Pink Cadillac

Hello, Is this Randy Bates?

Who wants to know?

This is Crazy Carl Cummings.

KZTS all-hits radio station. Pride of the nation at 98.9.

We've got a surprise for you just about as big as Barry Manilow's beak,

Are you sitting down? Better yet, are you laying down?

Are you on a waterbed, all comfy? Are you horizontal, Randy boy?

No, I'm sitting up, but I think I can handle it.

Do you like country music?

I used to like Roy Acuff.

Roy Acuff? Would you take Dolly Parton in a pinch?

I may be Crazy Carl, but I would. But you won it.

An evening with Dolly Parton.

The evening begins with a pre-show dinner for you and Miss Parton...

at the Hawaii Kai Room of the Sheraton Barstow.

A backstage pass for you for Dolly's big show at the Barstow War Memorial...

and then, a little dessert at Massimino's Cafe.

And who knows whether the evening will end there?

Because, Dolly, she's a powerful woman.

She's been on the road a long, long time.

All right.

- What's your favorite radio station? - KZTS.

I can't hear you.

We'll pick you up at 6:00 in a long black limousine, baby.

Yeah, all right.

Dolly Parton? You turned a hard-core felon into a trembling teenager.

What kind of indictment did this guy skip out on?

Two counts of atrocious assault.

He found his wife in bed with a roadie from ZZ Top and took a tire iron to both.

You must be awful tired, you had a long drive to get here.

That's my job, track them and snatch them.

I can't believe this guy is sitting there expecting a limousine.

Good evening, sir. Congratulations.

Goddamn, I never won anything before.

Allow me.

I am ready to party hard.

I'm Tom Nowak. I've been empowered by the State of California...

to return you to Sacramento where you're due to stand trial.

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

What's your favorite radio station, Randy?

K-Suck, you dork!

Once we catch them, we never gloat.

Thank you, gents.

What kind of music do you like?

I sure as hell don't want to hear no Roy Acuff, I'll tell you that.

Matter of fact...

I'd like to hear something that sounds about as mean as I feel.

Why don't you just let me pick it for you, then?

A Crazy Carl Cummings special.

John Capshaw from Sacramento,

He's got a good start, and Rampage is a tough one to ride,

It looks like he'll get big money out of this rodeo,

Capshaw has gone down, and the rodeo clowns move in,

Here's what clowns are all about...

as the bull takes it out on the barrel,

Thanks, partner.

Nice ride, cowboy.

Tom, how are you doing?

Say, my favorite bloodhound.

I just did John Capshaw and I could sure use the cash now, if you got it.

- You did Capshaw? - How?

I'll tell you later. You got the money?

We're just ordering. Sit down.

You got to eat, for Christ's sake.

I'll have the Chief Justice Warren Burger, well done.

Extra fries.

One Warren, burn it.

Have you got the money? I got to visit someone.

You got to visit somebody?

Isn't that funny?

I never thought of Tommy Nowak as the kind of guy who pays a social call.

Have you got the money?

All right.

Thanks.

Tell us how you did Capshaw.

He tricked the poor bastard. That's what he did.

He snuck up when the dude was half unconscious.

- Who are you? - I'm Capshaw's lawyer, okay?

I'll tell you this...

there's a pretty thin line between what you do and what some outlaws do.

Maybe a thin line, but it ain't invisible.

- Afternoon, Miss McGuinn. - Afternoon, Mr. Barton.

When you going to take some sun?

You're about the palest thing in the whole damn camp.

One of these days, Mr. Barton.

Remember when I gave you our rent money on the first of the month...

- right on time? - Remember?

It's a golden day in my book of memories.

First time since you and your husband came here...

when you actually paid when it was due.

Can I have it back?

You're a really nice person, Mr. Barton.

Isn't he?

Hi, honey.

What's up?

Hi, honey.

- What's that? - Leave that alone.

That's baby food money, Roy.

Not for shotguns, not for Wild Turkey.

