New Girl

I love these parties.

I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy,

or, like, a really high-class prostitute.

Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser.

Who's to say you can't be all three?

Hey, this is... really good.

I mean, I gotta tell you, I'm really, um...

- Happy. - Happy.

It's like the complete opposite of my marriage.

I'll give you the opposite of your marriage.

- What? - Sorry, I just...

I've never heard you talk about your ex-wife,

and I got really nervous and...

I tried to flirt information out of you.

- Aw... - So...

I haven't been home in a week,

and, um...

underneath my dress, I'm wearing...

a pair of your boxer briefs

that I borrowed

slash-stole

slash-I'm not giving them back.

Come on. Let's go. Go to my house right now.

Well, I have to go to my home for a bit.

No, no, come on.

Come on. Stay with me.

No, I'm worried about the guys.

They must really be missing me and wondering where I am.

Hey! Sacrifice, sacrifice,

Lava! Touched the lava! ...sacrifice...

Touched the lava! Ow, ow! Touched the lava, dude!

MAN (on Radio): He's the worst forward in the league, I mean, statistically, it would be better

if he wasn't even playing, all right?

You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen?

What decade are we in?

I cannot listen to that guy.

Come on. Joe Napoli's the worst, man.

What? Man, that is blasphemous.

He's the king of sports radio, man.

I've got an interview with him today, okay?

He's hiring a new research assistant.

Hence... the research.

My old basketball coach set it up.

You know, I'm just trying to figure out

- how to break it to Elvin. - You gotta cut ties with that kid.

He freaks me out.

He never blinks.

He's like a tiny little owl in a shirt.

Hey, guys!

- Hey. Hello. I have so much to tell you.

I spent the whole week with rich people.

I finally tried port.

Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?

I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long.

You all look so handsome, so grown-up.

- Thank you. - Hey, Nick.

I finally notice the one-eighth Cherokee.

Winston...

that's almost a mustache.

Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.

How was your sexcation with Russell?

I did have a lot of sex. Thank you.

What'd you guys do without me? Hit me up with a headline!

Nothing. We played True American.

- What?! You played True American without me? - Yes, ma'am.

Oh, sorry. It's Cece.

- Hey, you! - Tell me everything. How's it going?

- Where are you? With Schmidt.

Where are you?

Right here.

Wow.

I am not used to this yet.

I'm surprised this one's still standing.

We burned through a lot of ideas last night.

- That's really great. - We went deep into the stables...

- Yeah. Cool. NICK and WINSTON: Ugh.

I don't know. It's like we're living

in a romantic comedy montage.

Like, we, like, throw our heads back when we laugh,

and I, like, try on floppy hats for him.

It's pretty perfect.

It's like the first act of a TV movie

until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.

Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right?

You're kind of doing everything on his terms,

living in his beautiful, fancy house...

I'm not really living there.

Has he ever spent a night here?

Hey, guys.

So, listen, um...

Russell's gonna come and stay this weekend.

I was just wondering

if you guys could be cool?

Yeah.

- Sure. Okay, uh...

Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you,

so how about we just say "be normal"?

- Big R. - Schmidt.

Your shoe's untied.

Oh.

- What are you doing? - Label check, man.

- What are you doing? - Label check.

- What are you doing? - Just calm down.

Did...

I got it.

- Russell! - Whoa!

Oh, man, you scared me.

You scared of black people?

No.

- It's 2012, baby. - I'm...

- Yeah, of course. - Done deal. - Easy. - Of course.

Quick question.

Russell's such a visionary, would it be okay

if I took him through my Idea Notebook?

- Nope, not at all. - Maybe I won't take him through the whole notebook...

- Or how about none of it? - But I have one that I'm really excited about

called Real Apps, that I know Russell would be interested in.

- No. - Nick, Real Apps is my idea.

Real Apps is not your idea.

Yeah, sure, you might have birthed the idea,

but I midwifed it, and I midwifed the crap out of it.

- Guys. - It was a messy birth.

You just thought of the name!

The name is everything.

The name is the name of the game.

The game is... is the name. The game is the name.

- The product is the game. - Guys!

I know you can do this.

You sure you don't want to swing?

Nah. Pushing's where the action is.

Elvin, listen, buddy. I think we should talk.

You know I'm not going to be here forever, right?

I know about death, Winston.

I know there's no farm where dogs and grandpas go.

What? No. It's just that I'm an adult.

It's time for me to get an adult job with adult people.

You understand, right?

Maybe we should get to work on your resume

because yours is terrible.

It's 2012, Winston.

Typing is not a special skill.

- And you're familiar with the show? - Yes, I am. I've been listening for years.

- What do you think of Mr. Napoli? - He's actually like an idol of mine.

Be honest, jackass!

- Would you consider yourself an undercover cop? - Huh?

- Seriously. Are you a cop? You have to tell me. - No!

How far can you drag an unconscious man?

I don't know. I never really tried to... Hello, Mr. Napoli.

If you're as bad an assistant as you were a point guard,

I'll eat you.

You know, I know you, Winston Bishop, okay?

Sub-par collegiate career, went to Latvia,

9% from the European-slash- Women's 3-point line?

- Okay, just... - Now you wind up in my lap.

Well, I'm the luckiest girl in school.

Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.

Hey, first of all, I've not agreed to do it...

Welcome to the team, Winston.

Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.

I'm in. I'll do it.

Um...

So nice to meet you,

Mr. Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Can I sit on your shoulders?

- Sure! - Really?

- No. - Oh.

You've made a wonderful decision.

I'm sure you're going to learn a lot.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Yeah, well, welcome aboard. You can start today.

I want to Kareem about a segment on his show.

I want to talk to you about the jackets.

_

You said we were going to get show jackets!

Russell, hey.

I could show you around. I could show you our world.

Way up here, it's crystal-clear.

- Nick, you're doing Aladdin. - Again?

- Do you like cheeses, Russell? - What? That's...

- Nick, come on. - It's for Russell.

So you really just call these "ethnic noodles"?

No, actually, I don't know.

The only English writing on the box is,

"Find water. Grow hot. Family celebrate plus."

That guy.

Nick, stop staring.

I'm not... what?

Schmidt's being really weird, too.

So I told you and Jess to go get some sushi at Asakune,

but I hear you hara-kiri'd that one.

- Well, I know the chef at Namuda. - Oh, oh. Namuda?

Maybe "My First Sushi."

Baby wants a tempura California roll.

Little Russell wants...

Little Wussell wants an avocwado roll!

Schmidt...! Nick, don't eat his noodles.

- Yeah, but we're bowl brothers, now. - No, you're not.

- Tighten up, guys. I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna punch him in his rich, old white dude face.

Not you.