Ghosts

Snoring

Alison sighs

Alison exhales

Morning, guys.

Julian?

Robin?

Hmm.

Fanny?

They can't all just...

Mike! Oh, my...

Door shuts

It's the ghosts. What now?

I can't see them any more.

I...

I c-can't see them any more.

What do you mean?

My gift, it's...

It's gone. I can't see ghosts any more.

April Fools!

Ghosts chuckle

Chuckling dies away

Sobs

Is she laughing?

Are you laughing?

Continues sobbing

I don't think she's laughing.

Ali? Are you OK?

Yeah, fine.

You?

Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed a bit upset earlier.

No, no, no, no. All good.

Yeah? Yeah. OK.

Don't worry. I'm going to have the last laugh.

Right. Cool. So, um, I've been going over our finances,

and the spreadsheet's not looking good.

Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you, like, right-align the columns

and then you put the headings in bold, that will at least...

Obviously, I'm talking about the numbers. OK. Hmm.

Without the income from the gatehouse,

even with functions, it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.

Mmm. The insurance from the fire should get us back

on an even keel, but beyond that,

we're going to struggle to stay in the green.

Black? What's the opposite of red? Blue?

Stay in the blue? Stay in the b...

Are you even listening? Hmm?

This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I just...

Could we deal with this this afternoon?

Just cos there's something I need to focus on until, like, midday.

Mm. Is it playing an April Fools' prank

on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?

It isn't not that.

Right, OK, well, the second you get even with them,

I'm going to need your undivided...

Do we own a saw?

Piercing scream

Bird caws

Screams

Grunts

Oh, not you.

Grunts

Oh...

It was yellow! Oh, no.

The greenfinch IS yellow,

but not as yellow as a yellow finch.

Oh, it's ridiculous. Who do I write to?

Well...

Ghosts guffaw and laugh

That the best you can do?

Nice try! Better luck next month!

Oh, for the last time, there is no May Fools' Day!

Ghosts chatter happily

Ah! Impaled by a fence post, was it?

Hmm? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that was the idea,

but probably a bit far-fetched.

Stranger things have happened.

I suppose so.

Hmm. Yeah, well...

It was worth a try.

So that's it, is it? Giving up?

Well, unless you have an idea?

Idea? No, no. No.

OK. Ideas?

You betcha.

I'm listening.

I just think maybe you put all your eggs in one basket

when it might be easier,

dare I say more satisfying,

to pick them off one by one.

I mean, between us, we know them all pretty well.

I'm sure we could work out which buttons to press.

What's in it for you?

To that lot, I'm just a punch line.

A punchbag. A football.

Then there was that time they stuck me up on that high shelf.

When was that? Tuesday. Ah...

Mmm. I just think that maybe we're both due a little payback,

and as I understand it, until midday on this particular day,

anything goes.

Hmm. Hmm.

Right. Thomas.

Need a hand with the wording? No. No, no.

I've got this one.

Start with the low-hanging fruit.

Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.

Hmm. Erm...

OK, OK. Here's an idea.

Now, it might be a bit complicated, so just bear with me,

but what if we told her there was a balloon...?

There's a balloon? Where?

No... Everyone, there's a balloon!

Kitty, April Fo...

No. OK. No, she's gone.

Kitty mumbles

Well, I guess that's one off the list,

and we've three hours to go.

This is going to be easy!

Chuckles

Ok.

"Meet me in the wood store

"at 10am."

Laughs

Time to go and bait the trap.

Send him my love!

Chuckles

Hums cheerfully

Gasps

Doorbell rings

Alison!

Mr Cooper? That's right.

Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.

I'm Mike Cooper.

English. Also friendly.

No, I'm from Irish Friendly, your insurance company.

You put a claim in for a fire at your guesthouse.

Right. Sorry. We didn't know you were coming... Alison!

No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.

OK. And does our loss need...adjusting?

It means...

Well, we don't use the term investigator.

Our claim is being investigated?

We don't use that term.

But it is? Yes.

Why?

There are just a few details that we need to verify

before we can pay out on the policy.

Oh, so it's, like, just a routine thing?

Perhaps you could show me the site of the incident?

Uh... Yeah, sure.

It's just, uh, this way, um...?

Joy.

Sure.

Look, it's perfectly simple.

The brown one is a blackbird.

The red and black one is a goldfinch.

And the bluetit has a yellow chest.

Right. I'm just saying -

you know where you are with a sparrow.

That's a dunnock. You what?!

OK. Now, try to remain calm, everyone,

but there is a balloon, possibly a number of balloons,

somewhere in this house.

And they might be the float-to-the-ceiling kind,

so it's vital we find them before they lose their magic.

Are you sure, Kitty? It's nobody's birthday.

All I know is, Alison said there's a balloon.

Perhaps a balloon animal. And I know...

Come on, Kitty. She's winding you up, love.

What?

Is May Fool.

April! April.

Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.

Most likely reprisal for our antics this morning.

So she said there was a balloon,

but there actually wasn't a balloon?

Laughs softly

Oh, that is so clever.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What's up with Attenborough?

Well, can't you see? She's picking us off like a sniper.

She may have got to Kitty first,

but she'll come for us all.

Oh, give over. Just a harmless bit of fun.

Is it, Patrick? Is it?!

Or have we awoken a demon hellbent on revenge?

We need to be on our guard,

keep our wits about us, for the enemy is smart.

She is motivated.

We should expect tactics of breathtaking subtlety

and sophistication.

Seriously? They found a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?

What? What?!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!

Pants

Clever girl.

And the fire was caused by a fork of lightning?

Yeah.

Bizarre, eh?