'm afraid you're a bit late, he skipped town already.

Got involved in a love triangle from what I gather.

I try not to fraternise. You don't know where he is now?

I've no idea, but I can give you his agent's telephone number.

Did you see him wearing a locket? It would have had a letter K on it.

No, the Biggins rule is no jewellery allowed.

I once saw Bonnie Langford nearly lose an eye

on a swinging Tiffany pendant, it was horrific.

Here. Well, thank you. You've been most helpful.

Oh, one last thing. Yes?

Do they really film it all at Shepperton?

It's been years since I did a proper dinner party.

When your dad was alive, I was a right Fanny Craddock.

Will Robin want cheese and crackers? I've only got Laughing Cow.

I don't think he'll get as far as the cheese.

That's true. I'm crushing a full jumbo bag of peanuts

into his Angel Delight, that'll do the trick.

I'm putting it into this dish with fishes on.

Just in case you end up serving him.

Why would I end up serving him? I'm having a drink tonight, David.

I've worked all day preparing this meal.

You shouldn't be drinking, Mam. Not in your condition.

What condition? I'm as fit as a flea, doctor said so. Bottoms up.

DOORBELL RINGS

Welcome. Hello, David.

Sorry I'm a bit early.

Oh, now you remember Emily, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Oh. Erm, I was rather hoping Emily might join us.

For dinner? Yes. I thought perhaps she could take minutes.

To do what?

Well, there's lots to discuss,

besides which, I think I might be in there, as they say.

OK.

Mum, there's a girl here as well.

Emily. Hi. Oh.

Well, that's all right, isn't it?

I'm sure we've got enough to go round.

I wasn't sure what we were having so I brought one of each.

Buy one get one free.

Lovely. Well, if you'd like to go through and sit soft,

and I'll send David out shortly to circulate with the crudities.

What are we going to do?

Two for the price of one.

And do we have a match?

Thank you! Let's give Emma a big hand!

Here, have this one.

Can I have it back, actually?

I need it back. I only say that as part of the act. Get the stripper on!

All right. He's on in a minute.

I've seen him getting ready. Talk about red raw stump.

Now then, for this next trick I need the assistance

of someone with whom I have never met before.

Any volunteers?

No, no. Oh, come on. There must be someone!

What about you, madam?

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I... I dropped off.

Is it my bit now?

Shut up. Round of applause for this young lady!

Now then...

Wait a minute, I were on the other side of you before, weren't I?

Oh, no, we swapped it round, didn't we, because of your hook?

Go on.

We've never met each other before, have we?

No. That's right.

So I'd like to do a bit of mind-reading for you, if I may?

Oh, that sounds nice.

So, if I can give you this. I want you to...

To think of a shape and I've to draw... Let me tell you.

Just draw a simple shape on there. Don't let me see it.

Tell me when you're done.

Oh, I love the smell of these.

Yeah. Just do your picture, and I'm going to read your mind.

OK.

I've done it!

Right, before you turn over your pad...

You definitely thought of that thing you had to think of? I did.

You didn't change your mind? No.

Right. Turn over your pad.

LAUGHTER

Oh, what's that? I thought you were thinking of a cat.

Well, I were. But it were really scratching me, so I put it in a box.

Well, there you go. Two cats.

But with one in a box.

Thank you, you can sit back down now.

Can I wait in the car, actually? I'm really frozzed in here.

Have you got the key? Yeah.

What's this? It's the display you asked for, Ma'am.

So we can keep track of the investigation.

No, no, no, this is Prime Suspect!

It's the 21st century, we're not hunting the Yorkshire Ripper.

Where's my plasma screen?

It's... It's on order, Ma'am.

Good.

And I want to operate it from a button under here somewhere.

Now where are we?

Well, we think we've located Robert Greenspan, he's the, er...

the, the little... The dwarf, you can say it.

Yes, and we expect to have questioned him by the end of the day.

Right. Keep me posted.

Ah, good, the Sony catalogue's arrived.