Comedy Central Presents: Patton Oswalt

FROM NEW YORK CITY, COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

OH, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT.

THIS MAKES IT NICE, HAVING AN AUDIENCE FOR MY SPECIAL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID,

AND YOUR FRIENDS WOULD BE OUT PLAYING A GAME

LIKE COWBOYS AND INDIANS OR FORT,

SOME GAME WHERE THERE WAS, LIKE, FAKE BOUNDARIES ?

SO THEY WOULD SAY,

"OKAY, THE BIKE PATH OVER AT THE SCAFFETYS' IS LAVA,

"AND IF YOU TOUCH THAT, YOU'RE DEAD.

"AND THEN THE HEDGES OVER AT THE SLINGERLANDS'

"ARE POISON SNAKES,

"AND IF YOU GO OVER THERE,

"THEY'LL BITE YOU AND YOU'RE DEAD.

AND THOSE ARE THE BOUNDARIES."

BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE WHEN THEY STARTED PLAYING.

LIKE, YOU SHOW UP AN HOUR LATER, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO THE POOL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, GUYS, I'M GONNA GO TO THE POOL."

AND THEY SAY, "HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE BIKE PATH, IT'S LAVA !

DON'T-- THE HEDGES ARE SNAKES !"

AND YOU'VE GOTTA SAY, "OH, I'M NOT--

"GUYS, I WASN'T HERE WHEN YOU DID ALL THAT.

"I'M JUST GOING TO THE POOL.

IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT ?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW I TREAT THE POT LAWS IN THIS COUNTRY.

KINDA THE SAME WAY, YOU KNOW, JUST THE WHOLE...

"PATTON, YOU CAN'T...

YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT, IT'S ILLEGAL."

"OH, I'M NOT-- GO AHEAD.

"I WASN'T HERE WHEN YOU DID ALL THAT.

"YEAH, I KNOW, OKAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, IT'S--

"I KNOW, IT'S LAVA-- IT'S JUST MARIJUANA.

"DON'T WORRY, SEE ? IT'S FINE.

DON'T WORRY."

I LIKE-- WELL, I DON'T LIKE READING THE OBITUARIES,

BUT I READ THE OBITUARIES A LOT,

BECAUSE IT JUST SEEMS TO ME

THAT PEOPLE THAT WRITE THE OBITUARIES

EITHER WANNA BE P.R. PEOPLE OR THEY'RE FAILED P.R. PEOPLE,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP IT GOING.

"HEY, LOOK, I SPUN DEATH !"

FOR INSTANCE, IN THE OBITUARIES, NO ONE EVER DIES OF CANCER.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE IN AFTER A VALIANT BATTLE WITH CANCER,

OR THEY THROW IN THE TOWEL AFTER A COURAGEOUS FIGHT,

WHICH, STATISTICALLY, THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE.

THERE HAD TO HAVE BEEN A COUPLE OF COWARDLY ORDEALS IN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

LIKE "BOB SMITH DIED TODAY

"AFTER A CRAVEN, COWARDLY ORDEAL WITH CANCER,

"DURING WHICH HE WISHED THE DISEASE

"ON HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

"AND ATTEMPTED A PACT WITH SATAN

"WHICH LEFT HIS BASEMENT COVERED IN GOAT'S BLOOD

"AND FOUR BOXES OF CHALK NEEDLESSLY WASTED,

"TRYING TO SUMMON A DEMON WHO NEVER APPEARED.

"THE FEW MOURNERS WHO SHOWED UP AT HIS FUNERAL

"HAD A HARD TIME NOT GIGGLING.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

MY OTHER BIG OBITUARY FEAR IS, WHEN I DIE,

THEY'LL HAVE MY PICTURE,

AND THEN THEY ALWAYS HAVE UNDERNEATH IT, IN QUOTES,

"HE LOVED TO LAUGH."

OH, HE LOVED TO LAUGH.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING.

EVERYBODY LOVES TO LAUGH.

YOU'RE LAUGHING.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "HE HUNGERED FOR FOOD

"SO OFTEN IN HIS LIFE, HE GOT THESE INSANE CRAVINGS.

"HE TRIED TO GIVE IT UP.

"HE'D HAVE A BIG BREAKFAST AND SAY,

"'THAT'S IT, COLD TURKEY.'

"AND THEN AT LUNCH HE'D WANT SOME COLD TURKEY.

"HE WAS PATHETIC.

"BATTLED IT ALONGSIDE OF HIS SLEEP ADDICTION.

"OH, THAT SLEEP ADDICTION WAS A MONKEY ON HIS BACK.

"HE'D GO 18, 20 HOURS, BUT SOONER OR LATER,

"HE'D LOOK FOR A 'BED' TO 'LIE DOWN IN',

"AS THE CRAZY SLEEP JUNKIES WOULD SAY IN THAT

"WEIRD STREET LINGO OF THEIRS.

"'I'M GONNA GO TAKE A NAP.'

WHAT'S THAT HEPCAT SAYING ?"

ALTHOUGH I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING CREEPIER

THAN WATCHING SOMEONE LAUGH WHO HATES TO LAUGH.

HOW DISTURBING WOULD THAT LOOK ?

LIKE, YOU TELL 'EM A JOKE, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"EH-EH-HEH-- OH, LAUGHTER !"

LOOK AT MY SET.

THEY BUILT ME A SET.

OH, ALL THE MONEY.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE GOING TO, LIKE, OLD MOVIES.

I'M A REAL FILM BUFF,

AND LOS ANGELES IS THE PLACE TO GO TO A LOT OF MOVIES.

