$elfie Shootout

You are unbelievable!

Yes.

Yes.

I want you to be my unicorn.

-Chub! -Dad!

You're not masturbating all over yourself again, are you?

I mean, is that any kind of life to live?

I'm trying to have some privacy here.

It is my room, for god's sake.

Just get a girlfriend, not that.

I am, dad. I'm trying to get one.

-That's what I'm doing. -That's what you're doing?

Well, I got to see if I like her first.

Besides, didn't I catch you doing the same exact thing?

Once. One time. And I didn't like it in the least.

Right. You didn't like it.

Nope.

Not for me.

Just get a girlfriend, will you?

You're the one.

This is on. It's happening.

-Hi, there. -Cigarettes.

No. Gum.

-Any kind. -Is that it?

So just the one gum

and, the... vodka?

Vodka?

What are you saying?

We don't want any vodka.

We want one gum.

That's all, okay?

We don't drink.

Yeah, we hate it.

Okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Wait. I saw you stuff it into your purse.

It's that right-!

What time do you get off?

What time do you get off, baby?

Any time he wants, I bet.

We close at midnight.

Unh-unh.

-Make it 11:30. -I can do that, yeah.

Make it 11, Amber.

I can't wait that long.

Okay. I can do that, too.

-'Kay. 11. -'Kay.

Okay, 11.

I'm gonna be right here.

Keep the change.

Bye, papi.

Bye.

It smells like perfume!

Dude, do you mind if I stick around?

Yeah, you should stick around,

'cause this is happening!

Yes!

This is happening.

-Hey, dad. -Food in the freezer.

-What you got? -Lasagna,

stuffed green peppers, sandwich.

In the freezer?

No, you idiot, the other side.

Whatever you call that side.

Well, that side's the refrigerator, dad!

I know that.

Go some potstickers, had some for lunch.

Excellent.

Mini burger things. You know what I mean.

You mean sliders?

If that's what you'd call them.

The freezer's empty, dad!

I don't know!

Check the pantry.

Do I have to think of everything?

Yes?

Come in!

Do I have to do everything around here?

Holy smoley, bone!

How many times do I have to tell you?

Just come in. I'm missing my movie.

I'm sorry, Mr. moorhead,

but suppose i come in one day

and you're just walking around naked?

Well, then you'd see what a real man looks like.

What's with the laptop?

It's for checking stuff out.

What stuff?

Stuff!

-What you doin'? -Jacking music.

Yeah. I Jack all my music.

What kind of idiots pay for that stuff?

Idiots do.

I jacked 15 movies yesterday.

Yeah? Well...

I jacked, like, $10,000 of software in 45 minutes yesterday.

Big deal. I own all the software ever made.

Yeah? Well...

I invented jacking,

and in some circles

I'm known as bone the jackulator.

Maybe you invented jacking,

but I downloaded the entire Internet!

It's not that big if you compress it.

Yeah, the Internet is all about

gettin' stuff for free.

Hey, what do you think happened last night?

-About the babes? -Yeah. I mean, we were...

well, the only real explanation

is that they got hung up somehow.

I mean, maybe... maybe they got the flu

or they needed to study

or... You know,

maybe it's a rain check kind of situation.

Rain check's good, right?

It means we get the same exact thing only later.

-Wait. What is this? -What?

It's an email that says

"young, vulnerable Russian women

just got off the boat."

What's that mean?

It means that they were sailors.

They just got out of the military, which is a good thing,

because they're probably really horny.

All right, wait.

"Looking for young american men

for a long or short term relationship."

Look at her!

Whoa! A babe!

We're doin' this right now. Here we go.

Okay.

american male...

Looking for a long

or short term relationship

with Russian ex-sailor.

What's the downside?

There isn't one.

-It's her. -What, already?

In, like, three seconds?

She's hot. I mean, she's got to be hot or...

-read it! -Okay, I am.

"I'm available

as soon as you can meet."

Where?

Meet her at McCloud. Van nuys!

-But what do I do? -Just meet her.

Meet her and I'll be your wingman.

You're awesome! Yes!

I'm gonna... I'm gonna meet her.

-What are you doing? -The wingman dance.

-What is that? -It's the wingman dance.

It's kind of awesome. Can you teach me?

-Yeah. Just flap your arms. -Flap my arms.

Yeah. Get that chest involved a little bit.

I got the chest going!

I'm gonna walk in there and I'm gonna be like,

"what's up, lady? I'm... I'm the wingman!"

No, no. You're not the wingman.

I'm the wingman. You're the man-man.

Two more "jackuitars."

-Thanks. -Can I get you anything else?

-We're good. -Yeah.

Great.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go sit over there.

I think it's better if we're not together.

-'Kay. -Yeah.

Now, just watch my back,

'cause in case, you know, it's a scam

or an attempted strong-arm robbery, 'Kay?

-'Kay. -Got it. Boom.

All right, I got this.

I forgot my drink.

-Yeah. -Thank you.

Yeah, it's good. Good choice.

I got this. All right. Here we go.

-Chub? -Yes?

It's me,

your Russian dream girl.

So happy!

I don't exactly recognize you.

Easy mistake. So easy.

So happy you came.

You like to come, chub, don't you?

You like that a lot.

You are the kind of man that can come and come.

There's a problem going on here.

There was you in the email,

and then there's...

You in person.

Why talk about such meaningless things, chub?

Why?

I want you to enjoy me.

Okay.

But first...

We must make the normal arrangements.

-Arrangements? -Yes.

I must hear your specific needs

so I can give you a fair price.

I don't get it.

You know, it's like buying a car.