Party Down

Dude, this is gonna be so awesome.

- What's gonna be awesome? - Single mixer.

- Roomful of lonely ladies! - And fellas.

Fish in a barrel, man.

We are all getting way laid, right?

Oh, good.

Really, last time this guy hooked up with one girl,

hour later, hooked up with her twin.

And twins!

Actually I figured out later it was the same girl who put a sweater on.

- I see. - Okay people?

What do I say? What do I say all the time?

No personal business...

on...

- company... - Property.

- Pond. - Time.

- What the fuck is this? - It's like a nightmare dream sequence.

Am I the only one who thinks this is like, really wrong?

Wrong, how?

I dunno, all these old people cruisin' around, trying to fuck each other.

They're probably divorced, or widowed

and haven't been single in a while, they need something.

So play cribbage.

My grandma is not for cruising around like a skank.

Those hands, veins, and spots.

- Groping each other all over. - Yuck!

Wrinkled parts pounding against wrinkled parts.

They're flirting.

Seriously lady, that guy's scrotum has got to be like three feet long.

Two eggs in a tube sock.

- I mean, could he even get it up? - Nah, they just...

wag it around till it shoots little puffs of dust.

Sick.

Why is everything an ultimatum? Like, that's what I don't understand.

Yeah because I'm finishing my show, you know that.

And I have those aud... i do have auditions!

Look I don't know, okay? So I have to go, okay?

Can I... can I please call you back?

Thank you.

Kyle is looking for you.

Doubtful.

He's still fuckin' crying about the fact that he shaved off his eyebrow

- and fucked up that audition. - Okay.

You know, I mean he shaved his own eyebrow. He had the clippers.

So what's going on with you?

Hey, we up for tonight? Henry. Smiles?

I'm smiling ron, new me.

I love it, the new Henry.

Good.

Okay. Remember no staring.

Okay, they're just a bunch of old people

just doing the best they can. So don't stare. Just...

pretend they're not there. Do our job and pretend they're not there.

Ron, you're kinda staring.

Old people freak me out.

- Have you ever seen it? - Seen... seen what?

Them.

Doing...

- it. - Have you?

Disney world, I was eight years old.

I got sick, I went back to my hotel.

Walked in on my grandparents, they didn't notice.

They just kept...

their mouths... and... their hands,

it was like watching a mummy battle.

- Two whites and an old fashioned. - What's like a mummy battle?

- His grandparent's fucking. - Don'T.

Don'T.

Go circulate.

Why would you...

please make me a vodka.

Coming right up. Check this out.

Got something going on here.

Look at that, where'd you get those new moves?

As I sat in my studio apartment last night

trying to decide between

falling asleep on the couch or walking the four feet to the bed,

a show came on about this cop

and how this slasher killed his entire family.

Okay... with his whole life shattered,

this guy became like a super cop.

Ya know? So I thought,

I should do that. Let the job fill my emptiness.

This job? Are you talking about this job or becoming a super cop?

'Cause listen, I watch the shield. I don't see you lasting on the streets.

- No I meant bartending. - Bartending, well thank god.

You doing okay?

Sorry to hear that.

- You are super bartender. - Told you.

Hello everyone!

I'm Pepper Mcmasters!

Welcome to seniorlicous!

If you read my book,

you know that we're gonna take your single senior life

and add a little pepper.

Because love and romance isn't just for kids, is it?

No, no, no. Well all need it,

and we all can get it!

Absolutely!

So our presentation will begin shortly,

but ya know, in the meantime just loosen up,

live a little,

and, get ready for a surprise or two.

- Surprises? - Surprises, they're coming.

Hey Roman, congrats man.

I heard that George Lucas loved your script,

- everyone's talking about it. - First of all

I told no one about that little message you left me.

Second, everyone knows Lucas is kiddy bullshit.

I'm hard sci-fi.

And never the twain shall meet. Kick ass revenge bro. Kick ass.

Scotch rocks.

Nice lookin' crowd. It's not really my scene.

- You don't date? - Not old people.

- You will someday. - I'll do like a Michael Douglas thing.

Grab some young hottie.

Ah, so you're an actor.

But not really a Michael Douglas type. I'm more of a Colin Farrell, ya know?

Dangerous, yet vulnerable.

- If doesn't work out... - It'll work out.

- But if it doesn'T. - It will.

Yeah, but if it doesn't, this might be you in 40 years.

But,

why bother?

I don't mean to be rude but, isn't everything all dried up and limp anyway?

Kid,

this is the 21st century.

Hey, okay so this is a text message.

So there's like grammatical issues or whatever but,

bottom line: "Btm line"

"so-called career = chldsh blshit,"

which I... I'm assuming is childish bullshit.

"If give fck anything

but yrself, buy...

tket..." I don't even know.

Buy ticket.

Oh, yeah like a ticket to Vermont.

Right.

- Yikes. - Really?

Is it... Yeah I mean is that... dickish actually.

Because I've been trying to think, like maybe he's right.

And I'm wrong, ya know? Like maybe he's a good guy

and I'm just the asshole who's breaking up the whole marriage.

Of... I at first thought I was the...

The good guy, but I... I dunno. I really... I...

I... I don't even know.

Okay.

Splitsville man, for sure.

- You think? - It's in her body language.

I can read her body.

She's back on the market man if you're thinking about having a go,

get in line bro.

Whoa, there's a line?

I'm ahead of you 'cause you're the new guy.

Alright good.

- Didn't know you were into her, so... - She's alright.

She's not the hottest girl,

but I'm not the kinda guy who's gonna be like,

she's... ya know, her brain is a nine.

What about her tits?

I mean don't get me wrong, she's got nice tits.

I'd give them a 6. And her face is decent.

I give that a 6 or a 7.

Body, go to the gym. Once in a while,

tone up the stomach. Overall right now, a 6 or a 7 body.

Eyes are really nice but

ya know, some makeup would be nice to kinda

bring them out a little bit more.

And then her hair, brown, nice.

Like the brown carpet.

I prefer linoleum.

But I-- overall it's a 6.8.

6.9. 6.8,

6.8.9.

That's what I'd say.

That guy gets you up and ready

right away.

These guys, more of a mellow all day style.

These babies take care of the aches and pains.

This shit's practically straight speed.

Keep the right balance, dude, I'm a teenager.

That is amazing.

And that one right there is the insta-boner?

You think I could keep one of those?

- For shizzle. - For shizzle.

Anything useful?

Yeah, I bet you don't know what the biggest sexual organ is.

- Well that would be my throbbing... - brain.

- It's your brain. - Exactly, my throbbing five inch brain.

- Five inch brain? What? - Circulating.

Constance!

I'm sorry?

Constance Carmell!

Oh honey, think!

Cabo, every night tequila

and a new page from the karma sutra.

- David. - No, how about...

"you're the only man I ever let go up there."

Jeffrey, Todd, T-Bone...

No, hold on. You can't have forgotten about this.