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This is a historic day for Greendale.

This state-of-the-art Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium

represents Greendale's first steps forward

into the realm of the legitimate!

Students: Ooh.

Oh, oh. No problem. You know what?

I'm just going to get it started with my teeth.

The legitimate! Oh. The legitimate!

That should be my sandwich shop.

It was my idea to put one there.

- We're here for you, Shirley. - Yeah.

Troy, Annie, and I know what it's like to be displaced.

They're tenting our building for termites, so we're homeless.

I'm staying in the sleep study lab.

All I have to do is wake up every three hours and go...

And I get two credits.

Yeah, and we're going to build a super awesome pillow fort

- here at the school. - Another pillow fort?

Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you?

That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort.

Way more difficult, way better.

All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease

- or holding in a fart right now. - Aha!

I just found out how Shirley and I are going to take down Subway.

- Oh, how? - Dean?

I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws.

- I am not. - Shirley, you do the honors.

My brain starts getting weird this time of night.

It's 10:00 a.m.

- You're welcome. - Uh-oh.

"Any business operating for profit on Greendale's campus

must be at least 51% owned by a registered Greendale student"!

That's too bad, Dean.

I don't recall seeing Subway

in my premenopausal, postfeminist

experiential marketing class.

Actually, I'm on the wait list

- for the premen/postfem/ex mark. - Who are you?

Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway.

Your name is Subway?

Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process

known as "corpohumanization", real people such as myself

are now allowed to represent the collective humanity

of business owners.

I have contractually waived my birth identity

and am now a man and student named... Subway.

I don't believe this.

Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10".

So you can vote?

Actually, no, because technically I'm only a week old.

Aww.

But please don't think of me

as any less human than yourselves.

I'm here to hang out, take weird classes,

and party as hearty as my morality clause allows.

Eat fresh? Eat fresh?

- Eat fresh. - That's my man.

Wow, did you know Greendale students

are technically in the army reserves?

Let's say a little prayer for peace.

Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab.

I can't think of a better use of my time here

than being unconscious.

It's not a blowoff class, Jeff.

We're only allowed to bring one stuffed animal.

I'm bringing Ruthie...

But using her pouch to sneaking Nathan.

Well, have fun.

Wait, since when do we have lockers?

Uh, since registration day, 2009.

Jeff, did you skip

the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar

and Diversity Fire Circle?

This explains so much about you.

Are you saying I've had a locker here for 2 1/2 years?

Whoa, whoa. Wow.

"Halloween dance." "Post-Halloween dance."

"Dance contest."

"Contest dance." Oh, come on.

What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett?

Nothing now. We saved him.

Aah!

Wait, that's "saved" Garrett?

Ooh, what's this? Love letter?

Oh, it's probably one of many.

Oh, no. This is a hate letter.

What? Let me see that.

"Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock

"to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world,

"but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk.

Kim."

- "Inconsiderate"? - Who's Kim?

I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me.

- - Gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Look at these idiots.

Cattle, sheep...

Other animals that travel in herds.

I want to say snakes.

Am I the only person enraged by the fact

that corporations are taking human form?

I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column

"Britta unfiltered."

- Unfiltered. I get it. - Get what?

Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing.

Uh, Britta...

You're a, uh, progressive woman

of a more... liberated looseness.

You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him.

Corporate espionage. I like it.

Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones.

And the deadliest weapon of them all...

- The penis flytrap. - Okay! This conversation is over.

I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math,

but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind

that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

- Abed, Troy. - Ah, don't worry, Dean.

We have all the proper permits right here.

Oh, silly me!

This is a coupon for 20% off at bed bath & beyond.

No need to bribe me, Troy. Actually...

There's plenty more where that came from.

Look, I was just googling record lengths of stuff,

and apparently there's a guinness world record

for the biggest pillow... or blanket fort.

So you boys... you should go for it.

Put this school on the map.

We'd have a better chance of setting the record

if we made this a blanket fort, you know, take less time.

We wanted to make a pillow fort.

I don't want to sacrifice quality for square footage.

We don't need a world record to tell us we did something cool.

But if we won, we might meet that dude

with the curly fingernails.

Shridhar Chillal? Not interested.

I saw him on a talk show. He came off as pretentious.

- I'm going to go get a drink. - Okay.

- Troy Barnes. - Vice Dean Laybourne.

You have a beard... And a ponytail.

Going through some stuff right now, Troy.

Don't worry about it.

Any chance you've given a second thought to joining

my air conditioning repair school?

Sorry.

Kind of busy at the moment doing some awesome work with Abed.

Ah, yeah, Abed.

You guys watch that television show together, don't you?

Inspector Spacetime.

Funny, Troy.

You and Abed have always reminded me

of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie.

Cool!

The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive,

and Reggie is...

Well, he's Reggie.

Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts

and has a whistle.

Yeah.

But he never really gets to blow the whistle

unless the inspector says it's okay.

Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd

and his naive, obedient lapdog.

Well, I got a thing.

You take care.

Well, according to the office, this is the locker

of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009.

Wonder what you did to make her so mad.

Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her.

Annie, that's what you think of me?

I don't make out with forgettable women.

Can I help you?

We're looking for Kim McFadden.

- This is her locker, right? - Are you serious?

She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago.

I guess I pissed her off somehow.

- I'm hoping to apologize. - That might not be easy.

Kim's no longer with us.

- She died two weeks ago. - What?

Sorry to drop that on you and run,

but there's a rally for Garrett.

But we saved him.

Did we?

What do you recommend?

What's it to you, meat pusher?

Sounds like you might be a vegetarian.

You should try Subway's Veggie Delite.

You should try reading Orwell's 1984.

I have. It's a great book.

It really awakened me in High School.

I think kids should be forced to read it.

Me too. Anyway, you're living it.

You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass.

Is this what you dreamt of being?

Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life

or engage in any nonplatonic relations,

practice religion in public,

or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that

found anywhere outside Subway.

Why are you getting all that?

I wanted to stand next to you for a moment.