Crossing Swords

Guys! Wait!

We're not allowed to be up here.

Mom and Dad said it's dangerous.

"Blah, blah, blah. Mom and Dad said, Mom and Dad said!"

Wow, I wonder what the king is doing right now!

Probably being all wise and good while he does, like, a million push‐ups.

Maybe he's watching us through his telescope!

Whoa. You think?

Oh yeah! And he's all like, "Why's that kid being such a pussy?"

They're beautiful!

The legend says every dragon nest contains one egg of pure gold.

Pure gold? I thought it was pure chocolate.

I heard it was an egg full of gold coins,

but when you peel off the foil, it's chocolate inside.

How would a dragon gestate something that complicated

in its womb, you fucking idiot?

I'm not an idiot, Ruben!

Honestly, Blarney, I can't take you seriously in that clown makeup.

Hey Coral, you know I'm going to clown college.

Clowning is a "profession on the rise."

That's a quote directly from Unemployed Clown magazine.

Let's hurry before mama dragon comes home!

No gold in this one. Stop! This feels wrong!

Aw, man. Nothing.

I don't want to do this anymore!

I don't want the gold if it means hurting the babies!

One egg left, Patrick. Do it, Patrick.

I don't want to!

Ugh, you'll never get anywhere in life following the rules!

We thought you were cool, dude.

Aah! Well, I hope this is the golden one.

Aah!

She's mad for no reason! Run!

Stay away from my sheep, you little bastards!

See ya, fucksticks!

Whew!

Well, shit.

That is the worst thing I've ever seen!

I found him! Help me get him‐‐.

Good luck, man! Remember! Don't be a pussy!

You're just gonna leave us behind?

You're the worst siblings ever!

Sucks to be you! We're in your life forever!

Forever! Forever! Forever!

Aah! No!

Here's your baby!

Please, punish me but spare my brother!

That poor mama dragon. We killed her babies.

Plus whatever that body count ends up being.

I... I swear I'm gonna make it up to everybody!

I'll... I'll help people! Like the king!

I'm gonna be the best knight the kingdom has ever seen!

Weird day.

Okay, Patrick, ten years of training has led to this.

The king is watching. No pressure.

And... go!

Watching this idiot is the best thing about living next door.

Glenn and Doreen must be so embarrassed.

First their kid burns down the whole town,

now this, this‐What do you call this?

I don't know. Some sort of cosplay jack‐off session.

Shh, I love this part.

Patrick! Come inside!

Mom, I'm practicing!

It's important, sweetheart!

Looking good, kiddo!

Patrick, your father and I have something to tell you. Glenn?

You need to get a job.

A job? No, I'm training to be a knight!

It all started when we climbed that mountain for the dragon eggs‐‐.

We know, we know, blah, blah, blah, endangered species,

killed its babies, no more dragons. Wait. What was that last part?

My God. Look, every kid wants to be a knight,

but do you know how many kids actually go pro?

Look at your brothers and your sister.

They all have good jobs.

Good jobs? Are you insane?

Ruben works for the forest service.

A roving gang of bandits.

Blarney's in the fine arts.

Alcoholic birthday clown.

Pays to have a backup career.

And Coral is the CEO of her own shipping company!

Mom, she's a goddamn fucking pirate queen!

Listen, I know you love us equally‐‐.

Uh, I mean...

But I'm tired of being the black sheep.

When I'm a knight, you're gonna realize

I'm the white sheep and they're the black sheep!

Then I'm finally gonna be front and center on the Christmas cards!

Oh, you all look so adorable!

Yeah, well, sink or swim, hero.

I'm putting a pool table in your bedroom, and it's getting delivered tomorrow.

You're kicking me out tomorrow?

Let's just put it this way,

I'm getting that pool table tomorrow and fucking your mother on it.

Now, whether you're here or not, that's your choice.

Sounds like both of you have dreams that won't come true.

Aw.

Aah, this is such bullcrap!

How am I supposed to atone for my sins

by taking a job at a "children's hospital"?

Okay, bad example.

But I'm certainly not gonna work at this "hospice for toddlers."

Jeez, the kids around here have problems.

What's that one? Gravedigger for tweens?

It's an announcement for the King's Annual Squire Tournament.

It's the Squire Tournament!

Oh! That's nice! That's why I put it on a public bulletin board:

So only one person sees it.

It's tomorrow? No, it's usually in July!

Yeah, there's an opening. Something about a friendly fire incident.

Except with a sword. If you ask me, it sounds like murder.

But I'm not done preparing! I can't win!

Or can I?

This could be the answer to all my problems.

Now, the question is, do I even need to be here?

Because I'm starting to feel like set dressing.

Okay, no goodbye.

So, I guess in your mind, it wasn't even a real conversation.

When I die, who will put up the flyer to fill my job? I bet no one.

So long, Mom and Dad.

The next time you see me, I'll be the king's new squire!

This I swear because‐‐.

Shut up, you stupid cat!

Aah!

Wow. The king lives in that castle!

No fucking shit, moron!

This is really happening!

I‐I think I'm having a panic attack.

My family's dead from plague, but your problems seem equally hard!

Okay, first lesson about Kingstown: Don't say your thoughts out loud.

It's true! We hate that!

Fuckface!

Can I interest you in a novelty shot glass you'll never use?

No thanks, I'm not in the market for garbage. Whoa, bobbleheads!

Wow, King Merriman! I'm gettin' this!

Huh? Who's this one?

That's our most famous local hooker, HPV Annie!

She spread HPV?

No, she cured it.

She whored her way to a biochemistry doctorate.

Of course she had HPV, you idiot!

You're a pretty rude salesman.

Look, I'm sorry. I just found out I have HPV.

Kid, you must be an interior decorator,

the way you're eyeing these yeti pelt throw rugs!

Well, I thought yetis were white. Why are these so yellow?

Fun fact, yetis piss themselves when you shoot 'em.

Uh... They also scream, scream,

scream for mama, but mama ain't comin'.

Ain't nobody comin'.

Nobody 'cept me and my peltin' knife.

I can tell you've got an eye for black‐light art, friendo.

Orcs playing poker? Kind of tacky.

You got a problem with orcs? No, I‐‐.

What about orcs who move to the big city to pursue their dreams

only to find the art community insular and snobbish?

Are you talking about yourself?

Me? I'm definitely not an orc

who turned out to be way less talented than he thought.

Okay. Please buy a painting!

Okay, here's my application.

Great! I just need your application fee.

Newbie, huh? Not me!

Eighth time's the charm, as the saying goes.

Nobody says that. Hi, I'm Patrick.

The name's Broth.

The best part of any soup, also as the saying goes.

Nobody says that. So if you forget my name,

just picture a bowl of soup attempting something eight times.

Hey, I've never done this before. Do you mind if I tag along with you?

Not at all! Don't worry, everyone gets butterflies before the tournament.

You see that bush over there? I've puked behind it eight years in a row!

Oh gross, someone set their stuff in it.

That's... my stuff.

All righty! I just need your fee.

Great.

Hmm?

You think anyone can tell my armor is 90 percent aluminum foil?

No.

You see that sweet armor down there?

The dildo inside is named Holden.

He's the odds‐on favorite to win. There's odds?

Aw! They misspelled my name!

Huh. It seems accurate.

All hail His Royal Majesty King Merriman

and Her Royal Highness Queen Tulip!

I'm breathing the same air as the king and queen!

I wonder what they're talking about.

I bet it's something important!

Those tulips look like they've already seen a red carpet or two.

We're recycling them now because they are fucking expensive.

For the price of this stupid tournament,

we could buy so many tulips I'd have tulips coming out of my asshole.