Free Agents

Obviously this is not making a company look pretty good.

Now, you're gonna fix yourself internally, I know that...

but you also need new marketing, new media positioning,

new everything, really.

And P.R. Like to call that rebranding.

You build a strategy, you raise your market value.

You create a brand-new perception.

Now, is that easy to do? No, I'm not gonna lie to you.

The good news is we have done it many times before...

- Hey, what is that? - What what?

June Greer with Chemetex.

Before the meeting, she was asking Emma

if Alex really got divorced. And now...

She's totally giving him a look.

Right? What do you think that is?

It's lust.

She wants his stuff.

Our boy's back in the game!

I mean, that is lust, right?

Okay. What is that look going on with June Greer?

- Dan thinks it might be lust. - No, no, that's not lust.

That's the wrong angle.

I have no idea what that is. Could be she's having a stroke.

Oh, you guys, here she comes.

These are the fall projections for the...

Business that we're doing...

But her eyebrows, they're doing this weird up thing.

Like, "I'm frightened by my desire."

That's a chick thing, right? It's more like a guy thing

to think that's a chick thing.

Maybe she just had some bad yogurt downstairs?

Does anyone know June?

Maybe she's just dumb, and that's how she looks.

No. Look.

Yes. It is attraction.

Going in...Touching.

Hug, hug, hug! Yes!

Wait... no.

Her hands are going way to high.

- What is that? - It's not attraction-based.

- Oh, God, back pats. - It was pity!

No wonder I didn't recognize it.

What?

Hey.

Isn't that adorable?

Almost makes me want to be married again.

Yeah. I've seen the ad, Stephen.

Yes, but I want to make sure

you understand the problem, Fred.

If it wasn't for that,

you wouldn't have such a big problem with this.

One slip in 20 years of marriage,

and our stock's down 2%.

Well, next time nail something hotter,

and your stock might go up.

So we need to move quickly.

First we're gonna put out a press release

painting you as a victim of a sex addiction,

then we're gonna check you into a clinic.

Clinic? I'm not a sex addict.

Just for appearances.

'Cause if it's addiction,

then what happened in the pantry... it's not your fault.

After the first news cycle dies,

we're gonna stage a press conference

where you're gonna read

a very carefully worded statement written by gregg here.

Who, as an aside, loves your curly fries.

And with your trusty wife by your side,

you will announce that you're putting the incident behind you

and moving on.

In crisis management of a sexual incident,

having the wrong spouse on the podium is crucial.

But my wife wants my ghoulies on a griddle,

I hear you say.

Relax. Helen here is our pin-up problem solver.

She will meet with wifey, and bish-bosh... problem solved.

So without beds, my kids had to do sleeping bags,

which I tried to make fun

by pretending we were in a post-apocalyptic scenario.

Which pretty much sums up my entire situation.

What are you doing?

You working on that Potters thing?

Was. I am now setting you up on an online dating site.

- What? - How far did you get?

Oh, just basic stats. Flesh it out.

I'll proof it when I get back.

This is a joke, right?

No, Alex, it's a plan.

You need to rebrand.

And from a p.R. Perspective, this is perfect.

This is total control over

every aspect of your product image.

It's like your pitch to chemetex...

rebrand, rebuild, move on with confidence.

Chemetex leaked a gas that turned otters bald.

People despise them.

Well, people pity you. So emotionally,

you're leaking a gas that turns otters bald.

Alex, how much on the outside do you think you can squat?

What does that mean?

I'm gonna say 400 pounds.

What are you, about 6'2", 6'3"?

- No. - Okay, do you want not smiling,

or smiling, but a simpleton?

Oof. What would you go out with?

There's a gun to my head, I'm assuming.

I would go with...

The gun and dying.

Not smiling. He should look serous.

I need a book and a couple of interests.

Oh, okay, favorite book... Some Hemingway kind of thing.

And interests... should be masculine.

- Bow hunting. - What's bow hunting?

It's where you hunt using a bow and arrow.

It's freaking awesome. No, that is way too masculine.

It should be like exotic cuisine and snorkeling.

I took riflery at camp. Put sharpshooter.

Um...Why are you doing this?

Uh, because ever since June Greer gave you a pity hug,

everyone calls you "back Patty."

Great. Well, you know,

I am dealing with some rather serious issues.

I just went through a pretty rough divorce.

See? Blah, blah, blah. "My feelings."

It's all you ever talk about.

What are we, teen girls? You need to move on.

You need to get back in the game.

You need to win. Um, I have a win.

I have two wins. Oh, brother.

And you know, if this is so great,

why aren't you doing it, huh?

I'm not the only single adult around here with baggage.

I don't have baggage. Darling, your fiance died.

You're like a coach outlet exploded.

Just because you never talk about it doesn't mean...

- will you do it if I do it? - Or we could just

cut out the middleman, and you and I could just...

then it's a deal. We each go on one date.

Let's get out there, see what happens.

One little step forward.

Mrs. Potter, thank you for your time.

Dorothy. Please.

I'm not here to say

that this isn't a painful time for you emotionally.

I'm sure that it is. How painful?

I don't know. I'm not you.

Neither of us is.

But let's just put emotion aside

and just look at the facts and consider

why you being with your husband at this press conference

is a great idea.

One... you are a majority shareholder in a business

that is losing value every day that the scandal drags on.

- Uh, where is everybody? - Chemetex meeting got pushed,

so we're picking your online woman.

Oh, I was gonna look at that stuff tonight.

Wendykins.

Likes farmer's markets, pot-bellied pigs.

Cute. Loves to laugh.

Weird-looking. Loves to complain.

First rule... discard all photos

that don't show the body.

Neck up means they're fat.

Body looks okay, but the photo's old...

they're fat.

Weird pose? Fat.

It's really all about the personal information.

You want a long list of interests, hobbies, passions.

That indicates a woman who never leaves

her unicorn-themed bedroom.

You want a photo and two interests... tops.

So I'm looking for a woman

with a recent photo of her entire body

who is devoid of qualities.

Yes.

So I picked the date.

Alan52.

- See? This is good. - Thanks.

Full body. Taken at a recent game.

Decent-looking but not too handsome.

Flies gliders. I can't see any pitfalls.

Nice work. Now get your hands off me.

Found some for you, too, Alex.

On the Fisherman's widows site?

No, no, these are good.

This one! Right?

Dawn27.

Are you excited?

No.

First date's all about packaging.

One word... peacocking.

You want bold elements that draw in the eye

and starts a conversation. Watch.

Emma. What do you think of this tie?

It's ridiculous.

But you noticed it.

Because you asked me about it specifically.

And now we're talking about it.

- No, you're talking about it. - Technically, if both of us