Not so you can get wasted on some kind of horse tranquilizer.

You're with me on that, right?

Do you hear, boys? This is baby food money.

$120.

Would you help me with the baby?

Say, hey, Roy.

- We finally got it knocked, baby. - Knocked?

Like that Amway franchise in the desert? Or the oil field work in Alaska?

Or how about our famous chinchilla farm, remember?

Make cash fast by raising chinchillas for their pelts...

unless you leave the cage door open and they run away.

I know I screwed up a lot of things...

but honest, we're on Dream Street now.

Come on.

How'd you make this money?

We didn't make it. Some friends of ours did.

- It's counterfeit? - State of the art, baby.

This is the big time.

Listen to me.

You do six months for selling hot VCRs, I'm still here when you get out.

I waited for you. But I didn't count on these prison buddies.

Please, for the baby's sake, get rid of these psychos.

They scare me.

Psychos? These guys?

Let me keep the money here a few days. I'll find a good hiding place for it.

I know I screwed up some things in the past...

but this is idiot-proof.

Doesn't it seem just a little strange that this woman...

who has no previous record at all...

is the only person being indicted for possession of counterfeit money?

Your Honor, she was the only one home at the time of the raid.

And she refuses to tell us anything about the crime.

One could hardly blame the woman, Mr. Hastings...

when she's got a Folsom Prison class reunion...

going on right behind her.

If Your Honor pleases, these gentlemen have come to post bond for the defendant.

We believe that the counterfeit money we found in that trailer...

is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other moneys...

and other crimes involved. So we ask the court...

to set the bond with these facts in mind.

The court sets bail at $25,000.

We can cover that action, baby.

Your Honor, Mrs. McGuinn prefers to seek bail...

from a recognized bail bondsman.

What do you got for me, Buddy?

I told you. I got Little Walter Drucker.

The schmuck who gave me this defective microwave for collateral.

He is sitting downtown at the Golden Bear Motel...

waiting to be plucked like an apple on a tree.

Why don't you let one of the kids handle him?

There's no fun in the Walter Druckers of the world.

Fun?

Mr. Bring-them-back-alive wants a big fun-fix.

If I may quote the immortal Olivia Newton-John:

"Have you never been mellow?"

I know what you can do. You can fill out mileage reports.

Justify all the money I am giving you for gasoline.

Will you do that for me?

I asked you a question.

And I didn't give you an answer.

So, you can do Walter Drucker.

"Hell, no. That's no fun."

You could fill out mileage reports.

"Hell, no. That's too much like a real job."

You can jump on Mary Ellen Chesbro:

The beautiful court stenographer who's been mooning over you for two years.

"Hell, no. She might get her hooks in me."

Come on, Tommy!

Do Walter Drucker. For once in your life, be reasonable.

I tried that once. I didn't like it.

How's that baby?

I had to leave her with my sister over in Nevada.

Sure was sorry to hear about the arrest.

Are they gonna take the baby away?

I mean, after they find you guilty and all?

I don't know, Mr. Barton.

Sure is a fine machine.

Every boy's dream. A pink Cadillac.

You know what Elvis said.

Roy never drove this thing. Never even had the top down.

And you ask me why I never get any sun on my face.

I don't mean to interfere...

in your marriage...

but it's dangerous messing around with a man's vehicles.

You're right about that, Mr. Barton.

Very right.

Come back here, damn it!

What are you going to do now?

Or you can explain it to Alex. He'll pass judgment.

Yeah, okay.

But I'm worn out. Don't you have any speed?

Diet pills? What the hell am I supposed to do with supermarket diet pills?

You can gobble the whole box as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not gonna waste good crystal on you now.

Maybe if you find Lou Ann.

Hell of an escape, Lou Ann.

You are about the palest thing.

Obviously a hardened criminal,

I can tell by the Kewpie bow lips.

Who cares about her lips? She walked out on a bond of $25,000. She's a fugitive.