Frasier

COME ON IN.

IT'S ALL OVER.

HE WON'T MESS WITH YOU.

ARE YOU NUTS?

THAT WAS A DOBERMAN.

OH, DEAR, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, GET THE FIRST AID KIT.

EDDIE GOT INTO A FIGHT.

WE WERE ON THE ELEVATOR

WITH THAT DOBERMAN FROM UPSTAIRS.

EDDIE TOOK A PERFECTLY INNOCENT SNIFF

AND, WHAM.

MORNING, ALL.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

EDDIE WAS VICIOUSLY ATTACKED.

OH.

IS THAT COFFEE CAKE I SMELL?

WELL, NOW THAT I LOOK AT IT, IT'S JUST A SCRATCH

BUT I PROBABLY SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE VET'S ANYWAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY?

THE NEW STATION MANAGER'S HERE.

SHE WANTED TO MEET WITH US.

SHE? WORKING FOR A WOMAN, HUH?

YES. WHY?

WELL, IT'S TOUGH ON GUYS...

TAKING ORDERS FROM A WOMAN.

WE RESENT IT.

THAT'S ABSURD.

IF I HAD TROUBLE TAKING ORDERS FROM A WOMAN

FREDERICK WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED.

MY BROTHERS COULDN'T STAND TAKING ORDERS FROM ME.

I WAS FOREVER TELLING THEM

"BILLY, CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

"GET YOUR ELBOW OUT OF THE GRAVY.

"NIGEL, TAKE THAT THING BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.

THE WHOLE HOUSE IS FULL OF FLIES."

MORNING, NILES.

HELLO, FRASIER, DAD, DAPHNE.

I CAN'T STAY.

I JUST WANTED TO ASK A FAVOR.

DAD, CAN I BORROW YOUR GUN?

MARIS TAKING SINGING LESSONS AGAIN?

NO. OUR HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IS DOWN FOR REPAIRS

AND NO ELECTRIC GATES.

I'll JUST FEEL SAFER IF I'M PACKING HEAT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PACK A LUNCH.

DAD, PLEASE.

MARIS IS A WRECK EVER SINCE SHE FOUND OUT

OUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH IS WINTERING IN PALM BEACH.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT GUNS.

I PROMISE I'll OPEN.

THE SPINNING THING AND CHECK FOR BULLETS

BEFORE I SHOOT ANYBODY.

ACTUALLY, DR. CRANE, YOUR FATHER'S GUN ISN'T A REVOLVER.

IT'S A COLT .45 ACP

WITH A SINGLE-STACK MAGAZINE.

WHEN I FIRST CAME TO AMERICA, I WORKED AT A CONVENIENCE STORE.

DAD, PLEASE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN CIVILIANS HAVING GUNS.

MARIS'S MOTHER GAVE HER A GUN.

THEN MARIS'S MOTHER CAN CLEAN UP THE MESS

AFTER SHE ACCIDENTALLY BLOWS YOUR BRAINS OUT.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING NONSENSE.

MARIS'S MOTHER HAS NEVER CLEANED ANYTHING IN HER LIFE.

THIS STINKS!

I CAN'T WORK FOR A CHICK.

THEY ARE COMPLETELY RULED BY THEIR HORMONES.

HARF! HARF!

IT'LL NEVER WORK.

Woman: LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.

I'VE BEEN WORKING

THE OFFICE GRAPEVINE.

I'VE GOT THE SCOOP ON THE NEW BOSS.

WILL SHE FIRE ME?

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

IS SHE BAG-ABLE?

FORGET IT, BULLDOG.

SHE'D HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.

RIGHT. LIKE I EVER STICK AROUND THAT LONG.

ANYWAY, THE WORD IS SHE'S, LIKE, THIS PSYCHO PERFECTIONIST.

EVERYONE AT HER LAST STATION

WAS SCARED TO DEATH OF HER.

SHE'S BECOMING MY IDOL.

WHAT IF SHE HATES SPORTS?

I NEED THIS JOB.

I JUST PROMISED MY MOM A NEW PACEMAKER.

THINK I COULD GET HER TO BELIEVE

I SAID PASTA MAKER?

NOW LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON

FOR US TO GIVE IN TO OUR INSECURITIES.

WE ALL DO GOOD, SOLID SHOWS.

WE HARDLY EVEN KNOW THIS WOMAN.

ALREADY, WE'RE PAINTING HER AS A HEARTLESS MEDUSA.

