Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm: This is the world...

196 million square miles.

If I covered 100 square miles an hour

every hour for the rest of my life

I'd still only see half of it.

This is the left nostril of my brother Reese.

It squeaks all night long.

These are the freezing cold feet

of my little brother... Dewey.

This is my oldest brother Francis.

He's the one I really like

so, of course, he got sent to military school.

My name is Malcolm.

You want to know what the best thing

about childhood is?

At some point, it stops.

* Yes, no, maybe *

* I don't know *

* Can you repeat the question? *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big *

* Life is unfair *

Malcolm, Reese, Dewey, get in here!

- Stop! - I'm not touching you!

There's only two toaster waffles.

One of you has to have cereal.

It's mine!

Come on!

Give it!

You cheated!

Give it! Give it!

Huh, look at this.

They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus

and letting a bunch of schoolchildren name it.

That's going to end badly.

They do this every month.

He has sensitive skin.

The hair gets itchy under his clothes.

It always seems like such a shame

to just dump this in the trash.

Maybe birds would like to make nests with it

or maybe you boys could use it for school projects.

Arms up.

Dude.

Malcolm, come right home from school.

I made a play date for you with Stevie Kenarban and you have to take a bath.

What? Mom, no!

Malcolm has a play date?!

Shut up, Reese!

With Stevie "The Wheelie" Kenarban?

Oh, man!

So, Malcolm, why is playing a problem?

First off

I don't even know Stevie.

His mother said you boys ate lunch together.

One time.

He rolled his wheelchair over next to me.

It's not like I could say, "Go away. "

He's not even in my class.

He's in the Krelboyne class

in the trailer next to tetherball.

You listen to me, young man.

That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie.

He's a human being with human feelings.

Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy

and you are going to like it. Understood?

Yes, ma'am. Understood.

If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.

You kids...

Dang.

You just take

your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen to them.

That is just wishful thinking.

There's meningitis. There are car accidents.

I could be giving you a spanking

and accidentally snap your spinal cord.

Every day is a lottery

and first prize is that you don't have to scoot

yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands.

You think about that.

I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.

I know, honey. You're a good boy.

Stop playing with yourself.

Go on, just go.

Lois: No, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, I ran out of ham.

One of you has to have egg salad, okay?

And don't ditch your little brother.

I don't want him getting kidnapped.

Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible.

It's your turn to walk with him.

I walked him yesterday and the day before.

I walked with him when he wet his pants.

Okay.

Mom said to hold hands.

She did not say to hold hands, Dewey.

I'm not holding hands.

Come on, hold hands. Please?

No! You're in the first grade.

You're too big for that.

Look, I'm walking right next to you.

You'll be fine.

Damn it! This is why everyone teases you.

Hey, Malcolm.

Hey, Richard.

So my mom was telling my dad last night

about your brother.

She said he's in jail.

He's not in jail.

He's at Marlin Academy.

It's, like, one of the best private schools in the country

and it's totally unfair.

Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker

and he's not.

Dad, I know what you're going to say

and believe me, I totally agree with you.

There is no excuse for what I did.

It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless

and I'm really sorry.

I'm just... I'm hoping against hope

that you will give me another chance, which, I admit

I don't deserve

but if you could just find it in your heart

to forgive me

I know I could earn your trust back.

It's not like it was even our car.

Spath, Spath, Spath!

Spath: All right

here's how it works.

You can beg for mercy on your belly

lick the bottom of my shoes

or take a beating.

You must pick at least two

but... but-but, if you pick three

you get a pass for the next two weeks.

All right?

Now, that's your best value.

Malcolm: Dave Spath.

He never gets sent anywhere.

What do you do if he catches you?

Roll in a ball.

What if he starts kicking you?

Stay in a ball.

Okay. Come on.

Wait.

Never mind.

Woman: Those of you finished with your tempera paints

may bring your work up here

and start on your charcoal still lifes.

You may take two pieces of fruit only

and please be careful with them.

I bought them with my own money.

My own money.

God, Malcolm, that's so good.

Oh, Malcolm, this is wonderful.

The perspective is good.

The composition is clean

and it even shows signs of actual technique.

I have to say this is the high point of my day.

How's that for sad?

Are you okay?

Um, yeah, I'm fine.

Hogan: Malcolm.

What?

They need to see you in the office.

Okay.

I think they mean right now.

Okay.

Get up, Malcolm.

Hi. I'm Caroline.

Want to have a seat?

Are you Malcolm?

Yes, and I didn't do anything.

You're not in trouble, Malcolm.

You're here 'cause some of your teachers

think you're, um... You know what?

I just want to play some games with you.

Puzzles, stuff like that.

Why?

Boy, oh, boy

you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?

Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds

and I want you to tell me

everything that's wrong with it, okay?

The man only has four fingers.

Right, but this time

I want you to take your time and really look...

The car shadow's going the wrong way

the steering wheel's on the wrong side

there's no brake pedal

the words in the mirror should be backwards

the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00

if he's looking at a sunset

and I have red paint on my ass.

That's right.

Red paint all over my ass!

(Intro To "Tie A Yellow Ribbon"Playing)

These are good cookies.