W.

And now...

ladies and gentlemen...

the 43rd president of the United States...

George W. Bush.

Axis of Hatred? SPEECHWRITER: I know.

Something about it...

- just misses. - Any other brilliant ideas?

How about Axis of Weasels?

Don't get cute, Karl. This is serious now.

I think it needs to be stronger.

Just cut through the noise. Like Reagan with the "Evil Empire" speech.

Well, is it too much then to...?

What about Axis of Evil?

Axis of Evil?

Evil? Yeah, I like the ring of that. That's good.

Mr. President, "axis" brings up World War ll.

You can't link Germany and Japan with Iraq and North Korea.

No, I... I disagree, Colin.

Weapons of mass destruction make these countries more dangerous.

We gotta begin educating the public about this war and its implications.

You have an approval rating of more than 80 percent now.

It's just astounding.

Not since Roosevelt after Pearl Harbor.

The American people want revenge. They liked Afghanistan.

They want more.

Mr. President, if I may?

Given your strong commitment to democracy...

do you think that Iran should be lumped together...

with Iraq and North Korea?

After all, Iran has a democratically elected president.

- As always, Guru, sharp. - Thank you.

Iran is not Iraq and Iraq is not Iran. I know that.

If we can get one democracy going in one of these places, Iran, Iraq?

Reagan was right. It's gonna spread to all these countries...

because people want freedom.

With this message, we're sending strong word to reformers in Iran...

to turn on these deadbeat dead-enders...

these ayatollah cockamamies. Iran stays in.

When you make threats, sir, you have to back them up.

You'd be committing us to planning...

three fully operational wars with three countries.

No, I'm not saying war. I'm saying lay down the law.

But the speech as written is taking a preemptive posture...

against countries, none of whom declared war on us.

For 60 years now, this country...

has operated under a principle of containment.

That's a defense, general, not an offense.

How are you gonna contain 100,000 lunatics...

running around with fake passports...

from country to country, looking for nukes, anthrax?

Containment don't hold water as far as I'm concerned.

We're gonna get hit again. We all know that.

Unless we go out there, hit them hard, and we hit them first.

Well, containment won us the Cold War.

Some people might just say that Reagan won the Cold War, general.

And it started with the "Empire of Evil" speech.

What do you think, Rummy?

Oh, Mr. President, you know I don't do nuance. It's just not my thing.

I'll keep to the big picture if you don't mind.

I do. Brother George?

Think? BUSH: Mm-hm.

Well, actually there's about 80,000 of them, terrorists, in about 80 countries.

My point exactly.

And I'm sure you realize, of course, what complicates things is...

it wasn't Iran or Iraq who attacked us.

It was Osama bin Laden.

I know it was bin Laden, George. You know as well as I do...

there's more terrorists out there...

than a religious nut in a cave in Pakistan.

- Wolfie, you got that look on your face. - Well, sir, to get back to the point...

Iran is the issue here.

It is the mothers hip of terrorism.

Vice?

Sir, as you know, I don't view this issue as a matter of choice.

Since 9/11, there's no going back.

Well, then...

- we'll go with Axis of Evil. - Yes, Mr. President.

And now I'm tired of this sentence.

All right, before we go, let's all take a moment.

You too, turdblossom.

Do infants enjoy infancy...

as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Let's go. Go.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear seat belts?

Because the Japs are crazy.

That's wrong. And you all suffer.

Buxenhall, you worthless piece of horseshit.

Sing "The Whiffenpoof Song."

I can't hear you. BROTHER 1: Louder.

Yeah!

Lovely.

So...

enjoying ourselves, I see. BROTHERS: Yeah.

Good evening, young fellow Delta Kappsters in waiting.

This is pledge week.

If you make the grade, you'll become a brother.

Delta Kappa brothers are men of honor...

decency...

and God-given character.

Yeah.

That, along with our family fortunes, is why we rule the world. Right, Jimmy?

Right.

But...

until you are Delta Kappsters...

you are all still pieces of garbage.

You, Buxenhall, quick.

How many of these brothers do you know?

Name every brother in this room. Now!

Uh, Dieter...

Hotchkiss, Austin, Hill, Coors.

No good. BUXENHALL: Sanders...

Seven. Seven out of 40. That's it?

Maybe you'll remember better with a drink.

Yeah!

And what about you?

You think you can do any better, Mister Pussy?

- Yes, sir. - Are you ready for your bath?

I think I can do better.

Let's hear.

"Cape Cod" Cartner...

Scotty "Scotch and soda" Sonnenberg...

Paul "Putting-on-the-Rich" Richardson...

Jackie "Jambalaya" Jackson...

Paul "Poodle" Johnson...

Marky "Pit Bull" Phillips, Ollie "Octopus" Givens...

John "Cranky" Olinger...

Sammy "Sloppy Seconds" Woods, Jeremiah "Crusher" Adams...

Howie "Gringo" Givens...

Adam "Lazy" Greenwood...

We have got a working brain here! BROTHERS: Yeah!

He may be from Texas...

but he's gonna be one great Delta Kappster.

Sir, I'm working for that.

You legacy?

Yeah, father, grandfather, all the way back to great, great grandfather.

Yeah, for any ignoramuses who don't know...

his grandfather Prescott...

is our esteemed senator from Connecticut.

My father's running for Congress in Texas.

Yeah.

Planning on following in their footsteps there, Bushie?

Hell, no. No way in the world I'd wanna do that.

Congressman George Bush.

May I please speak with my son?

Daddy's on the phone.

Hey, tell your mom I said hi.

Wait here. I'll be right back. Help us out here, Bush.

I'll be right back. MAN 3: Don't forget about us.

Hello, Pop. Is that you?

What's this about?

What kind of trouble you in now?

Oh, it's penny ante. I swear, Poppy.

Hey, we beat Princeton.

Won the darn championship.

We were tearing down the goal posts. I was hanging on the crossbar.

But they arrested me on account of me being head cheerleader, I'm sure.

Hill and Dowling had great games. I mean, we kicked their butts.

The only thing better than beating Princeton, beating Harvard.

You beat both of them when you won the championship.

Went to the first College World Series.

The first two college national championships.

Forty-seven and '48. Right after you were born.

There are still photos of you...

and that team up on the walls of Delta Kappa.

Tell you, things in this life you wish you could go back, do over.

I could field, but I couldn't hit.

Went 0 for 3 against Cal in the finals.

How history goes.

Still, you were on the greatest Yale baseball team of all time.

My father would've kicked the crap out of me...

if I ended up where you are now, Junior.

They're gonna let me go, Poppy.

I have to get out of New Jersey and promise never to come back.

Which is okey-dokey with me.

Um, don't work that way, Junior.

Not to me, not to this family.

Now, I'm getting you out of this, this time.

I don't wanna get any more phone calls like this again.

Ever.

- You hear me? - Yes, sir.

Where is your grease gun? BUSH: It's up there.

Quit messing with me.

Manuel! MAN 1: Get your butt back in here.

I thought you just wanted me to go up there just now.

Shit.

- What happened? - I think the bearing stopped.

Hey, watch this for me, will you? MAN 3: Okay.

Watch it. MAN 3: Okay.

Hey, Miguel.

Is that too hot?

Yeah.

Damn.

I need some help out here.

Bush, what you doing off the floor? Shift's not over till 1800.

I'm having a drink, sir.

Get back there. The motor's overheating.

I need every swinging dick I got.

Yeah, I know that. But, sir, you see, I'm about parched.

You know, I just need a couple of minutes here.