The Unexpecteds

Today is the greatest and most important day of your life.

Today is the day you meet me.

Being broke is a choice.

Why are you such a loser?!

Sorry, I was just thinking about

all the money I'm making right now.

I don't fuck with fate, follow me.

Metal Mike! Metal Mike!

Who am I, you ask?

Drumroll, please!

Metal.

I'm probably the most humble person you know.

But I fuckin' rule.

When I was a kid, I survived

on baloney sandwiches

- and duct-taped sneakers. - Ew!

You're poor for a reason. It's your choice!

How much money do you want to make?

That's the question.

That's not the only thing I'm popping tonight.

Oo, wow!

Isn't he great?

He's kinda sexist.

I don't know. Exactly what is it

that I'm investing in here?

In him, in his lifestyle.

He makes money being himself.

And now he's setting his sights to dominate the crypto game.

Gary, that's a pyramid scheme.

You know, I was just trying to help you out

because I thought we were friends, you know.

But it's obvious you're trying to...

drag my ambitious booty down.

Bye, Gary.

There are two kinds of people in this world.

There are the talkers.

And then, there are...

There's two types of people in this world.

- Walkers... - Boom.

...and talkers. Take a ride with me.

I am getting sick and tired of all these white people

creating tequila brands in Mexico.

I'm not about that app...

- appropriate... ah! - Appropriation.

People come up to me, they're crying, like,

I can't believe... Mama...

get the fuck outta my face. The secret to life

is doing whatever the fuck you want.

I'm helping so many people make millions!

Hey, honey, I'm home.

I'm gonna go to the man den, babe.

I need you to cover for me, okay?

I, uh, got a date with destiny.

Okay, have a great time!

Say good night to your kids.

I was basically homeless.

I didn't have a purpose in life.

He saved my life, he changed it forever. Click here!

Why don't you come join the winning team?

I met Metal Mike by a guy in a dice game.

Showed me how to flip 200 into 2.9.

- Thanks, Metal Mike. - If you Google search

"rags to riches," some stupid old boomer's picture pops up.

Why don't we change that today?

I would like to say that I have had

so much success

with Metal Mike's crypto currency.

Like investments.

I don't know what it is about him.

He just really turns me on.

This could be you every day.

On top of a mountain in the Hollywood Hills?

It's the Metal Mike way.

And I know your mom's like,

"Don't invest with Metal Mike,

he doesn't know what he's doing."

Well, she's living in a two-bedroom apartment.

Facts.

Invest now!

And remember, Metal Mike has

amazing opportunities to invest-- stay tuned!

Hello there.

What up, girl?

Come on!

Oh, we're high fiving now?

Okay. All right.

- Ah! - Ha, ha!

- Damn, that hurt. - Popping.

All right, I got some corn dog bites.

Aw, that's why you're my favorite.

I know.

So, how's it going, buddy?

Mm, hm, hm!

"Gar," it's been a week.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna murder my ex-husband.

Not gonna unpack that one.

Plausible deniability.

Ha, smart.

Wait, so where's Carl and the perv at?

Come on, Kurt is not that bad.

Okay, look, I love him.

But I will be shocked if his face is not

immediately buried in your disgusting collection.

Those are vintage magazines, for your information.

They're porno mags, come on.

Uh, just so you know,

there's a bunch of magazines in there.

Reader's Digest, Sports Illustrated.

I also got a rad collection of vinyl.

- Is that disgusting? - Oh, it's so rad.

All right, come on, Marty McFly.

- I need a drink. - All right.

Take off!

Boom.

Party, party.

They have arrived.

- Called it! - My drink, bartender!

I can't believe your wife

lets you see all these coochie magazines.

You are one fucking lucky dog.

Yeah, well, she's not a fan, obviously.

But I'm not selling the thing piecemeal.

I want someone to come and buy the whole collection.

I could take it off your hands.

I just said!

I'm selling everything, not just the dirty ones.

It's a one-time offer, okay?

Two-hundred and fifty bucks.

- Per magazine? - No, per fucking page.

Of course, 250 bucks for your whole pile of shit.

No-- get the fuck outta here.

I told you to start using your phone.

You can look at porn in your phone.

Why do I hang out with you guys?

Yeah, come on, there's a lady present.

Here, have a cocktail.

- Thank you. - We're gonna be rich!

Yeah, I know.

Okay, before we kickstart the evening,

I wanted to say a couple things.

What started out four years ago

as just a support group

for repressed people with big dreams,

has evolved into movie nights,

weekend drinks, and Christmases together.

- Yes. - We've turned into a family

that, no matter what,

- we stick together. - Yeah!

Especially when the green notes keep coming in!

Yeah, yeah.

And I sincerely want to say,

thank you for trusting me.

For believing in this

life-changing business opportunity.

Because I can truly see how bright the light shines

on this very special group.

- Woo! - Here, here!

Here!

Cheers.

And...

without further ado...

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Woo.

What's up, metal heads?

I wish I had better-- better news.

But I lost it all!

We got bad intel. It wasn't me.

It was some guy in my company. We fired him, all right?

I've been told not to say anything...

from my lawyers until we hear and know more.

I'm sorry.

We lost it all.

I'm so sad right now!

I am so sad!

Okay, let me and my two friends

get dressed, and we're gonna land in Paris.

And we'll be landing there. I'm gonna go rendezvous

with two more chicas at the Crazy Horse.

And then give me, two, three-- make it a week.

And I'll have more information for you, all right?

But for now, we have the investments

of Dinero Tornado, if you need a backup investment.

Onwards and upwards.

Gary, what the hell was that?

I'm as confused as you are.

I must have dozed off.

What's going on?

Did our money just fuckin' vanish into thin air?

According to Disco Dick, yeah.

Fuck, the chat-- the chat is rioting.

Yeah, no shit, they're losing their mind.

I'm losing my mind.

Today, I am going to fucking die!

Guys, just-- okay, just everyone chill.

Okay? We're gonna figure this out.

Chill? I lost my entire safety net.

My savings are gone, Gary.

It's not just you, okay?

We all just lost our fuckin' money!