Melissa & Joey

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

I saw him getting out of his car, hurry.

Relax, all right? He's a minister, he's not the Pope.

No, he's not just a minister.

He's the only minister we could agree on to marry us.

I don't want him to know we were just...

Getting all freaky deaky?

- Yes. (Groans) - (Doorbell rings)

You know, I knew we should have been

preparing for our interview, instead of...

Well, you know. You were there.

Honey, listen, Reverend Matthews just wants to meet us

so he can, you know, get to know us before the ceremony.

It's not a big deal. It's really more of just a formality.

We have nothing to hide.

- Nothing? - No.

What? Oh!

Good morning, happy couple.

Uh... (Chuckles)

Boy... (Sniffs)

Smells like you two have been busy...

Um, making breakfast.

Yeah, I could smell the bacon and eggs from here.

- Yes, bacon... - And eggs.

Yeah, 'cause you don't wanna forget about the eggs.

You two just had sex, didn't you?

He's good.

I'd like to start with a question that I ask all couples:

Can you do better?

- What? No. - What? No, of course not.

Good answer. I like to weed out the losers right away.

I hold the record for officiating the highest rate

of successful marriages...

In Ohio.

So, please,

don't mess it up, okay?

Oh, you don't gave to worry about us, sir.

- Yeah, we know we belong together. - Really?

Was it love at first sight?

Not exactly.

Oh, gross!

I was expecting my date.

I'll be quick.

I was a jackass down at city hall,

and I never should have crashed your meeting

asking where your brother-in-law was.

That was wrong, and I just wanted to come here

and say that I'm sorry.

Bolivia!

Lewis is in Bolivia, isn't he? You just flinched.

I flinched because you shouted, "Bolivia."

Okay, people in Bolivia flinched.

Look, I don't know where the hell he is!

Now get lost and leave me alone!

Hi, Griffin, hey.

Don't you look nice and... (Sniffs)

Smell handsome?

- Who's this guy? - Ah, no guy.

I'm a Vic...

You ever work with kids?

Are you kidding? Right out of college,

I ran a youth center downtown.

I was in charge of 50 teenagers.

Cooked them meals, helped them with their homework.

I was Charles-friggin'-in charge.

Yeah, you're perfect.

There's just one little detail:

I don't really like you.

So, um, basically,

you two can't stand each other?

Well, you know, just...

Just for the first couple of years.

Yeah, we love each other now.

Okay, next question.

How do you resolve conflict?

Very loudly.

What he means is we kinda fight a lot.

One of us is not really taking this seriously.

- Oh, and that's me? - Yeah, that's you.

Now stand up. We're gonna dance.

- Let's go. - Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

I think I know what this is about:

- Control. - Oh my...

Yeah, you live in my house, you work for me.

Uh, technically, I am freelance.

Ah, bup bup bup. Look...

You put up with a lot, and the one time you're put in a position where

you actually know something, you just wanna run the whole show.

Or maybe it's about someone who likes to call the shots at everything,

including the exact color of stripes in our toothpaste!

And now you're involved in a situation

where somebody actually knows a little bit more than you do!

Hey, stripes are important, okay?

The green freshens and the white dazzles.

- Control freak! - Power mad dance master!

- Good look with the dance, baby. - Good luck with the ego!

We can't go out on a romantic date.

We're in the middle of a huge fight.

We are?

You didn't know?

Nobody told me!

Charlotte said that nobody can relax around us,

because of all of the loud disagreeing.

Nobody can relax around us?! That's ridic...

I... I am insanely relaxing.

I'm like Xanax in human form!

Well, you are a pill.

I cannot believe you spilled the beans

to Gillian about Nate wanting to dump her!

You gave me the beans. What was I supposed to do?

I don't know! Clench...

Like a drug mule on a plane from Columbia!

This is nice. We should do labels like this in our house.

Um, for instance, I would be "best hair,"

"best aunt" and "best personality."

Ha! What, on opposite day?

Yeah, well, you would get "most mature."

Not!

Right after you got "least consistent about everything you ever say."

Eh, meh meh meh meh...

Ryder, do you wanna go upstairs?

I cannot deal with one of these right now.

Me, either.

"Meh meh meh meh." What was that?

What are you, a roadrunner or something?

You know what? You would get "most annoying."

- Oh, "most annoying"? - Yeah, "most annoying"...

Really? Okay. Well, fine, I learned from the best.

And "most bald."

Yikes!

Boy, all this combustion

could wreck my success rate.

Come on, Reverend, it's not like this little quiz is gonna,

you know, keep you from marrying us.

Well, actually, it could.

It's not a joke, friends.

If you fail this test, I'm not marrying you.

What did you think this was,

just a formality?

Did you hear that, Joe?

It's not just a formality.

What if he decides not to marry us?

Our wedding is next week.

Okay, well, look, we're just gonna have to take a moment

and really think about what we say

before we just say the first thing that pops into our heads.

You mean, lie?

Why didn't I think of that?

Yes, we're done with the truth. The truth is not helping.

Oh, wow!

Boy, that's good coffee.

I'll be hitting the ol' porcelain wishing well in no time.

Yep, it's delicious, isn't it?

That's all Joe's work. My sweet, wonderful, incredible Joe.

Well, surely you don't always feel that way.

Isn't there anything you find

annoying about Joe?

Okay, Burke, I don't ask for much.

It'd just be so nice after I work out

if I can maybe get one, two gallons of hot water.

Um, you gonna hook me up with Ariel?

Fine, I'll call her for you,

but I predict this whole thing is gonna blow up in your face.

I mean, she may not even be interested in you.

Are you kidding? She...

Saw me.

The scandals... They will just not leave me alone.

You know, neither will hot women,

but that's like a whole 'nother 45 minutes.

I left my cellphone in the garage,

and when I went in there to get it,

there you were with Lindsay,

all pretzeled*** up on my yoga mat.

Whoops.

Look, Lindsay's my trainer.

You're my nanny. It's like I'm paying people

to sleep with each other. What does that make me?

Best boss ever!

Nope. Wouldn't change a thing.

He's a Saint,

a totally humble and shredded Saint.

And how about you, Joe?

Does Mel do anything that drives you crazy?

I'm sure you have lots of interesting ideas

about how to improve our relationship.

And I would love to hear them.

You know what, I would love to share them with you.

- Great, go ahead. - Okay, first off...

- Okay, as I was saying... - (Blender whirring)

- What I was trying to say... - (Whirring continues)

Don't you want a girlfriend? Don't you want love?

Don't you want happiness?

I just want this piercing pain to stop.

- In your back? - No, in my ears.

Just so we're clear, when I say, "ew, no"

you hear, "tell me everything.

Don't leave out a single, gross detail."