SHE SAID MY RATINGS ARE DOWN.

SHE SAID I'M NOT HIP.

FATHER MIKE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

THE LITTLE THUG FIRED ME.

I'M SO SORRY.

DID SHE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?

SHE SAID, "SEND IN FRASIER."

LISTEN, TELL THE MOVERS

I WANT THE COUCH DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.

UH-HUH.

OH, HAVE A SEAT.

UH-HUH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

NO, NOT THERE.

IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.

YEAH.

NOW LOOK, LOOK...

I'VE GOT SOMEBODY HERE.

COULD WE MOVE THE FURNITURE LATER?

COULD WE DO THAT?

DR. FRASIER CRANE.

KATE COSTAS.

WHAT A PLEASURE.

I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO TAPES OF ALL YOUR SHOWS.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

REALLY?

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I LIKE TO THINK OF MY SHOW AS A HAVEN

FOR THE TEMPEST-TOSSED IN THE MAELSTROM OF EVERYDAY LIFE.

WOW. YOU REALLY TALK THAT WAY.

ANYWAY

YOUR RATINGS ARE VERY GOOD

BUT I STILL THINK WE CAN DO BETTER.

ANY IDEAS?

HOW TO... IMPROVE MY SHOW...

UH...

THAT IS A TALL ORDER.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING

OF PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC BEFORE MY INTROS.

PERHAPS, BARTOK'S CONCERTO FOR ORCHESTRA IN "D" MINOR.

IT'S TOO HIGHBROW.

I MEAN, I LOVE CLASSICAL MUSIC

BUT TO MOST PEOPLE, IT'S A BIG SNORE.

OH, INCIDENTALLY, BARTOK'S CONCERTO IS IN "C."

ARE YOU SURE?

POSITIVE.

I WORKED AT A CLASSICAL STATION IN COLLEGE.

LET'S TALK ADVERTISING.

YOU GOT A GREAT FACE.

I WANT TO SEE IT ON T-SHIRTS.

I WANT TO SEE IT ON PARK BENCHES.

I EVEN WANT TO SEE IT ON FRISBEES.

EVERYBODY IN SEATTLE

SHOULD BE TOSSING IT, WEARING IT, SITTING ON IT.

WONDERFUL.

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO NIT-PICK

BUT I'M CERTAIN THAT CONCERTO'S IN "D."

I WAS A MUSIC MINOR AT HARVARD.

IT'S IN "C."

IT WAS COMMISSIONED BY SERGE KOUSSEVITZKY IN 1943

FOR THE BOSTON SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

AND SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN RECORDED OVER 30 TIMES

EACH TIME IN "C."

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I'M RIGHT.

ALSO, I THINK YOU SHOULD START DOING THEME SHOWS.

DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE

HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

OR DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE WITH ABERRANT SEXUAL PRACTICES.

COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A HAND WITH THAT BOX?

OF COURSE.

UH, KATE... UH...

YOU KNOW, THAT ADVERTISING THING...

OOH, IT WAS A VERY GOOD IDEA

BUT THAT, UH... THESE THEME SHOWS, UH...

IT'S A LESS GOOD IDEA.

YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY WORSE IDEA.

WHY'S THAT?

WELL...

I AM A... A DOCTOR

AND, UH... I'D HATE TO HAVE THE SERIOUS WORK I DO

BE TAINTED BY COMMERCIALISM.

BUT YOU DON'T MIND THE FRISBEES?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE ENTIRELY UNCOOPERATIVE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S...

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN

IN THE RADIO GAME FOR SOME TIME NOW

AND I THINK I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH

ABOUT BROADCASTING, AS THEY SAY

TO KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES MY SHOW

A GOOD SHOW.

MY GOD, YOU'VE WON SIX GOLDEN MIKE AWARDS?

AREN'T YOU SWEET TO NOTICE?

FINALLY, I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO START GIVING PRIORITY TO THE JUICIER CALLS.

THAT'S CALLED PANDERING.

AND THAT IS CALLED

A PEABODY AWARD.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

SAY TO A CALLER, "SORRY YOU LOST YOUR JOB"

"BUT UNEMPLOYMENT'S A SNORE.

"SLEEP WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND'S WIFE

"AND CALL IN ON MONDAY

WHEN IT WILL BE INFIDELITY DAY ON THE FRASIER CRANE SHOW?"

I REALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

THE PSYCHIATRIST AT MY LAST STATION WENT NATIONAL.