THEY SHOW OLD MOVIES ALL THE TIME.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE TO WATCH 'EM

WITH PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,

AND A LOT OF THEM--

THEY'LL GO TO THESE OLD MOVIES,

BUT THEY'LL BRING THEIR BULL ( bleep )

STARBUCKS LIBERALISM WITH THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

AS IF IT STILL APPLIES TO THE MOVIES

THAT THEY'RE WATCHING.

LIKE I-- THEY WERE SHOWING JOHN WAYNE'S "THE SEARCHERS."

"THE SEARCHERS," ONE OF THE GREATEST FILMS EVER MADE.

SO WE'RE ALL WATCHING IT AT THE MANN'S CHINESE.

"OH, MAN, THIS IS AMAZING."

SO THE MOVIE STARTS UP.

TEXAS, 1868.

TEXAS, 1868.

SO THIS WOMAN TWO SEATS DOWN FROM ME

STARTS REACTING TO THE FILM AS IF IT WERE MADE TODAY.

SHE STARTS GOING, "OH, WELL, LET THE WOMEN CLEAR THE TABLE

"WHILE THE MEN JUST SIT THERE AND TALK.

"OKAY, AND LET'S ALL BE RACIST

"TO THE INDIANS WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

THAT'S GOOD."

UM, MA'AM ?

IT'S THE OLD WEST, OKAY ?

IT WAS SETTLED BY BIG, WHITE, RACIST PSYCHOPATHS.

I'M SORRY.

THOSE ARE THE GUYS THAT SETTLED IT.

IT WASN'T SETTLED GAP GREETERS

AJAMBA JUICE EMPLOYEES ON THEIR BREAK.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, BUT NO.

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ?

"IF I HAD SETTLED THIS COUNTRY--"

WE'D ALL BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

YOU'D BE DEAD.

'CAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE, GOING,

"OH, MY INNER CHILD DOESN'T FEEL LIKE CHOPPING WOOD TODAY.

I HAVEN'T--"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE, YOU IDIOT !"

"I KNOW, BUT I WAS READING ANDREA DWORKIN,

AND SHE SAYS THE MALES--"

"PLEASE KILL AN ANIMAL SO WE CAN EAT !

PLEASE !"

WE'RE AT WAR, RIGHT ?

I'M ONLY SAYING WE'RE AT WAR,

BECAUSE I TURNED ON CNN LAST WEEK,

AND THERE WAS A GREEN CITY ON TV.

WHENEVER YOU TURN ON CNN

AND THERE'S A GREEN CITY WITH WHITE DOTS OVER IT, YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, I GUESS WE NEED OIL.

"HEY, HONEY, WE SHOULD GO FILL THE CAR UP.

OIL PRICES--"

AS I SPEAK TO MY WIFE, WHO DOESN'T EXIST.

"HONEY, WE SHOULD GO GET... THE..."

MY PHANTOM WIFE.

THESE WAR REPORTERS, TOO, FOR CNN--

THEY TRY TO MAKE OUT LIKE THEY'RE STILL THAT

WHOLE EDWARD MURROW--

"I'M IN LONDON WHILE THEY'RE BOMBING US,"

OR "I'M IN THE JUNGLES OF VIETNAM."

THESE GUYS ARE IN A DAY'S INN, MILES AWAY FROM THE SHELLING,

STILL TRYING TO COME ON LIKE THEY'RE KING SWAGGERCOCK.

"YEAH, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WAR.

LOOK OUT !"

AND THESE GUYS TRY TO PLAY IT UP, LIKE,

"YES, WE'RE IN THE DAY'S INN.

"THE SHELLING HAS STARTED.

"WE'VE LOST SPECTRA VISION, BERNIE.

"WE HAVE-- I DON'T KNOW HOW 'BLADE' ENDS.

"WESLEY WAS FIGHTING THE VAMPIRES,

"AND HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS DOING WELL, BUT WHO KNOWS.

"IT'S JUST-- IT'S PURE HELL, BERNIE.

"IT IS PURE-- BLACK IS WHITE, WHITE IS BLACK-- IT'S CHAOS.

"I ORDERED A SANDWICH,

"I SPECIFICALLY SAID NO MAYONNAISE,

"THE SANDWICH CAME... SLATHERED, BERNIE.

"SLATHERED IS THE ONLY WORD I CAN USE

"FOR THE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE.

"WE SENT IT BACK, WE'RE PRAYING THAT--

"PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS--

"THAT THE SANDWICH WILL COME BACK WITH NO MAYONNAISE.

"MUSTARD ON THE SIDE, I KNOW, IS WAY TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR,

"BUT JUST THE NO MAYONNAISE

"WOULD GIVE ME SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY.

"BERNIE, THE SANDWICHES ARE HERE.

"THEY'RE WHEELING THE SANDWICHES IN.

"WE'RE GOING TO--

"THERE'S NO MAYONNAISE ON MY SANDWICH, BERNIE.

"THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE.

"GOD BLESS AMERICA !

GOD BLESS AMERICA."

IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW.

IT IS, THIS IS A TERRIFIC CITY.

BUT IT DOES NOT HOLD A CANDLE TO AMSTERDAM.

I WENT TO AMSTERDAM LAST YEAR--

HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN THERE ?

OH, MAN !

I WAS LIKE TEMPLETON THE RAT IN "CHARLOTTE'S WEB."

JUST RUNNING AROUND, "OH, HOOKERS AND POT !"

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

AND BEING, LIKE, A TYPICAL AMERICAN JACKASS,