Village People (Kekkonen Tulee!)

Urho Kaleva Kekkonen (1900-1986)

President of Finland 1956-1982

The reindeer are called Valo and Kaarina.

I hate them.

They're so dumb. They just wait to be fed.

On the other hand, I understand them.

They have nothing to say about all this.

They're not different from the village people.

And now I'll tell you why.

Kekkonen comes here.

Here.

To my bar.

That means I have to get shit-faced drunk.

Gotta lose some weight. Get rid of this booze puff.

Here's a list of things he's killed with his own hands.

He's killed a wolverine. A bear. A deer. A jaguar.

An antelope. A crocodile. A python. A giant cobra.

A tiger. A wolf pack. A grouse.

Kruschev. Commies. And a shark.

A great whale. And our foreign minister.

Shit. I'll take you to our great Town Hall.

It is all a bit phallic.

The real pricks are inside.

I believe the Soviets are excited about the Santa Land project.

Its friendly spirit will prevent them from attacking us again.

Martti Kellinsalmi. A pompous man, since he invented the Santa Land.

Kekkonen will hold the opening speech at the White Christmas Room.

He became the most corrupted man in the north.

His very own words.

And he loved that.

One Santa Land won't save us.

When I get out of here, I'll see to it that someone drops a friendly nuclear bomb here.

Hope the Soviets will drop it on my Mom's head.

She gave birth to me in this shit-hole.

Do we still have a long way to go?

Take it easy. It's not going anywhere.

Less than 200 miles. As a crow flies.

That man is so right.

Whatever the matter, it's always 200 miles away.

As a crow flies.

It would be nice if president Kekkonen came by.

To fool with our chicks.

It's possible.

I'll say. He'll never come here.

Why would he?

What do we have to offer him? Nothing.

He's a man who loves to climb up palm trees.

Oh my God. I've committed a sin.

Now I'm redeemed.

I'll serve Jesus Christ.

You've been repeating that for a year now.

What are you doing?

With the help of Jesus Christ...

This is the river I always wanted to throw myself in.

Just because my Mom's a complete idiot.

And then, we have the Church.

"Believe in God, and you'll be saved."

And a meat processing plant.

Between them, Alli's bar, of course.

And Alli. My mother.

You're so horrible. Horrible.

Every night I pray that Brezhnev would come.

And take her to Siberia.

If I get out of here fast, my only pleasure is gone.

I can't stand this. I don't want to go to Peuranperä.

I want to be among rich and healthy people.

I fear that there is a bottomless gap between us.

Mommy, why is the door locked?

Honey, go away from the door. This will be over momentarily.

Will that take long?

No, just like I said.

Away from the door.

Listen.

The time signal is on TV.

Maija is the wife of Martti, an engineer

and the father of the Santa Land project.

She's disappointed with us most of the time.

We don't know why. And she won't tell us.

Mommy, what are you doing? Raking leaves?

Mommy?

Mommy?

Was that the time signal?

Yes, honey. Star-eyes.

The TV must be on.

If for once the fate would let me out.

To hitchhike the fuck out of here.

I'm dating this guy. Jussi Alaluusua.

And I'll swear, it didn't impress me that he claims

to be the son of the president Kekkonen.

And he has a giant dick. Just like his daddy. The President.

That didn't impress me.

I like him cause he's sensitive.

God damn it. I'm up piss and shit creek. I'll throw myself into a hole.

Nonsense. Let's kiss.

Haven't you heard?

What?

Kekkonen is visiting here.

Kekkonen,

Urho Kaleva.

The President.

VILLAGE PEOPLE

The president Kekkonen comes here? Himself? The Shaman?

That's what Antero the Artist told me, confidentially.

Can we trust him? He's always been a bit weird.

I've heard the same from... various other sources.

Someone heard from someone.

And originally, possibly from the bank manager.

Who'd bought a phallic picture for the bank.

But it can also be just wishful thinking.

Mr. President, welcome to my cocktail party.

It's such a pleasure to have you here.

Although you must have a hectic schedule.

I was hoping you'd taste my cranberries.

Maija?

Maija?

Are you all right?

You have soot on your face.

Is this the latest fashion? or are you losing weight?

Listen, my beloved daughter.

Yeah, I know.

You do? You know?

I insist you take this violin

and start practicing something nice. To play for Kekkonen.

I don't play for everyone.

And not under orders.

I won't play for him. Not even if you strike me dead.

I'll kill you anyway. Even if you're at the Pearly Gates.

You'll come back to earth and play for the President.

Fuck you.

I'm not interested in bloody Kekkonen.

I'd rather praise a Russian Partisan.

Listen.

It's not only about Kekkonen.

I bet he hates string music.

You'll do it for me.

I want some respect from the village people.

I'm not a beer maid with a pair of tits.

I'm higher level.

Laugh away.

I'm the civilized kind.

And remember I'm the only one here

who's a candidate for the Provincial Banner of the President.

That list has 100 names.

And I'm not playing one note.

If you try to force me, I'll jump into the river.

And post my official farewell note to the Town Hall.

To slander you and everyone else.

Antero, I won't forgive you. Better believe it!

I'm so mad. I never want to see you again.

That promise was as serious as losing weight.

But I won't play just to please her.

I'm not her step to a better future.

Let her dream about her banner.

Antero!

Again! The Russians are coming!

I've had enough.

Hi there. Hello.

That's Liisa, the village nurse.

In charge of the alienated.

And the school kids and the disadvantaged.

An impossible burden for one person.

Liisa!

Can't hear anything.

Check the branch.

The radio antenna.

Have the birds dropped the antenna?

Liisa!

Thank you.

You're a cold person, but there's a warm spot in your heart.

Only I can reach it.

I have two wishes.

I'm going to lose weight.

So, next time bring me an enema.

My second dream is to meet Kekkonen.

I'm gonna hand him a bouquet of marsh tea that you'll bring me.

Won't you, my little Liisa?

I won't stay here while the others party with him.

I want to be a part of that.

And you have to help me there.

You are the nurse. You'll know how.

And you'll make the bouquet. You must.

The village people call her "The Nurse from Hell" behind her back.

Don't know what it means, but she gives an impression of confinement.

Liisa!

The radio doesn't work!

Did you hear me?

"You can't hold the crescent of the time."

"It'll cut you, leaving only the seeds behind."

"You can't hold the crescent of the time."

"It'll cut you, leaving only the seeds behind."

Olavi!

What?

I can't understand why your verse is not appreciated here.

Olavi and Anneli. A couple not allowed to sit next to each other at the church.

Olavi is a talented reciter.

The high point of your career is yet to come.

Olavi.

I saw that in a vision.

I love you, Anneli.

I came to ask if you have any wonder drugs for weight loss?