Derek

This is the... This is the day room, where they're all...

This... Where they're all sort of... active. Ripped By mstoll

This is about as active as it gets, yeah?

- Jack. - You work here?

Every time! You know I do. I've worked here for three years.

Derek! He's deaf.

- This is Dennis. He's deaf. - No, I'm not...

- Hello. - This is Lizzie.

Am I?

Hannah.

She's in charge.

And she's my favourite in a different way.

Probably going to marry her.

She says no.

- See, I makes her laugh, don't I? - You do Derek, yeah.

What? Ljust thought of summat.

- Are you Secret Milionaire? - It's not Secret Miionaire .

- Is it Secret Milionaire? - It's not Secret Millionaire, Derek.

They say no. (GASPS) Secret Millionaire says no, though.

Do you know what I'd do, if you were Secret Millionaire?

How much money woud you be giving me?

20,000?

Er, buy Hannah a house, probably.

And a car.

That's what... that's what I'd do.

He said that?

He's got a heart of gold, hasn't he?

Shame more people aren't like that, really.

How much is left?

I don't think there'd be anything left

if you bought her a car and a house.

OK, yeah, just give it to her, then.

I don't need anything anyway.

Except Hannah. She can have it.

Ah, Dougie.

- All right? - Douglas. Come here.

Why?

Be on the telly.

- I don't want to be on the telly. - Everyone wants to be on telly.

Well, everybody is on the telly.

Anyone can get on the telly. I don't want to be on the telly.

- Why not? - Why would I want to do that?

To show...

To show off how good my life is? Yeah?

Working here, looking like this? Hanging about with you?

This is my life. This is where I work.

This is how I look. He's me best mate.

Why would I want to show that off on the telly?

He's the caretaker here, isn't he?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

All right?

Yeah, this is, er...

my little area just down here.

Loads of stuff.

This is the main bit.

This is like my den, little study.

All right, innit?

Well, I don't need anything fancy.

I know it's not like Alan Sugar's office. The wage isn't great.

I'm spending most of me time here anyway.

I get fed three times a day for nothing.

Slippers I get. You know, hand-me-downs.

These glasses aren't mine.

Someone died a few years ago.

You know what I mean? So these... these are the perks.

Do you know why we've got such a posh... computer?

Kris Marshall gave it to us. Been loads of famous people here, giving us stuff.

Look, that's me and Fern Britton. Before she was thin, before she had

her stomach tied together or summat.

Anyway, Kris Marshall.

You know Kris Marshall off the BT adverts?

They're not his real kids, but he's bringing them up anyway.

My favourite thing on here is YouTube.

And my favourite YouTube thing is animals.

And my favouritest animal thing is Hamster On A Piano. Listen.

See it wriggling?

Derek's my boyfriend.

No, I'm not. Why do you say that? She always says that.

I likes old people.

They're kind and they're not going to be around for ever,

so be nice to 'em.

I think old people are nicer to me than anyone else in the world.

- I'm nice to you. - Yeah, Mary's nice to me,

but she's Lizzie's granddaughter.

Oh, is she?

Yeah.

I has to cut their toenails. They can't bend down or anything.

They give me toffees.

I haven't got any toffees left.

What do you mean? You ain't got any toffees left?

No.

Well, why didn't you tell me that before I started?

I've got to finish them anyway, cos they're all uneven, so...

Ah, you're a good boy.

I'm a hungry boy.

Are you the nurse?

- Got to go... You've got to go now. - 0h.

She's not my girlfriend.

- Derek, Derek, Derek, Derek. - What?

Take what you can get, mate.

Take what you can get.

Innit?

Not bothered.

Derekjust cracks me up .

Everybody loves him. He'sjust funny .

I just think he's hilarious.

Pudding! Who wants pudding? - What is it?

Rhubarb crumble and custard.

Ah, course it is! It's Monday. That is my favouritest of all.

Why have they already got it? Why's he already got it?

Is that bigger than mine?

I got more custard.

Who turned it over?

- He did. - Right.

I was watching that.

Don't turn over. He always does that.

Oh, for... Ah!

Look at your trousers!

Does it show?

Of course it shows, it's all over the back! Come on.

He's just funny. He's just funny!

I've been here about. ... about 15 years.

So... onger than I thought I would be .

Yeah, 15 years .

I eft schoo - I didn't have any qualifications,

I just eft at 16 - and then I had a job at a shoe shop , but I hated it .

A friend of mine mentioned there was a job here .

Like a ceaning job,

and then it just took over and. ...

Yeah, I got an NVQ , which was quite hard to get,

but I got it in the end .

I ike it. I like the peope. I ike ...

You just get hooked into the job and then...

...it's sort of taken over my life, to be honest.

I mean, I have hours. You know, there are shifts,

but I'm here a lot. I'll stay here on a night off

for company if anything .

They keep me company, cos I don't want to go home to an empty house, really.

And here's the room I was telling you about.

This is where we do...

That's the new lady coming in today.

Annie. She's about to come in.

This is Derek.

- Hello. - Derek works here.

- Derek. Hello. - Hello.

And this is Tom, Annie's grandson.

- Hello. - All right?

Hello, Tom. It's all there, innit?

It's all right, innit?

Yeah.

You got your room? You got your room ready?

My computer over there. Do you know Hamster On A Piano?

No, I don't like hamsters.

We ain't got a hamster. We've got a piano.

- Oh. - But that's a different thing...

I'm not in a reationship .

Not married or anything, so...

I just... It's never worked out, really.

I'm probably not suited to relationships .

And I'm here a ot. I haven't got time .

A lot of peope meet people at work, don't they? And I work here,

so there aren't that many eligible men.

- Why do you keep itching? - Huh?

- Why do you keep itching? - Fungus.

Fungus in my hip.

- Still playing up, is it? - Yeah.

My two best friends.

This is sort of my gang.

When we comes in, we comes in, and Arthur goes,

- "Here comes the in crowd!" Innit? Yeah,

I don't want to be part of this crowd.

I just sort of slipped into it.

He doesn't work here.

He's the best autograph hunter

- in the gang, probably. - In the world.

- He doesn't autograph-hunt, do you? - I don't see the point.

- Buzz, mate. The buzz. - What buzz?

The rush. You get a rush.

When did you last get a buzz from getting an autograph?

The McGanns. Steve, Joe, Paul.

He's got everyone. How many autographs you got?

- 35,000. - 35,000.

My mum died, he let me move in his flat, didn't ya?

He got a council flat, so he's got a spare room,

cos he said... you ain't got kids, have you, or married or anything.

Not planning on. And that's not going to change.

No. - So I let him move in.

Bit of company.

But then I'm sat with him all day and all night.

I've never seen Derek feel sorry for himself .

He's been through a lot.

And he... He just gets up,

dusts himself off, gets on with it.

He's quite a guy .

She's asleep.

But she knows I'm here. She knows... Shejust likes...

She still likes me holding her hand, even though she's asleep.

I likes her hair.