Hanky Panky

Aw fuck.

Oh, thank God, yes.

Yes, hello.

Please help me, I witnessed a murder.

I don't know where I am, I'm in the-- I'm in the woods.

Yes, it was in the cabin.

It's evil.

I'm scared, I'm alone and I'm running for my--

- Where's your sense of adventure Sammy?

- I don't have a sense of adventure, Woody.

This place gives me the creeps.

It's just your anxiety.

I have social anxiety, Woody.

I'm supposed to be comfortable when I'm alone.

Aloha!

Namaste!

Who are you?

- Go on big guy, tell her your name is Sam.

Your name is Sam.

My name is Sam.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Diane, Carlos's best friend.

Can come in?

Yes, yes, of course.

Wonderful.

Yeah, we just got here.

Oh, who's we?

We, the royal we.

Nice.

And all the spirits.

This place is definitely haunted, am I right?

You know about the vortex?

The what?

- This will be a weekend of light

and love and oneness and oregano oil, open.

Yeah, it's a little much.

Oh, yeah,

you're gonna use me to wipe your wet lips.

Oh, God, yeah, oh...

Wrong pipe

Oh, do it again, do it again Sam.

Wipe her lips now.

Woody.

Woody?

- What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you know?

I left my car unlocked and I'm going to lock it up.

Because I don't want any prowling mountain folk to get it.

I'm sure it's fine.

There's no one around for miles.

Thank you.

Moon Goddess!

Wolf Princess.

Oh God.

I am so glad we're doing this.

So much healing.

- And like, so expected with you both here and everything.

Honey.

Name's Cliff.

My husband.

Sam.

- Sam, wow, that is such a surprise to see you.

Diane.

Hey.

Gonna get in, thank you.

- Okay, Diane, could you just gimme

a quick hand with something?

Of course, yeah.

Yay.

We'll be right back.

We'll be back.

- Were you guys not expecting other people to be here?

Nope.

- What is that crazy person doing here?

Who?

Sam?

Oh, I just met him, he seems great.

No, Diane, he is not great.

You are literally the world's most broken human thermometer.

That man is weird, scary weird.

Well Rebecca text-vited him.

What?

Why did Rebecca text-vite anyone?

This is supposed to be a romantic weekend for me and Cliff.

You and Cliff hate each other.

I know Diane.

That's why when we go on vacation,

he gets to go ice fishing,

and I finally get some alone time.

Jesus Christ, he's terrible at packing.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

Hold on.

How did Rebecca get Sam's number?

- Well, she asked me for it so I stole your phone,

and then I found Sam with three

really happy, excited, exclamation points after it.

So, of course, I assumed that was--

- No, that's Sam with three terrified,

stay away exclamation points.

She meant my sister Samantha.

Oh God damn it.

I need a cigarette.

I thought you quit.

I did quit.

That's why you're so cranky.

I'm not cranky.

Okay.

I'm just a little irritable

because I'm on this medication

Intonix, to quit smoking actually.

It causes all these strange side effects,

like surrealistic nightmares, hardening of the skull.

What?

- Do you remember when I was managing the IP paperwork

on the LACMA exhibit on 16th century Romanian dinnerware?

How could I forget?

- Okay, and I told you about that guy who was like,

the world renowned expert on antique tablecloths?

I love vintage fabrics.

That's the guy

- Yeah, Diane, that's the guy that brought

his own napkin that he used to clean everything.

Everything.

- Maybe he was just being helpful?

No dude.

- In my monastery service, is a core--

No, I swear to God.

I saw him purposely spilling things to clean them up.

You don't think that's weird?

Oh my God.

You're a shell of a man.

You love it.

Great.

Great, this is great.

- I'm seriously afraid you're gonna kill Cliff.

Diane.

What?

That is my business.

- Sh, sorry, I was shushing you actually.

My wife Lilith is indisposed.

I'm Dr. Crane.

I'm sorry.

I'm Sam, I work with Carla.

- Oh, how delightful, I'm Cliff's brother.

Let me show you something.

Vengeance will be ours.

Can I put my luggage...?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You know women and their faces.

May I ask you, what do you think of these paintings?

- They're a little bit disturbing.

Yes, and self-portraits.

Beautiful.

I see it.

Self-taught?

It's a common French expression.

Does it mean yes?

You're being too loud.

I'm sorry.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

Cliff's ridiculous brother is here too?

Clifford!

Come here.

Oh, okay.

- Rebecca said that she wanted as many conscious minds

from the family as possible, whatever that means.

She's so zany.

Hey, babe.

So this is fucking great.

Yeah.

- No romantic getaway for the two of us.

But now the family gets to bond and I get to go ice fishing.

Win-win, win.

You are not ice fishing cliff.

Why?

- Because you'll get drunk, you won't catch any fish.

And then you'll be miserable to be around all weekend.

So no fishing.

Okay, so you're just gonna

have to let me go fishing elsewhere.

I got one hot spot that I want to try.

Cliff.

- I'll just put it in and just see what happens.

You know, I'm talking about down there.

- I literally wanna watch your entire body

just burn in slow motion for eternity.

- I will forever be burning in that icy hole of yours.

I'll melt it.

It's thick, but I'll melt that shit.

- That's halfway to positive, Cliff, that's halfway.

I thought you wanted him to go fishing?

It's our foreplay.

We'll work on that.

- You know, Lilith, my wife had her

reservations about coming here,

and I just said to them,