Mandy

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Back again, Mandy? Yeah.

Why did you leave the job at the frozen-fish factory?

One of the other women who worked there looked like Rose West.

Gave me the right shivers. Was it Rose West? No.

They said her name was Margaret Dodd.

But she really looked like Rose West.

She had the glasses and everything.

Could have been a professional Lookie-likie, you know,

open supermarkets and that. Open supermarkets? As Rose West?

I'm not convinced it weren't Rose West.

Every time I saw her it gave me a shock. It were doing me nerves in.

First time I saw her, I was rooted to the spot

and held on to a breaded cod so long it froze to me hand.

They joked that I had fish fingers, but...

..I didn't think that were very funny.

Not when you think what she's meant to have done. Yeah.

Well, look, it wouldn't be the first time you've left a job

for unusual reasons, would it? I don't know what you mean.

Last month you gave up a job at the Co-op

because you thought you saw an alien in the meat aisle.

It were an alien! According to the manager, it was a lollipop man.

That's what they want you to think. They're moving amongst us.

I loved that job at the Co-op. At the end of the day

you could take home all the cheese they hadn't sold.

As you're aware, Mandy, that wasn't actually the policy of the store.

So they're still waiting for you to reimburse them

for the £79 worth of Edam.

Before that, you left a job in telesales

because of the "pressures of the commute".

It were gruelling, all that travel! Mandy, you were working from home.

I had to get downstairs, didn't I?

There's only so many jobs you can leave for weird reasons

before I'm forced to conclude that you just don't like working,

and I'll have to stop your benefits.

Look, you've got a chance to prove me wrong.

This has just come in.

A job at Brampton Hall, the stately home.

Mandy. What? It's a job at Brampton Hall, the stately home.

Brampton Hall, that's miles away. I'll never...

Is it working in the gift shop? I'd like to work in a gift shop.

All those key rings and fridge magnets. Small bags of fudge.

Rubbers. They will explain it to you when you get there!

I know them a bit,

so I let them know that you're going to start tomorrow.

But, look, Mandy, I really don't want to see you back here

in a couple of days' time with another mad excuse

as to why you had to give up the job.

Otherwise, I will have to take official action. Is that understood?

Comprende.

SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY

OMINOUS MUSIC

Oh! Christ alive!

You're late.

You just have time to get into your costume. Costume?

It is 1887, and I'm the scullery maid here at Brampton Hall.

My jobs include lighting the fires in the morning

and polishing the horse brasses.

Please come with me now as I guide you through an ordinary day

here at Brampton Hall.

Excuse me. Are these beams original?

Beans? Beams. The beams.

Oh, is that what they're called? I just thought they were big logs.

What was your question? Don't worry about it.

Right, if you'd like to follow me. Through there's another old room.

And this is the dining room. I have to light the fire here

at 5:30 every morning to make sure it's warm for my master.

Erm, hello. Who's the portrait of?

Erm, that is the Duke of...

..Dagenham.

Who's the Duke of Dagen..? If you'd like to follow me.

Erm, excuse me. Oh, what now?!

I was just wondering what period the furniture in the house

dates back from - is it Regency?

Because, I mean, the fireplace is clearly earlier...

Look, the fireplace is from 1398.

The curtains are from 1864, and the ornaments are from 1972.

That can't be right...

This is the room where John the Baptist was killed.

Ooh.

And the Krays hid in this closet here.

Can you tell us anything more about the Krays?

Yeah. Yeah.

Erm, Ronnie and Reggie Kray used to love coming here,

until they were sadly killed one night in the drawing room

for stealing an ashtray that belonged to Michael Heseltine.

Is it haunted? Haunted?

I shit myself most days with the stuff I see.

Like what? See him?

He follows me around. What does he want? Fuck knows.

Probably wants to get me out of his house.

Can you tell us anything else?

Er, might do.

What's it worth?

Yeah. Erm, some days I see orbs floating about.

And when I see these, I know shit's about to go down.

Really? Yeah.

I get dragged out of the scullery by my ankles, screaming.

Then why do you carry on working here? Just love it here, you know.

Love history and stuff.

SNAPPING

Do you want to go through?

Oh! Fuck me, where'd you come from?

Ms Carter, here at Brampton Hall,

we expect a certain level of professionalism from our guides.

Oh yeah, I'm really sorry. I'll be on time tomorrow.

I'm afraid you won't be back tomorrow.

I understand you've been soliciting tips by making up

stories about the Krays. No.

I don't know who told you that.

Oh, please don't send me back to the Jobcentre.

This is the best job I've ever had! I'll give you one last chance.

But perhaps you would like to show your commitment

by doing some overtime this evening.

Yeah. Yeah, what is it?

What, like a late-night tour or something?

We host a variety of events here at the hall.

One of them is a book launch this evening.

We need someone to hand around the nibbles.

Nibbles? Yes, please!

Prosecco o'clock!

SHE LAUGHS

Hiya, Lola.

You couldn't pick me up tonight from Brampton Hall at nine o'clock,

could you? I've got to do overtime.

But of course, Mandy! What are friends for? Oh, thanks, Lola.