Pete Smalls Is Dead

A friend of mine became a big-shot Hollywood director.

He put himself in his own movies.

Big mistake.

My oldest friend Jack teaches acting in the Valley to people in refrigerator boxes.

He said the idea came to him when he was locked in a public bathroom for a night.

Me, I own a laundromat. My best friend has four legs and cataract.

We had gone out to Los Angeles to change the world.

And then we got hit, smack in the face by something we hadn't seen coming: Fame.

You 're fired!

It had been all over the news for the last few days.

my director friend, Pete Smalls, had taken the big swim.

No surprise, really, the way he'd been living.

I didn't really know how to feel about it but I didn't have much time to think.

I had some pressing problems of my own.

OK, I have the time and the place. Seven-thirty, King's Tavern.

You bring all the money. Ten thousand, not five, not five and a half, you bring ten thousand dollars, you hear me?

And KC, do yourself a favour, cause I'm known to do bad things to people.

... you piece of shit! How about I take your dog?

I owed ten thousand to a guy named Nimmo. Ten thousand wasn't much, but

in the laundry business it was a lot of dirty sheets.

Hollywood headline has attained new information regarding the drowning of world-renowned director, Pete Smalls.

Known best for the slapper trilogy, "Blood Bucket 1, 2 and 3".

Mr. Smalls was survived by his wife, Julia Smalls

whose only comment to the press was: "my lawyers will deal with my pain".

Hollywood had loved Pete Smalls with all its heart.

But behind the Hollywood sign it's written that all the heart in tinsel town could fit in the navel of a fruit fly

and still have room for three caraway seeds.

We had drifted apart. I hardly knew Pete anymore.

We lost what we once had.

We all lost something.

But that was then and I had to pay up now, or else.

I can't say I don't see it coming, but still, it came pretty hard.

You 'll get your almost-blind dog back when you come up with the ten thousand!

Oh, come on! Leave my dog alone!

Come on ...

weight gain and weight loss that's a hard one for all of us -

but in extreme cases people have gained large amounts of weight and lost it at the same time.

KC, it's Jack. Pick up the god-damn phone, Pete Smalls is dead.

Yeah, I heard, it's all over the news. - So you're coming with me?

I... I can't. - What? Why not?

Uh, Nimmo beat me up and took my dog.

Yeah well, who's Nimmo? - A loan shark.

He took your dog? Buddha? That can't stand, man.

You got ten thousand dollars?

yeah, I do. - Uh huh, yeah.

I do, I do. I didn't before, but you come to the funeral -

you help me bury Pete, I'll get you your money.

Yeah. OK. You know what, Jack, why don't you just send it to me? - Ah, no way, no way.

You... Look. You come out to LA, you put Pete in the ground -

I get you your money. That's the deal.

I guess I had no choice but to take Jack up on his deal and head out to LA.

Come on, you big ape.

I've been here for two hours. What, are you walking here? Hello!

Move! Damn! I missed it.

Damn. I hate this airport.

You're two hours late. - Security stopped me.

And you pick me up in a... in a scooter. God-damn scooter.

My car is broken. This is a loaner. Come on!

Oh, we gotta go now. - All right, Jack.

If you had to pick my greatest flaw, what would it be? - You're a liar, Jack.

Yeah, yeah, we're leaving.

When am I gonna get my money, Jack? - After the funeral, that was our deal.

All right. Well, I can't face this Hollywood crap without a drink.

There'll be booze there. - What if there isn't?

How long do you think Buddha is gonna live for? - What do you mean?

I mean, there's a difference, if he's got 1 or 2 or if he's got, like, 7 or 8.

He's got a lot of life left in him, Jack.

Did you get the change? - No, there's no change. It's 10 bucks, come on.

How's Julia handling all this? - Oh, Julia's a fraud, man.

Pete and Julia's marriage was a fraud.

How's your blood pressure Jack? - Why do you bring that up? I'm perfectly healthy.

California-healthy. You wanna wrestle? I will wrestle the shit out of you.

It's not too good uphills, is it Jack? - I love the hills, man. Keep me in shape.

Just enjoy the view.

We're gonna be rolling in Bellevue, man. - Oh yeah? - Yeah, rollin'

It looked like Julia had taken the opportunity to turn Pete's death into her own art show.

She was always looking for some way to express herself.

Julia... - Look what the cat dragged in.

You wanna say hello? - No, no. That prick next to her, that's Hal Lazar,

Pete's producer. They're fucking.

I'm going to comfort her. - No, comfort me.

Brought the world's biggest leech with him. - They'll be gone soon.

We'll see whose ass is tight now. - Come on, we're here for Pete.

For Pete...

Here man, I brought you some M&Ms. I know that you like the blue ones.

I like the orange.

Jesus Christ, it says "no touching". Can't they read?

What did they do to him? - Yeah. Looks like old Pete's made of marzipan.

Weird. Gimme a hit of that.

Oh, shit! - Get them off Pete, Hal.

It's a fake, man. It's a fake!

I came to bury a friend, not a toy.

