Trying

I like church. It's cozy.

Of course you do.

Inside are candles, red wine and cushions. It's basically our flat.

Erica looks well.

That woman's Beyoncé to me, Jason.

Comes out of a marriage breakup stronger

and without once dragging me to a yoga retreat.

Do you know how hard that is?

Come on. Let's go.

- Why're you wearing canvas shoes? - Oh, yeah.

Well, I... I tried to not overthink it, all right?

- Then I've ended up under thinking it. - It's not very godparenty, is it?

It's difficult to think about things the exact right amount.

Anyway, don't worry. No one will notice.

See you in a bit.

- You all right? - Yeah, yeah, fine.

- Why is Jason wearing those shoes? - I do not know.

- Okay, should we... - Should we just pop inside?

- Yes. - Yeah.

No, no, it's fine, it's fine. I don't care who he dates.

- She's very pretty. - No.

It's too early to tell.

Everyone's hot when they're 27.

We won't know for sure until she's 35.

Yeah, what do they talk about? What has she done?

Women under 30 don't do anything except juice.

- And tell people they're bisexual. - Very true.

We're just gonna keep it simple.

People who obsess over the wedding day are just trying to cover up the cracks.

Like, if the relationship's a six, the day has to be a ten, you know.

- Exactly, don't overthink it. Yeah. - Yeah.

- How are you, mate? You all right? - Uh, writing more long form now.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Doctor told me to, uh, keep a food diary last month,

and I just, I really leant into it, you know. Found my voice.

And an allergy to soy.

Yeah, so that's me, trying to crack the Great American Novel for my sins.

But you're English, mate.

I think it gives me a unique perspective.

- Glad you made it. - Yeah.

Lovely to see you.

- When's he moving out? - Tonight.

I lasted six weeks. Erica, I have no idea how you did 12 years.

Humans are resilient. Mandela did 27.

Yeah, not with Freddy he didn't.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

And also with you.

- Father, we ask you to bless this water... - Hey.

Why don't we bring your girlfriend back? Because he could do her while we're here.

- Can we not? - Not what?

Be that cliché.

Says the midlife crisis wearing a friendship bracelet.

- …Christ, our Lord, amen. - Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Freddy and Erica, do you receive this child as a gift from God?

- Yes. - Yes.

Do you wish to give thanks to God and seek his blessing?

- Yes. - Yes.

Do you acknowledge this day that God's love is already at work?

Mate, we're not really religious,

so if you wanna just cycle forward to the water bit, that'd be great.

What name have you chosen for this child?

- Samuel. - Buster.

- What? - Buster.

- His name is Samuel. - Nope, it's not. I changed my mind.

You can't change your mind. He's named after my grandfather.

- I never liked your grandfather, so… -

Together, the Christian community welcomes…

- Samuel Turner. - Buster Turner.

Oh, my God.

Okay, guys, I'm... I'm not sure this is the ideal place for this.

I'm not naming him Sam.

- I'm not naming him Buster. - Why not?

Because he's not a talking bus in a children's cartoon.

Yeah, this really does sound more like a pre-font sort of chat.

What about a little compromise? What about Stan?

- 'Cause that's got letters from each. - No.

Marlon.

Stan and Marlon? That's the first two on your list, Jason?

- I don't know. I'm panicking. Um… - Luke?

Mm, it's just a sound really, isn't it?

John? Just... Paul? George? I'm just doing Beatles now.

- Parker. - No.

- Why not? - Because he's not a wealthy murderer.

Joh... I don't... George.

I'm back on Beatles again, aren't I? Christ. Sorry.

- What's your name? - M... My name?

- Yeah, your name. Yeah. - Thomas.

- Thomas. - Ooh. Oh, I like that actually.

- Yeah? - Little Tommy.

- Thomas Turner. - Mm.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

- Great. - Oh.

Thomas Turner, I baptize you in the name of the Father,

- and of the Son… - Aw.

