Toast of London

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

Hello uh, Steven? Er, could you do a quicker one?

Mind the gap.

Er, hello again. How about doing a funky one?

What's that even mean? Who the fuck are you anyway?

Sorry, Steven, let me introduce Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

Of course.

Right, Steven, um, may we try a couple of the traditional

readings again where you emphasise the word "mind" and the word "gap".

Yeah, all right. Are we rolling?

Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

- Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango. - So like the traditional delivery, Steven,

where you hit the word "mind" and the word "gap".

- Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, Clem. - All part of the service, Steven.

- Ah, God! - Hello. Uh,

I've just had a thought.

Could you leave quite a long gap between the words "the" and "gap"?

Clown...

Mind... The...

Gap.

Ha ha. Let's have some fun. Try an even longer gap between those words. Ripped By mstoll

Mind...

The...

- What's your porn name, Ed? - Posh Dong Minge Muncher.

- That's your porn name, is it? - Yes.

So "Posh Dong" was the name of your first pet and "Minge Muncher"

- was your mother's maiden name? - Sorry?

Well, that's how you come up with your porn name.

You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.

I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.

Football. What's this, Ed?

Ah, that's the application form for the Prostitutes and Celebrities

- Blow Football Tournament. - Ah, blow football?

That's where people blow those tiny footballs around

- with straws in their mouths? - Yes.

The tournament's organised by my show business charity The River Rats.

Raises money for good causes and this year I think it's for homeless ponies.

Ah, so who takes part? Actors and prostitutes?

Well, technically celebrities and prostitutes. We get the odd footballer,

but ironically they're not actually very good at blow football.

Do they team you up with the prostitute or do you have to bring your own?

I always bring my own. Well, why don't you take part, Toast? It's tremendous fun.

You must know some prostitutes?

How about that Purchase woman you're having an affair with?

- She's one, isn't she? - Well, she is, but she's also a very

strong feminist. I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC.

Oh, no one took a blind bit of notice when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper

started it back in the '60s, but nowadays would get up the noses of those women's

libbers and killjoys at the BBC.

Blow football with prostitutes? This sounds right up my rue .

- Can I fill this in? - Excellent.

Could be good publicity for you, too. Why don't you ask Mrs P?

Is she still with her husband? What's his name? Um, Roy?

- Ray. Ray bloody Purchase. - What's he doing these days?

The man's penis is then inserted into the other man's anus.

This is most unnatural.

A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina.

- Not another man's anus. - Hear, hear!

Very good. That is the end of today's lecture.

Have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk.

The gays have had it all their own way for far too long in this country.

It really is super that you have the bottle to come here and tell it like it is.

Yes. Thank you, Ray Purchase.

I know we both abhor this rampant bum banditry I see everywhere in your country.

Now, I'm meeting some anti-gay friends of mine in a local pub.

- Would you like to come along? - Oh, yes.

That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.

Don't touch me!

I'm home, my darling!

Had a few drinks with Swivney and the anti-gays.

They want me to help them inform people about the dangers of homo sex.

- But in an entertaining way. - Really?

Actually, I'd rather not know about it. It reeks of homophobia.

Nonsense. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh God, I've had a skinful.

Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.

Snoring? I've never snored in my entire...

Toast! Don't you even bother to knock any more?

- Where's your soppy husband? - He's here actually.

- In the bed. - He looks dead.

He's probably just hungover. He went to an anti-gay lecture

- given by Nick Swivney. - Oh, that idiot.

Mmm. Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.

Let's not talk. Let's just do it.

Oooh, yes!

Ed was talking to me about some celebrity and prostitute blow football tournament.

Yes. Ray's asked me to partner him this year.

- It's happening soon, isn't it? - So you know about it?

Well, I was hoping you'd partner me.

Hmm. Well it's just... Well, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently.

I think this could bring us together more. I mean, I know a celebrity and

prostitutes blow football tournament is frightfully un-PC,

but I think my marriage should come first.

I can get you the names of a few prostitutes, if you like.

Okay. I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament.

As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.

This is a bit weird, Mrs P. I'd like to go.

Maybe we should get a more up-to-date photo of you, Toast.

Now that you're playing more mature roles.

No, leave it, Jane. It's fine. I mean, it may be 30 years old,

but as you can see, I haven't changed one bit.

- Hmm. Um... - You know, I'd really like to win this

prostitute and celebrity blow football tournament. As you know,

I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do. I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC.

- Not like you to think like that, Toast. - It isn't, is it?

It's almost like I turned into your friend Ben Elton.

Or Gary Barlow.

Who?

- Do you like Charles Dickens? - Dickens? Yes, of course.

An offer's come in.

- To play Dickens? - Yes, would you like to play Dickens?

- Does Frank Bough like to party? - What?

Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens. No one's done him properly.

Callow tried in his one-man show, but he was too camp.

Not like Dickens at all. He was more like Larry Grayson or...

- Russell Brand. - Mmm-mmm.

I'll find out some more details.

Toast! Ah, Mrs Purchase.

Where are you? All right, I'll be right there.

That was Mrs Purchase. She's got some

suggestions for prostitutes to partner me in the tournament.

It's in a place called Springleys on the Fulham Road.

Springleys? I don't know it.

- Is it a gentleman's club? - Ah!

- Ah! There you are. - Sorry I'm late.

Took me ages to find this place. I thought it was a club or wine bar.

Hop in.

Now, I've been looking at these. Now, that's Lola, she is a really nice prostitute.

Paige... I mean, she's a great prostitute. Ruby, one of the best

- prostitutes around. - Yes.

Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football?

Well, Ed says you're not allowed to have sex with the prostitutes during the

tournament, so I may as well go with the one that's best at blow football.

- Oh, you want Wendy Nook. - Who?

Wendy Nook. Yeah, she's a great prostitute. Probably the best one at blow football.

- Fantastic. - Shall I give her a call?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs P.

Yes. Very nice.

Hang on, my balls are about to fizz!

- Are you sure, Jane? - Yes, yes.

You look exactly like Dickens.

But are you sure I have to dress like him for the audition?

I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.

They're even sending a driver to pick you up.

Not from here, unfortunately,

- but it shows they're keen. - Mmm.

You still want to play Dickens, don't you?

- Of course. - Well, good.

What the hell is this?

Something's wrong here, Jane. Something's very, very wrong.

Yes, sorry, Toast. There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.

The finer details may have been on the attachment

and I... I rarely read attachments.

They think I'm a tour guide.

I presumed you were being picked up and taken to the audition.

- No, no, they think I'm a tour guide. - So...

You don't want to be a tour guide?

Course I don't want to be a bloody tour guide, Jane. I'm an actor!

Is there a pension scheme with tour guides?

Anyone there you could talk to about that?

Is... Is there a what?

Pension? Acting's a shaky profession, Toast, and there'll come a time,

fairly soon, when you won't be able to act any more.

This could be an opportunity for you.

I'm not a tour guide, Jane, I'm an actor.

We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.

We've had our fun over the years, but this could be a dignified way out.

I'm just... I'm looking at the long-term option.

- What? And end up as a tour guide? - Um... Yes.

Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had, and if I wasn't such a

nice guy I'd tell you to stick it up your khyber.