Get away from him Jack!

Where is my friend Pete? - Oh, my God! Oh no!

OK, everyone, settle down, this is a family matter. - I'm calling the police!

Go ahead!

It was really nice work, Julia.

You know, you smoked all your friends to the bone and now you're back in town. Why?

Jack really loved Pete, you know? - Jack is fucking crazy!

This town has no love for you, KC. If I was you, I'd stay away.

Well. I'm just passing through. I'm gonna get my dog back.

That same dog?

I always thought that dog was the best thing about you, KC.

Julia said you can see Pete. And she made the head.

I knew it, didn't look a thing like him.

Can I get my money now?

Why you gotta ask me that all the time? Yeah, after we see Pete.

Is he gonna get hysterical? - No, he'll be fine.

Fucking traitor! - What are you doing? Come on, stop!

You're not fighting back now, huh?

What? - Shh, quiet!

I have glow sticks. - We're not fucking camping Jack!

It's not an expedition. - All right, all right.

You know, KC, Pete stole your screenplay, man.

I know, it sounds really nuts, and I should have told you before

but I had to get you out of the laundromat so that you could see what

this fat slub of whale blubber really was making a mess of out here...

I never wrote a god-damn Kung-Fu script, Jack.

That chop suey shit, that was all Hal-schmucko's idea.

You get me out here with your "I'm gonna get you your money" shit. You're lying to me.

The minute he showed up at the airport on that tinker toy, I should have known I was in trouble.

Jack was the prince of all tomorrows, but I needed my dog back today.

You're lying to me. - What, was I supposed to tell you the truth?

You would have never come here. You'd still be waiting for Buddha's paw to come to you in the mail, man.

Look at this.

Look, look at the back. Look at it!

REMEMBER ME

This came a week before Pete took a swim.

He stole your script, word for god-damn word. He drank himself fat over it, he drank himself sick over it.

Why would Pete do that, Jack? - Because he was scared.

You saw his last two films. - No.

Well, don't. It's not right this fucker Hal Lazar should head off with your script.

Look at this. Come around. Look at that shit.

Look! Can you see it?

Yeah. You know what? People fuck people in Hollywood all the time, so what?

I've got a lawyer. Says he's got a financier partner.

He'll buy Pete's film for something over cost.

I mean, we've got Hal Lazar over a barrel.

You know, this may be a chance for you to get back on your feet.

Ten years? Don't you think that that is maybe just long enough?

I mean, the way you walk around with, like, bad luck is your only friend?

She would have never wanted that.

So when are you meeting these big-shot Hollywood guys?

Tomorrow.

I need to prove that it's my script. - Is Pete's editor proof enough?

There is one thing. - What?

She's French.

You have a boo-boo? - Yeah, boo-boo. Wait, what?

Come. - Where are you going?

First I must take care of him.

Are you gonna show KC some film?

Do you like it? - It's nice.

You keep it. - No.

Please, keep it.

Sorry. Now let me see.

Your script is beautiful.

Is it my script? - Yes, of course.

It was torn to pieces, for what he did.

He loved you, KC Munk. More than a man should love another man.

So what did happen to Pete that night? - On the set he was a wild, wild man.

He was to play the Kung-Fu Master Suey.

He was filled with disdain and the crew laugh at him.

And he makes them fired.

Are you all right in there? - Jack, please, shut your mouth when you speak!

I'm not supposed to have persons in here. If I'm caught with you, I'm in trouble. Bad!

You know, get him done. What's up?

The last I saw him, He wandered down the beach.

I think to swim. - Do you think so?

I think. To swim.

I should have never left him alone.

What the fucker, Jack! - Who the fuck is Jack, sugar-tits?

Just a minute, Monsieur Bob! - Are you fucking someone in here, in the other room?

If I'm found with you, I'm thrown out on the street. Totally empty, without my clothes.

I'm going to cut the shit out of this shit.

Go! - I'm ... Oh, here you are.

I was just going home, Monsieur Lazar. - My editor's home, is the editing room.

Please, please. Come on. It's all right.

I want you to cut everything with the fat priest in it.

You can't be serious.

I have an 18 million dollar movie that nobody wants to buy.

So, yes, I'm serious.

If Jack and Saskia were right and Pete had stolen my script and shot a movie from it

then it had to be worth enough to get Buddha back.

That woman is really something.

Don't get too worked up. She's in love with Pete.

Pete is dead. What, is she gonna mourn him for the rest of her life?

Usually it takes more than a week to get over the death of someone you loved, Jack.

Wait, hold up. Let me get that card again.

I think there's potential. I know there's something between us, you know, underneath.

Do you want the card?

Xan?

What are you doing here? - I hate mum, dad.

And what the hell are you inhaling there?

Remember KC? Yeah?

I can't be at mom's.

Dad, I'm in love with Aram. We're gonna live together.

Who's Aram? I don't know who Aram is.

Last year, you gave out Valentine's Day cards to like, fifty different guys.

Father, I've had my period.

Is that the big lover guy over there hiding behind the tree?