…and of the Holy Spirit.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Amen. - Namaste.

You can't rename a child out of spite.

Okay, you cheat on your wife, she might rename a kid or two.

It is the risk that you take.

Actually, Nikki, from an evolutionary perspective, monogamy is really...

Okay, stop. I'm... I'm not absolving you of your sins, okay?

I'm not the women's pope.

Well, I actually have a…

A very interesting article on bonobos...

Freddy, Freddy, we've got Penny here in five,

and I need this not to be happening, okay?

We're never going to find a kid.

- What? - Ellie's gone.

- You're kidding. - She only come on the site yesterday.

- What sort of a... - They go so quickly!

It's like trying to get Glastonbury tickets.

- This is you. - What?

You took too long again.

Yeah, but it's difficult choosing a child from a photograph, isn't it?

You wanna get in there, kick the tires.

- Jase. - Um, this meeting. Is it gonna be quick?

What, the meeting that decides all of our hopes and dreams

and defines the rest of our lives?

Yeah, it's just, I need my stuff from Erica's,

- and I cannot see her right now. -

Sorry, you want us to get it?

I just know she's not watering my staghorn fern.

- Seriously, Freddy... - Okay. All right.

Fine, we'll do it. Can you... Can you give us a minute, please?

- Thank you. - Jase.

His middle name is Ivan.

Thomas Ivan Turner.

His initials are "TIT."

Tit, Nikki, tit.

So she did name him after you then, didn't she?

I wish you'd back me up a bit.

I don't like it when you don't dislike things I dislike.

You know how betrayed I felt when you started liking olives.

Yeah. And I stopped eating them, didn't I?

For you, you little weirdo.

- Oh, right. Okay. - Oh!

Hello? Okay, all right, Penny. Come up now. Yeah.

- Right. - Do you think she's gonna tell us off

for not finding a child?

No. It takes a long time to find the right one, doesn't it.

Look at me. I had hundreds of girlfriends before I met you, and…

Okay.

That sounded better in your head, didn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah, thought so.

- Come on. -

I just, uh, I don't want this to slip by.

We need something in our lives that's bigger than us,

something that will outlive us, carry on after we've gone.

We will, all right?

We have loads of plastic bags in our kitchen drawer.

- All right? - Yeah.

- Ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. -

- Oh. Hi. - Hello.

Is there CCTV on this street?

Uh, no, no. No, I... I don't think there is, no.

Oh, good, good. That's, uh...

No, that's good. Good, it'll be fine.

- Okay. - Okay.

Anyway, I only have half an hour,

because my sister and her husband are having a naming party for her new puppy.

Aw.

Six months of marriage therapy, and that's the best idea they've had.

I said cut to the chase, call it "last throw of the dice"

'cause that's what it is. Ooh! Tea.

Anyway, it's gonna be an absolute slog

because she has gone hard vegan.

- Sugar? - Oh, no, thank you.

I'm sorry, but no amount of tofu stir-fries

is going to un-hit that swan with your car last summer,

so maybe just deal with the guilt head-on, can we,

and stop burying it under a lot of spinach triangles.

Oh, long story. He was fine.

It was mainly his fault. He was warned. Right.

Oh.

Mm.

- Gather, please. - Oh.

- Okay. - For I have news.

I was never here.

This is an illusion. This is not happening. Okay?

- Okay. - Yeah, okay.

Okay, so, there is a boy.

His name is James.

He is a nice boy.

- Oh, look. - Aw.

I think he's your boy.

By means I do not wish to divulge,

I have advanced knowledge he will be on the system in 24 hours.

I want us to be ready to go for him.

James?

James. James Newman-Ross.

James Newman-Ross.

- "JNR." That's good. That's good. -

Yeah.

Hi, hi. Uh, sorry, sorry.

Um, just to say that she'll be doing the kids' tea from six,

so absolutely no pressure, but anytime in the next 45 minutes would be ideal.