2 Broke Girls

Look at that. Dogs in the diner.

Where are we, Paris?

'Cause if we are, I'm gonna stop wearing deodorant.

Did you guys see that adorable dog?

You mean the one leaking rabies all over the table

while people are trying to eat?

She said he's allowed to be in here.

He's her registered emotional companion.

Her registered full-of-crap what?

He's got one of those official vests that says

"don't pet me, I'm working."

I have a shirt that says "federal bikini inspector,"

but there is simply no such branch of the U.S. government.

Hi, so, uh, what the hell is this?

Excuse me? I don't understand.

Dogs aren't allowed in the diner.

Oh, he's legally allowed to be here.

He's my registered emotional companion.

You mean you don't have a boyfriend.

No, I suffer from anxiety.

You mean you don't want to eat alone.

No, I have a note from a doctor.

You mean you have a printer and the Internet.

Admit it, and the dog can stay.

It's really hard meeting guys.

There's a good boy. I'll get you a cookie.

Is it just me, or does Han sound kind of sexy

when he speaks korean?

Looks like Han, sounds like Barry White.

Who was that, Han?

Do you have a hot, new korean girlfriend?

Yeah, someone who really likes you

and is $1.50 for the first minute

and $2 for each additional minute?

I was talking to my mother!

So... yes?

I was not talking hot. I was apologizing.

She's still angry I left home.

She thinks I'm freewheeling American who takes drugs

and has intercourse with dirty kardashian.

Does she know you buy your sweaters at build-a-bear?

Well, I don't know a lot about the korean culture,

but maybe you should stand up for yourself

and stop apologizing to your mother.

Yeah, what do you even have to apologize for?

You must have been the easiest birth ever.

She could've coughed you into a catcher's mitt.

I'm making a cappuccino, you want one?

Nope, I can't have any caffeine.

I have to keep my system clean. I'm doing a drug trial tomorrow.

Max, not one of those places

where they use you as a Guinea pig

to test for side effects of new drugs

that go on the market?

Or, as I like to call it, getting paid $500

to, uh, roll the side effects dice

and hope it lands on hallucinations.

I would never do something like that.

I consider my body a temple.

Didn't I see your "temple" eat a bag

of flaming hot cheetos two nights ago?

And that was a huge mistake.

I still have a little...

Burny heinie.

And besides, think of all the people who are

lowering their cholesterol safely because of me.

Or the people who aren't taking klamitra because of me.

I never heard of klamitra.

You're welcome.

I know klamitra.

Sexy black woman who teaches my spin class.

Uh, hello, uh, maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for Caroline Channing.

I have a legal matter to discuss with her.

Never heard of her. Never seen her.

- Mr. Hutchinson? - Never took an oath.

Oh, my God, Mr. Hutchinson, hi.

I haven't seen you since my father's scandal broke

and they were dragging you out of your law offices.

Can I hug you? I mean, it's been so long

since I've seen anyone from my old life.

But, uh, not too hard.

Ever since the scandal, I've had acid reflux.

Didn't you used to be taller?

No, uh, prouder.

Oh, uh, Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend, Max.

Max, this is Leo Hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys.

Oh, I've never known a lawyer

who wasn't court-appointed for me.

Well, except for the ones on Law & Order.

Have you ever been on that show?

No, I'm a real lawyer.

You look like someone who was on that show.

Are you sure you didn't represent

the woman who ate her child?

I've never represented anyone who ate their child.

On Law & Order.

Caroline, I'm sorry to drag you into this,

but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition

regarding your father's case.

Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy.

I mean, I haven't seen every episode of Law & Order,

just, like, 400 of them.

For instance, the, uh, judge's hammer?

Not called a hammer.

Reflux! Oh!

Sorry.

I just... I need to take a rylindia.

Ah, rylindia. Does that work?

- Hmm. - You're welcome.

Well, thank you for coming all the way out here.

I know I'm in good hands with you representing me.

Uh, well, Caroline, as much as I would love to help you

and your legal associate here,

uh, the firm won't let me do it for free.

I mean, your father's case bankrupted us practically,

and my standard rate is $1,100 an hour.

You know I don't have that kind of money.

Last week, I gave myself a bikini wax

with duct tape I stole from the diner.

I'm gonna need another rylindia.

Oh, don't take two of those in under an hour

unless you want to have an orgasm every time you yawn.

You're welcome again.

Mr. Hutchinson, I need you to do this.

You can make this go away as easily as possible.

Please don't make me beg.

The floor's gross, and my skirt's too short.

Counselor, at this juncture,

I am going to need to take miss Channing

and have a sidebar over near the bar bar.

How fun is this, by the way?

I'm, like, your lawyer now.

Oh, real fun. About as fun as that bikini wax.

And then I had to spend $14 on neosporin.

Don't worry, I know how you can make $500 in one night.

I've been telling her that since she got here.

Max, I am not doing a drug trial.

Besides, it's not enough money anyway.

No, but after I put in my $500,

plus we take $100 from the cupcake fund.

You would do that for me?

You know, I always thought we'd have to use

the cupcake money to get us out of a legal problem.

I just thought it'd be for you.

Me too!

Welcome aboard, drug buddy.

I can't believe I'm doing a drug trial.

I won't even use stevia.

It'll be fun!

Just think of it as a middle-school sleepover.

But with drugs.

Yeah, a middle-school sleepover.

So when you did this before,

you never got any side effects, right?

Well, no negative ones. I used to be an "a" cup.

Wow, everybody looks so normal.

This is more like sorority row than skid row.

Hi! I'm Katie.

Just found out there's three to a room,

and I was wondering if you guys have chosen a roomie yet.

Wait, there's three in a room?

Yeah, I know.

You want to be careful who you get.

Anyways, I'm a self-mutilator,

and, um, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on me.

Just wrestle anything out of my hands that's sharp.

Uh, you know what, Katie?

We are self-mutilators too.

So, uh, we kind of have our hands full.

Yeah, we're gonna be super-busy

self-mutilating ourselves.

No worries.

Max, you should have told me about the bed situation.

Untested experimental drugs is one thing,

but three to a room? That's barbaric!

It'll be fine!

We just have to pick the right girl.

What about, uh, the one in the raincoat?

She looks stuck-up,

like she'd talk about herself all night.

Yeah, we already got one of those.

What about, uh...

What about Bob Marley shirt?

She looks like she smells.

- Confirmed. - Right there.

That's who we want. She looks smart

and like she'd mind her own business.

Hey! What are you up to?

Nothing. Just minding my own business.

Hey, want to be our roommate?

Oh, I just said yes to a self-mutilator,

but I can get out of it.

She probably loves rejection.

All right, ladies, listen up!

- Hey, Max! - Hi, Toby.

Heads-up, me, her, and, uh...

Excuse me, what's your name?

Oh, it's cool,

we don't have to do, like, the name thing.